Appendix A

i was watching ice age just now,
and somehow this line jumped out at me.

(mammoth almost dies by trying to save tiger. tiger asks why mammoth risked his life.)

"That's what herds do. We look out for each other."

-------------------------------------

After writing the entry below,
which made me sad again,
i realised how far i was from my original goal.

i joined engineering because i was intrigued by medical engineering.
artificial heart valves and all.....it was fascinating.
then i realised i had zero interest in mechanical engineering,
so i went into electronics.

I did as many medical engineering classes i could do,
and after i graduated i searched stubbornly for medical engineering jobs.

my first job was at least slightly related.
we were manufacturing medical equipment for other companies.
it was a bit off my goal cos i wanted to be part of the design, and not just make them.

i remember telling weips that it was like i wanted to be in the hospitality industry and i was the taxi driver.
it's related, but not that related.

weips was like "or you could be the traffic light bulb changer! everytime a taxi drives past it's your fleeting moment of relevance!"

i'm so far off my goal now i'm not even the traffic light bulb changer.
it's like i want to be in hospitality and i work in the mortuary.

i remember being frustrated because i loved writing my programs so much but it's not really part of my job scope.
it was something extra that i did because i wanted to.
i felt i should find something where writing programs IS part of my job scope and i get appreciated for it.

and then i find a job that's completely hardware and have zero software elements in it.
i can't even write programs as extra work cos none of the work calls for it.

oh my god,
WHAT am i DOING?

Stabbed in the Backside.

it's been a supremely high and then supremely low week.
let me start with the high.

I've been a christian for abt 2 months now,
and i haven't had PMS depression/pains for 2 months!
that's like the greatest testimony by far isn't it.

what a great advert.
'chase away those PMS, be a christian'

no wonder there are so many girls in church compared to guys.
and now that i wrote this you know what's gonna happen next month.
the revenge of the PMS.

that isn't the supreme high by the way.

------------------------------------------------

i met up with my shepherds last sat.
i really wanted to meet on sun so i can keep my sats free to laze at home.
but one of them couldn't make it and sat it shall be then.

the really great thing, was that i met with boon after that.
i didn't know it was an SOS session with boon, thot it was just normal catchup,
and if i hadn't met with my shepherds i would have rescheduled with her.

and i sincerely give Thanks to God for not letting that happen.

it was a really cool session with Boon.
we were boozing, and given how bad we were at boozing, it was really funny how we were walking semi steady after that.

"drink lime juice, helps to make you less nauseaus"
"how come so hard to find toilet"
"eh stop pushing on the escalator! sekali we roll down all the way. hold on to the side lei, we buay steady liao"

there were the really serious period of talking thru The Problem,
and then there was the

"wah lau, me and my church, you and your Problem, WAT ARE WE DOInG?"
"hahahahaa. Imagine us at 50, meeting here again, and going WAT ARE WE DOING?"

"eh you don't drink until collapse ah. then i need to call my shepherd and tell her 'erm, my sheep has collapsed. the shepherding didn't go well"

"SWEAR you won't tell this to your shepherd!"

"actually she's on the hidden earpiece, telling me what to tell you. i won't tell them la! usually when i meet them we talk abt MY problems."

Poot calls me shepherd now. i call her Kambeng/mutton.

-------------------------------------------------------

given what i've learnt the previous week on connecting with pple,
i was really happy that i had the chance to hear poot out and offer some support.

"he who refreshes others refreshes himself." :)

Poot jia you!

i also just bought a CD by Planetshakers.
they're a christian band but they're so indy it's funny.
like super rock and linkin park.
i'd never imagine a christian band being so noisy.

they've two really great happy catchy songs, i'm hooked on those.

--------------------------------------------------

Now comes the supreme low.

in recent days i've been re-evaluating my work again.
it's been 3.5 months now.
and this week has been just horrible.

the dateline to the project is coming,
and when the crunch comes the knives get sharpened.

i'm still unsure of where the boundaries of my jobscope are.
i don't mind helping out outside my scope,
but at least when i know my scope i know my focus.
like get these things under me in order first, before spending extra time on other things.

again and again i get frustrated.
things i thought were within my scope and i spend time on,
i find that it wasn't really significant.

and this week,
something i thought was under the jurisdiction of my colleague,
i found it was supposed to be under me.

for months and months i didn't know it was under me,
since she was driving it.
and now, the week before the deadline,
i was told it's my ball.

and there were all these poop shit that cannot be settled in one week obviously,
and i just looked completely incompetent.

-------------------------------------------

then i got stabbed in the buttocks.

an email shot out which got me really indignant,
because it gave the impression that i didn't want to complete my reports in time with all the management in the loop.

that colleague was in china and i was quite sure there was NOTHING i did that could give her that impression.

it's a really complicated story
i think i know who poked the china colleague into doing that.

there's just so little love in the work place that it's depressing.
i don't know what i'm doing anymore.

i try to talk with others to get a feel of what's my scope,
but their stories sometimes change.

Like at first they'll say yea i need to do this.
and so i'll complete the tasks faithfully for weeks and weeks,
and then they'll suddenly say oh actually no need to do.

or they'll say no need to do,
then later when shit happens they ask how come never do.

i feel like a goal-keeper,
you can save all the shots, but it's that one shot you missed that gets you attention.

the things you do don't get you credit,
and everyone's just waiting for the mistakes.

i'm completely lost.
i have energy and dedication,
but i don't know where to put them.
i try to put them everywhere,
but the more you do the more pple will give you things to do.

and i have no idea what to do first.
--------------------------------------------------------

the way out of all this,
is to be a power sian-er.

to talk your way out of things.

and that's not my strength.

or i can form an alliance,
which is usually formed by banding together and slime-ing others.
sometimes the more you slime others the more it sounds like you're doing a gd job know what i mean?

that's also not my strength.

i would feel better if i can at least solve problems.
but to be honest i'm not experienced enough to solve things on the fly.
everything is new to me,
even supposedly routine things.

so it just adds to the feelings of incompetence when everything my colleague does turns to gold and everything i touch turns to shit.

i don't know what i'm doing.
i'm running ard in circles and getting pulled in all directions with no focus.

-----------------------------------------------------

i've been thinking.
are these just growing pains, as is normal when just changing jobs, or is this really not for me?

at alabama i also had my times of pain.

but at alabama there was love.
there was love from normal pple who always extended help when they knew i was alone in a foreign country.

there was basic humanitarian love that touched me even though at work there were ups and downs.

there was connection. connection with pple.

at my previous job i never really got into petty politics.
i let others do the slime-ing and griping.
i was protected by my expertise from my experience at alabama.
i could solve things and i was willing to help others patiently,
so i was never a target.

and when i needed to connect,
i popped outside and chatted with the aunties and techs.

they were simple pple, with simple ambitions.
they were happy, just to cook, to send their kids to school, to buy 4D.

they were sincere.

i'm just not made for an office environment.
where you wonder who is really sincere.
who can you trust.
who is talking behind your back.
who will you need help from in future.

there's a shield of superficiality
where pple can be chummy but when it comes to the crunch the knives come out.
and woe to those who can't talk your way out of it.

------------------------------------------------

sometimes i think of my chicken programs.
it's not a big achievement,
but it's something that interacts with operators and makes life easier for the techs.
it's a small contribution i've left behind.

i think abt all my little programs.
and the fun i had writing them.

i would stay till 11pm writing them,
having fun all the way.
because i was creating something.
something that can help others.

i used to think maybe i'm just more software than hardware.
partly that's true.
but more than that, it's using what i know to create something that can help others.

i'm doing none of that now.

---------------------------------

i want to help,
but i can't since everything i touch turns to shit at the moment.
i want to help,
but i'm running around not knowing what's my direction.

i honestly don't feel connected,
and i honestly don't feel i'm contributing.

what am i doing?

i thot of my P2 speech.
the balls of happiness.
the ball of faith and the ball of love.
the love for pple and the love for the things you do.
i may have just dropped that.

what am i doing?

Seek Peace, and Pursue It
-Psalms 34:14

I feel peaceful tonight.

i've been looking for answers.
God has given me some glimpse.

------------------------------

it's really hard to explain what is happening.
Some frens have been a bit tip-toey abt religion things after my conversion (it's not just you boon! haha).

i'm not sensitive, in fact i encourage a discussion, so i can seek answers to questions that i haven't thought of.
A discussion is not a slamming session though.

i used to have lengthy discussions with Henry and jialu in my pre-believing days,
and i enjoyed it.
just an intellectual discussion, no slamming and insults, and we agree to disagree.

i'm not sure i even know now what my opposition to chrisitanity is.

I do know my first encounter with an evangelist was a random one at orchard road where she told me going to temples is "stupid".
and i could never reconcile with why christians behaving badly can go to heaven and i'll go to hell.

those things shaped my views and turned me away.
(now i realised that these pple are just works in progress. Let God do His magic on them. We just do our parts and be the best ambassadors we can be so we don't tarnish the name further)

i've seen my frens convert and become great pple.
and at Hope, i saw pple that was really really different.
it was a bubble world of goodness.

And i wondered more abt this God of theirs.
what was His power over them?

So all i asked,
was for God to show me how He touched all these pple.

when i asked,
i felt the Spirit saying 'i'll show you, but you need to open your doors'.

so for once, i really opened my heart mind and soul willingly,
to listen and to see.

I never looked back.

It's a feeling.
it's the teachings.
it's the fellowship.
it's the "coincidences".
it's the mixture of a lot of things.
But it just feels different.

I wish more pple can try to see too.
just try.
don't convert, just ask to see.

christians don't have the power to "convert" pple,
the Spirit does that.
but what we do, is we plant seeds of the Gospel.
We share what we have felt and what God has done for us,
and hope one day you would peek at this Kingdom he built.

the greatest testimony is to live a Godly life.
that was how i was drawn in.
and that is what i aspire to be.

----------------------------------------------

Tonight i felt like i connected with God again.

i shared with Darren my feelings of doubt, and how i can't get closer to God because i'm not sure who's talking, me or Him.
Darren told me to have moments of silence.
to listen.

and if these thoughts don't bring you away from God,
then it may well be from the Spirit.

Tonight i told God i know it's not by coincidence that i heard what i heard the last few days.

Yesterday's champion speaker spoke of inspiration and resilence and connection.
He did a speech on "the courage to try".
There's a toastmaster's convention now titled "M.A.D - Make a Difference".
(that's where i got my idea from)

Today's lesson was also on making a difference.
Of being a sphere of influence.

The lesson was on sharing what you have, no matter how small.
"When you share, God will make it significant."

Today he spoke of working out challenges at work.
He spoke of fatigue, but being "joyfully tired".

--------------------------------------------------

Tonight i asked God what He wanted me to do.
i felt He reminded me of the talent parable.
He gave me talents, what am i going to do with it.
I said "Tell Me"
He said "i will only give you so much. the rest you will get yourself"
I saw the vision of a baby trying to walk,
and a mother standing nearby, urging the baby to come.
He gave me legs and encouragement, but i need to do the walking.

I asked God why i couldn't speak in tongues.
i asked Him to remove my mountain of disbelief.
My mind, heart and soul, one of them was not in sync in faith.
He said "If you're are willing to try, I am willing to help."
One day the gift of tongues will come, and that will be a joyous day because that is the day i know my faith is anchored.

it will come.
--------------------------------------------

I was doing a quiet prayer for one of the brothers,
and i was praying "God you are sending him to be among wolves, i know you'll bless him with the shrewdness, of erm, of, hmm, of something and the innocence of doves."

"shrewdness of what" - i sensed a wry smile.
"serpents? wait, actually i'm not sure. sorry, will find out."

(Serpents is correct by the way)

--------------------------------------------

I asked for Passion.
He has answered.

I asked for answers.
What was the purpose of Life?

Today he gave me glimpse.

The lesson was "How to Best Invest your life - Invest your life in pple".

1) DARE TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE
be the salt and light
heal, add flavour, preserve, influence.

God has a purpose for where you are.
don't pick and choose.
most of us are good with certain types of pple.
extend that sphere of influence.
Learn how to be a friend to anybody.

2) BE WILLING TO SHARE WHAT YOU'VE GOT
be it belongings, skills, info, knowledge.
"i don't have a lot, but what i have, i'll share"
When you share for the kingdom of God, God will make it significant.


The answer lies in connection.
"Know the why, and you'll find the how", the toastmaster of the evening said yesterday.

"Seek, and you shall find" - Matthew 7:7
---------------------------------------------------------

The 2 Balls of Happiness

-------------------------------------------
Here's my P2 speech for Toastmasters.

Title: The 2 Balls of Happiness

I was talking to my nephew the other day, and i asked him, "what do you want to be when you grow up?"
He said, "i want to be co-pilot."
Kind of strange that he wants to be co-pilot and not pilot.
Anyway he asked me in return, "what do YOU want to be when YOU grow up?"
"Well, when i GROW up,", I told him, "I want to be happy."

Kids being kids, they don't know when to stop asking questions, and he asked again "How ah? How to be Happy?"

Toastmaster of the evening, fellow toastmasters, ladies and gentleman,
how to be happy? what a difficult and profound question. I don't claim to know the answer, but i would like to share with you this evening, two qualities which i find to be very important to a happy life.

The first quality, the first BALL of happiness, is the ball of faith.
Juggling has taught me a lot abt faith. Learning to juggle 5 balls took me a year. I'm trying to learn 5 clubs now. It's been 3 years and i'm still learning.

Let me show you what it means to learn 5 clubs.
it means standing here, holding 5 clubs, then throw throw throw throw throw,
then drop drop drop drop drop,
then pick up pick up pick up pick up pick up.

then throw throw throw throw throw,
then drop drop drop drop drop,
then pick up pick up pick up pick up pick up.

for THREE years! that's all i did! And of course there were times when you throw the clubs aside and swear never to juggle again, but you come back.
Because somewhere at the back of my head, I had faith. I told myself if i had to drop 1 million times to get 5 clubs, then if i had dropped 500 times today, it means i'm 500 steps closer to my goal.

how many of us apply that to real life problems? maybe the try after 9 failures is the try that will succeed. Have faith. Don't worry abt it, have faith.

The next ball of happpiness, is the ball of love.
And not just love for the pple around you, but love for the things that you did.

and again i have a juggling story to share.

there was once i did a 3 min show for my company.
they're not paying me for it, it's just a guest show.
I was working full time, so i could only rehearse at night after work.

For the whole week before the show i was practicing late everyday,
and sleeping a couple hours everyday.

i remember on one of those nights.
at 4 am, i was sitting on the bed, balls in hand, wondering why i was doing all this for.

it's a 3 min show which no one will care anymore after, and i wasn't getting paid. i wasn't getting anything at all!
and then i realised, if it wasn't for anything, then it was for the love of it.

and i was very comforted by that.
because how many times do we find something we love doing.

Ladies and gentlemen,
sometimes when you have both balls of happiness,
magic happens.
you get rhythm, you get flow, you get smooth.
but sometimes you get out of balance, and one drops.
never mind, find it, pick it up, and get back into the rhythm.

So i challenge you tonight,
to look into your lives to see if you have both balls of happiness.
and if any is missing,
find it,
and may you live happily ever after.

God bless.

Toastmaster of the evening pls.
-------------------------------------------------

It's All Part of A Grander Plan

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
-Matthew 11:28

---------------------------------------------------

this is the longest week i've ever felt in recent memory.
the blessing, or perhaps danger, is that i can feel the physical toll but mentally and emotionally i'm very much alive.

---------------------------------------------------
did a gig in the zoo monday morning.
can't believe i woke up at 745am on a public holiday and made my way to the zoo.
was a bit nervous since i haven't done gigs for a while now.
Somemore i was aching all over from badminton on saturday, how was i gonna survive an hr of juggling.

Turned out it was a gig for a church family day (gurmit singh was there with his family. he attends this church!)

Quite grand to perform for fellow brothers and sisters i think.
And i got an extra boost knowing that God's presence was there.
you kind of know it'll all be ok.

--------------------------------------------

i was looking fwd to having a good nap in the noon,
but ended up doing knick knacks and reserving some time for bible reading.

i ended up reading the whole book of Luke. :)

We'll be doing Acts in the camp so trying to finish that book before the week swings by.

Pastor Jeff says use the bible like a mirror.
Use it to reflect, use it to look at yourself, use it to correct yourself.

This line has been popping out in recent days:

“He who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”
-Luke 14:11

for all my flaws, i never felt pride/proudness was one of them.
but i'm beginning to think different.
it's a different kind of pride,
from all the past training of taking everything, life and fate, into your own hands.

Will you accept that there's Someone higher up there?
When you're good at something, are YOU good at it or did He give it to you?

"So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty." Luke 17:10

it's not just saying it,
it's really feeling it.

not easy.
-----------------------------------------------------------

I had two Toastmasters sessions in a week.
Boy that was draining physically.
But i do enjoy TM, it uplifts and refreshes me.

i did a speech on Tues, called "The 2 Balls of Happiness".
The 2 balls are namely Faith and Love.

I've had the points in my head but only just wrote it out late Monday night,
and i was desperately trying to keep it within time.
so 3 balls became 2 balls.

it went ok,
but i messed up the conclusion cos it was late and i didn't want to think anymore.
plus the pressure of keeping within time.
So i agreed with the evaluator,
i need to work on closing with a punch.

My last words are God Bless.
i'm thinking of doing all 10 projects and discreetly putting the word "God" in everyone of them.
I think that'd be fun.
-----------------------------------

I won my first TM accolade today.
Got "Best Evaluator"! :)
it's not anything big.
Every session has 4 evaluators and at the end pple vote for the one they liked most.
so it's just a small thing only.

Still it felt nice, praise Lord.

Today was also special because they invited the World Champion Speaker to the session.
He's from US and is here for the WORLD toastmasters convention.

His personal mission is to "inspire the world, one speech at a time".

What a great line.

Other great pointers he had:

1) If you had the world in the room, what would you say to all these pple?

2) Doing a speech is not just standing up here and telling a story. You need to connect. You need to evoke feelings.

3) (He is a criminal lawyer by profession) My prof used to say, "when the law is on your side but not the facts, pound the law. when the facts are on your side but not the law, pound the facts. If both are not on your side, pound the table! you're always right!" Be confident!

4) "When the door of opportunity closes on me, i'll bang the door down. Constant trickling of water get wear down rocks. If you bring me down, no hard feelings, but you'll see me tmrw. again. and again."

-----------------------------------------------------

Met up with Darren on wed.
he shared with me some more stuff on christianity.

We're quite alike in alot of ways, besides juggling.
in fact he's a magnified intensity of myself. :P

for one thing, he's been into at least 3 religions quite deeply before he settled into God.
So we could still talk through things,
with our past knowledge of other religions.

He passed me a book, with a chapter inside that says "Jesus - Lord, Lunatic or Liar?"
which my shepherd raised fleetingly a few days back. :)

It's an interesting chapter.
In it it says that you can't say Jesus is "just" a good man with sound values, or a prophet, because he proclaimed he is Son of God.
So there are only 3 options to choose from. Lord, liar or lunatic.

In a nutshell,
He is unlikely to be a Liar because he died for his beliefs.
He is unlikely to be a Lunatic (delusional) because everything else he said and taught were Godly and profound.
So He has to be the Lord.

Interesting.

Another good point that Darren raised,
is that Faith is not easy.

It's so easy to dismiss christianity as "just believe then can go heaven liao".
but it's a lot more than "just believe".
It's believing with all your heart and mind and soul.

It's having so much Faith that Abraham was willing to sacrifice his only son because God asked him to. (God was only testing his Faith by the way, and stopped him.)

Faith is not easy.
Try to "just believe" with all your heart and mind and soul.
10 years into it and you'll still have doubts.

--------------------------------------------------------

My brother had high fever so i went straight to the hospital after meeting with Darren.
he was just there to take a blood test from the emergency clinic and it turned out ok.

but the wait was super long and i fell asleep reading darren's bk. at the hospital. lagi best.

--------------------------------------------------------

so it's been a super exhausting week.
the weekend doesn't look very restful either.

we'll see.
-------------------------------------------------------

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through

I couldn't see how every sign
pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream
lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart
they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you

But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan
that is coming true

Now i'm just rolling home
into my lover's arms
And this much i know it's true

that god bless the broken road
that led me straight to you
---------------------------------
-Rascal Flatts "God Bless the Broken Road"

Pocketful of Dreams

Today's message comes from a poem from Vivien Goh a.k.a SweetHeart the Clown.
She wrote this poem and i heard it from her youtube channel news asia interview video (part 3).

Very inspiring.

--------------------

couldn't settle for normal
i had to do something, with my life

at 16, with a pocketful of ideals and crazy dreams of writing
my lifelong span of doing my own, was born

nothing was impossible thought i, with my heart and soul involved

no mountain is too high to climb
me, and my pocket full of dreams

each time i feel a little down
i dip into my pocket of sunshine

and suddenly my heart feels lighter,and the world does not seem so dark

sometimes when i get weary, weary of pple in the world
i hide in my pocket of old reality
and dream once more
recharged

this pocket of happiness
this pocket of dreams
can go empty,if i'm not careful

i got to add new happy thoughts
more dreams,more happiness

that in the times of need
i can, from the pocket

----------------------------------------
-Pocketful of Dreams. Written by Vivien Goh, a.k.a Sweetheart the Clown

The Juggleress Promo Vid!

Alan said the sudden face scared him. haha. i thought that's really funny.
(i have muscle aches from badminton and it's super painful to laugh)




The Juggleress Promo Vid

Sms to frens: "May God bless all of you with a fruitful day!"
Reply sms from Jen: "TGIF! Thank Guanyin It's Friday!"

i thought that was really funny.
i told her she's super ngiao. haha.
-----------------------------------------------

it hasn't been a great week.
i went a step higher in my faith last week.
a step i didn't quite understand.
so it freaked me out for two whole days.

But on sunday i attended the sermon.
which was on the family since it was Mother's Day.
it made complete sense and after that i felt peace again,
comforted that this is really a good thing i'm in.

The sermon was so good i wished my mom was there,
cos i know she would agree with the pastor, despite her anti sentiments.
i'm gonna get a CD on the sermon for her tmrw.

in case anyone is still wondering,
i'm not in this just for the fellowship (which by the way, is excellent).
i'm also not in this just to have an additional pillar of strength,
the teachings must be sound and good as well.
These are teachings on how to live life.

Right now i find it such a blessing that for at least 2 hours every week,
i get to listen to the rules of life,
and i get to pray and listen to and get in touch with my spiritual voice.

-------------------------------------------------

It wasn't smooth sailing at work this week.
i'm still not used to an office environment.
i tend to clamp up.

i really miss the days when i could talk mundane things with aunties.
i appreiciate their simplicity and amusing honesty.

i feel like, in the office, everyone's fighting to get heard.
i just feel a general disconnect from pple.

i feel quite useless also, as i can't help resolve issues as quickly as my counterparts.
i'm confident though that these things come with network and experience.

So i try compensating now by working hard and learning everything related, no matter how small.
still, i'm not sure if i'm working hard in the wrong direction.
and having a learning attitude may not be appreciated in the office where pple want you to know, not learn.

it's just a big mess.
i'm not sure if i'm doing what my boss wants me to do.
am i doing enough? am i doing too much over small things?
and you keep getting torn apart by brutal pple.

i remember that during the early alabama days i had huge work related emotional problems too.
so this will all pass with time.
it's just really painful to go thru it.

As God's angels work overtime sewing up my ego,
i kept thinking through my life's goals again, and what's happening.

On friday i decided that perhaps God put me here to make me grow.
To witness my weaknesses and conquer them.
Would i break out of my "comfort zone" of isolation?
If not for myself, then for Him?

Would i be stronger and less sensitive and embrace my emotions more?
would i be wise enough to "not overgrow" and become an office bitch?

Would i change as a testimonial to Him?

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me"
-Philippians 4:13

---------------------------------------------------

The silver lining to the week,
is that my after-work activities continue to refresh me.

At TM i continually get inspired by the passion of the older members and the dry humor of the club president.

At church meetings we celebrated more birthdays and had more affirmations. They told of how much one of the birthday sisters have changed (for the better) since receiving Christ and you just have to feel like this is a really gd thing.

Juggling is going well too and i may just end up on TV, again, soon. :)

One of the things i asked the Lord for was to give me passion again.
He has answered.


“I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

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And just as a reminder of the M.A.D journey,

“Our love must not be a thing of words and fine talk. It must be a thing of action and sincerity." - 1 John 3:18

"Commit to The Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed."
-Proverbs 16:3

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The Story of the Church Camp

Oh my gosh, the amount of pain and twists and resigned 'i-leave-it-all-in-your-hands-Lord' involved.

There's a church camp coming up in early June.
The signing up period ended long ago, and I've decided then that i wasn't ready for it.
It's too much trouble anyway, i can imagine my mum fuming and the incessant nagging after that.

Weeks later i found out that i had an uber important meeting at work during the camp dates.
So that went well, it was a good thing i didn't sign up.

As it turns out,
one of my pseudo shepherd is immigrating to China soon, and the church camp would be her last hurrah with the group.
And i was the only one not going.

It'd be kind of weird having a big farewell party before the camp and then she meets everyone (except me) during the camp again.

So basically now i have to go to the camp. I was spiritually obliged i guess.
But since the sign up period is over, i have to wait for someone to withdraw so they can slot me in.

Last week, the unit leader excitedly sms-ed me and said he has a slot.
Great stuff, now i just have to find a way to take leave on my uber important meeting date.

After talking to the boss, which referred me to HIS boss, i finally got the go ahead to take leave.

It still didn't feel good.
i was in a new job, handling my first project, and i miss my first uber important meeting (which includes higher management personnel like those zen masters that only appear once in 5 years).

But it was for my pseudo shepherd, and at some point you decide whether to put God first or work.

i decided God has to come first, because everything else will then fall in place.

Because of my absence, boss' boss asked someone else to cover me.
i'm not sure if the cover was feeling annoyed or she was just genuinely insensitive, but i got suan-ed the entire day because of this.

it felt horrible. but well it was for a good cause, so it was all ok.
I could feel God's angels gently patching up my broken heart and mending my shattered ego.

then i got an sms from the unit leader, that the person who withdrew from the camp now withdrew her withdrawal, so my slot is gone again.

DUNNO WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CRY.

I left it all in God's hands from then.
If i go, then it's all gd. If i can't, then i'll get to attend my uber impt meeting.
I just have to cancel my leave and look like a total dork.

The latest word?
the cover managed to persuade her network to shift the uber impt meeting forward.
and i just got notified there is a new slot for me again.

So it all worked out!
i get to go to camp, AND go for my uber impt meeting!

I'm not sure how many more twists there will be in store.
but right now, everything is really cool.

Commit to the Lord everything you do, and your plans will succeed!

well there's still the parents obstacle.....sigh......but i think i can handle that one.
Can't believe God helped move the entire meeting schedule forward, there's really like moving a mountain!
If He can do that, i can pacify my parents.

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Psst. Found on a certain commerical website advertisement.

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The Juggleress

The Juggleress has been juggling for the last 13 years and her passion for juggling still burns strong.

Taught by a personal success coach at the age of 14, she is a firm believer that the act of juggling improves the mental capabilities of the brain. Over the years, juggling has become more than just entertainment. It has become a mental, physical and spiritual pursuit.

Join the Juggleress as she guides you through the gate into the juggling world. Arguably among one of the best jugglers in Singapore, she was the NUS Juggling Club President (2001) and won the 1st prize in the ExxonMobil Campus Concerts Discovery Show (2002), earning the opportunity to perform alongside Mediacorp artistes like Jeff Wang and Gurmit Singh.

She has appeared on documentaries and variety shows on both channel 5 and 8 and was the crowd warmer for the President and other VIPs during the National Day Parade in 2002. She has also performed in numerous places like Zouk and several company Dinner and Dances.

The Juggleress has conducted many school and public workshops and was a juggling trainer for the Mediacorp National Kidney Foundation Charity Show in 2003. She understands the obstacles faced by beginners and has developed training methods to help beginners overcome these challenges.

“Patience and encouragement is the key,” she says, “People need to believe that it’s not that difficult. Then they need to know the right technique. And the rest is just practice with guidance.”

The Juggleress has busked along the streets of Orchard Road and Clarke Quay using juggling as her main tool. She has crafted comedy and music routines using juggling and will be able to share her experiences in presenting juggling as a form of entertainment.

Join the Juggleress as she introduces you to the world of juggling, where much personal joy and commercial gain can be found!

"For the coolest show, funniest gig, and (being) the most entertaining, Yvonne the Juggleress won first prize for the Open routine section"

- Singapore World Juggling Day 2004 -

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Message

Today's message came from a juggling video of Michael Moschen.

"I don't know what it is yet.
And that's good.

I like not to know for as long as possible.
Well, because then it tells me the truth.
Instead of me imposing the truth."

-michael moschen

Maiden Speech

I just made my maiden toastmasters speech today!
yipee!
it's a beginner's workshop and they made everyone do the first speech with a preparation time of just 10 min.

It went pretty well. Here's the speech:


"Good evening toastmaster of the evening, and fellow toastmasters.

How many of you here feel like you're juggling life all the time? you're multi-tasking with so many things, family, work, friends. Show of hands pls.

Then all of you can empathise with me then, because i'm a juggler. For real. Juggling balls, clubs, rings. I've been juggling for abt 10 years now, and i'm at the stage where i do performances and some freelance work here and there.

I've so many interesting stories to tell about juggling, but let me share one of my most memorable one. Back then when i was at NUS, there was a campus wide talent competition. I was there once to support a friend who was taking part, and i saw that the competitors there were of the fun sort. There were magicians, pple singing with loudhailers...so you know, i thought it would be fun and so i joined the following year.

I didn't want my juggling to be boring, so i prepared an item where i was wearing cheongsam and i had a Hokkein soundtrack. Imagine my horror when i sat through the rehearsal and i saw people doing classical guitars, classical pianos, serious drama...dances. And there i was with my little hokkein act. it was really embarassing.

On the actual day itself it was even more terrible, as those pple were now dressed in long elegant gowns and there i was in my cheongsam. But the great thing is, i actually won the competition! i beat the classical pianist!

In my life generally now, i'm also juggling many things. i work as an engineer, and i'm starting with Toastmasters and i'm also just attending church. Yea, i found God! So a lot of things are going on.

You know, in juggling, we usually only focus on one ball at a time, but from a distance, you can see a pattern. In the same way, i'm doing all the little things i like, and one day, all these things will come together and form a pattern. One day, all the dots will connect.

Toastmaster of the evening pls."

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the speech was pretty well received and the last paragraph made all the difference.
even i liked how it ended.

and it wasn't even prepared.

all i prepared prior to the speech was 3 lines:

1. multitask intro
2. juggling competition
3. wrap up

Everything came out by itself. including the ending.

You know it's coming, yes,
i thank God for it.

It's His way of encouraging me for two days of feeling pretty down.
and it's His way of reinforcing his messages to me.
---------------------------------------------

Inspiring story from the bible this week.
the talent parable from Matthew 25:14.

Now i have very weird ways of interpreting the bible,
somehow i get messages that don't really seem quite "right" at face value.

so quite paisei to share my thoughts sometimes.
can see my fellow sisters' blank look like "oookay...how do i break this gently to her that this is not what it's saying"

but anyway,
i think the "talents" in the parable may actually refer to money.
but when i read it, it struck me as talent, like a gift.

And to me the story was saying,
when God gives you a talent, or a gift, don't hide it and return it to Him.
He wants you to use it, and to multiply it.

~~
And he who had received the five talents came forward,
bringing five talents more, saying,
‘Master, you delivered to me five talents; here I have made five talents more.’

His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant.
You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much.
Enter into the joy of your master.’
-Matthew 25:20-21
~~

Chances are, the more you use the talent given to you, the more talents you'll get along the way.
that's what God wants.
He doesn't want you to hide the talent He gave you.
He doesn't want you to return with what He gave you.
you basically wasted the talent.

So use the talent that God gave you.
There is a purpose for it.
Find it.
Use it.

"And behold, I am with you always, to the end of age."
Matthew 28:20

i'm gonna tweak the title a bit.

The Juggleress: M.A.D.* Journey Part I - Come and See
*Make A Difference

I still have a little bit of yesterday's high.
Instead of taking the company bus, i decided to walk today.
while plugged into my mp3 player, I sang aloud as i walked past cars stuck in the jam.
Reminded me of those days when i walked home from Toa Payoh.
There was a certain joy and freedom doing these walks.
i quite enjoy it.

Halfway through i realised there was a guy walking behind me all the while.
the music was pretty loud so i couldn't hear how loud I was.
but i think he heard.
quite embarassing.

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Chatted with DH while juggling.

"so what have you been up to"
"I joined the church"
*stifled laughing look*
"Hey what's with that deflated look?"
"I always look like that"

"How did you end up in church?"
"I tripped and fell into baptism water."
"Cool. i'll go if you treat me to breakfast."
"Are you serious? i'll treat you. Come for the Macs breakfast."
*pauses to consider*
"You don't tua me ah. i'll be sitting at macs in early morning eating hotcakes alone mumbling 'blardy DH'"

"I left my hp in the office lei."
"then how i get in touch with you?"
"you can't"
"kana sai." (i don't think i actually said this, but something to the effect)

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This is the song of the night.
Accidentally heard it while letting my player play on.
The guitar part (about 1 min into the song) is just marvellous.

Tunes like that touch the soul when played in the right environment (e.g. quiet of the night)


Son Of God - Hillsong


I was playing the video over and over again.
Like all christian videos, the singers always sing with passion and conviction.

I like it.
But then it dawned on me that it looks quite cultish also.
Especially with faces in the audience also immersed in the moment with hands in the air.

It's difficult to explain,
but being immersed in the moment helps to heal spiritually.
it's a fleeting moment of getting in touch with yourself, or God, or whatever spiritual thing there is.

Anyway,
i also like how peaceful and quietly happy the song is.

i'm really enjoying this moment.
i don't know exactly how i got into it all,
or how long it will last,
but things have really really been different the last few weeks.

it's incredible.
Come and See.

~~~
Hold my hand and walk with me
You're the Light that makes me see
On this path my soul You lead
O my Shepherd walk with me
~~~
-Son of God, Hillsong

The Juggleress: M.A.D. Journey Part I -- John 10:10

Need to get a bit more prepared.
And then the M.A.D. (Make A Difference) journey starts.


"God is not a pressuring one.
He does not give you targets to meet,
He just wants you to start so you can grow in your journey with Him."
-mission trip brother

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I am at real peace today.
It is very surreal. something i haven't gotten for a while.

I woke up at 6.20(!) today.
On a public holiday.
and though i did feel a little tired,
i was also quite excited.
Everything church related makes me excited these days.

Met up with my shepherd and the two of us headed to Siloso beach to watch the sea.
She was there to get in touch with God,
I was there to say hi to my Sea God.

Just in case anyone thinks i'm a pagan,
Sea god is tongue in cheek yea.
I dun know what the power of the sea is,
but it can draw out thoughts hidden deep within me,
and i call it the Sea God.
And sometimes i wonder if it was really God all these while.
Not really biblical since those were pre-believing days,
but who knows?
Maybe God was with me all these while, gently watching and guiding and nudging.

So today i wasn't in "the zone",
since i wasn't upset abt anything,
and it was too early to be in the zone.

I did enjoy being there though.
just enjoying the sea and thinking through life again.

We had little tidbits of conversation in between quiet time.

It dawned on me recently,
that I think my shepherd finds me a blessing to her as well,
cos ever since "i dropped from the sky" i've been a testimonial of her nurturing and encouragement.
The more i grow in my journey, the more it cements her journey.

it's a symbiotic relationship.
a large part of why i suddenly took up the faith,
was because i finally found a group of pple entirely devoted to God and are serious students of the Bible.
My shepherd is our group leader and she has deep knowledge of the bible. More importantly, she lives out the Word of God.

So she can answer the questions i pose "what does heaven look like to you?", "I have trouble really believing in....", "why can't christians hold joss sticks, if only to respect the beliefs of the deceased?"
and she continually inspires by her calm, composed, and Godly way of living and her unwavering faith and devotion to God.

I need to look no further for a spiritual mentor.

The group on the whole takes after the characteristics of its leader. So we have a very kind and sweet group made of pple who study and live out the Bible.

I should let her know that one day.
I think she already knows,
but following the affirmative culture of the group,
i should tell her more explicitly.

it's kind of weird don't you think?
as we were sitting beside each other quietly in some obscure ulu island off siloso beach,
it was like we were both God's guardian angels to each other.
Just sitting beside.
quietly looking out.

I was sent to encourage her, she was sent to give me answers.
------------------------------------------

After the cell group arrived about two hours later,
we joined them for a marvellous picnic and day out on the beach.

I now have the ugliest tan lines on my knee caps since i sat cross legged in the sun.

We played some Cluedo like "guess the Mafia" game.
where lying and deception and Survivor-like tactics were needed to win the game.

It was really fun!
In one of the games i was the Mafia/murderer.
And I had to deflect suspicions by planting doubts in others' minds.

I felt really really bad as it went down to only a few of us and i convinced my shepherd to vote for someone else.
it was horrible, as i could see she really trusted me.

Ultimately it was only a game i know,
but still you can't help but think it's a reflection of real life.
If i can lie here, i can lie when things get serious in real life.

I still feel really bad abt it.
You just don't break someone's trust in you.

"why do you think she's a good guy?" the rest (who knew) were asking her.
"gut feeling" she said, as she voted out someone else.

I could have just crumbled inside as she casted her vote.

Now i have to spend the night repenting.
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I got closer to a few more Christians in the group.
One reminded me of steph, her loud and funny ways.

I brought my juggling balls to Siloso beach so the folks can juggle if they want.

They started playing 5 stones with the balls, and the balls were splitting and peeling.

Now i dun know if ordinarily i would mind since they weren't that new anyway,

but i didn't mind one bit today.

I recalled the video of the prof where he told the story of how he was taking his young nephews out for a ride in his brand new car. His sister was telling her sons sternly not to dirty the brand new leather seats, and as she went on with her lecture, he popped open a can of coke and poured it all over his car seats.

"it's just a car," he said, "it's the people that matters. i don't want my nephews to feel guilty dirtying my car. it's JUST a car. It's a THING. It's the people that matters!"

On my way home i felt so at peace,

i stopped at the field and started juggling with my splitting peeling balls.
And again it was a rewarding juggling worship session.

~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen

Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what is yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause

As I walk from earth into eternity
~~~~
-Hosanna Hillsong United

"What is God's purpose for you?"
"To influence. To nurture. what's yours?"
"i dunno. Still finding. But i believe the dots will connect."
"I think so too. I don't believe it's by chance that you found God. I believe you found Him because you seeked."

He will reveal when the time is right.
Amen.