Digging Through the Treasure Chest

the chinese wine is strong alright
slept soundly through to noon today
then lazed around till an automated telemarketer completely woke me up

anyway,
i'm back in my comfy chair
tea at the side
music in my ears
ready to write the report i don't have to write

i needed to dig through my pile of CDs containing stuff i burnt years ago
and what gems i found!

first up, there's a file called "lao fu zi & xiwen".
i opened it completely baffled,
to find that it is a transcript of xiwen's phone dialog with me:
-------------------------

The day xiwen zapped lao fu zi over her teaching assessment:

“you wouldn’t believe what happened today”

“what?”

“my supervisor wrote a report on my teaching progress and sent it to me. So I went to school early to zap it. Or try to zap it. Guess what happened?”

“it got jammed? You zapped 50 copies of it? You zapped 50 copies and it all got jammed?”

“I accidentally used it as blank paper and zapped lao fu zi over it”

“what the hell were you doing zapping lao fu zi?”

“it’s an assignment for my class.”

“so you just called your sup and said ‘er, sorry Mdm I zapped lao fu zi over your report’?”

“yup, she came down and saw lao fu zi staring at her in the report. She wasn’t amused at all. Wrote me another report, doesn’t sound as good as the first one.”

“now go zap xiao ding dang over it.”

“very funny”
---------------------------------------

brings back memories of how flustered she sounded when she called
it's so typical xiwen..haha.
i'm not sure why i saved (and burnt on CD) a file on this...
i think we were trying to compile a list of our misadventrues....

i also found the sean mckinney video
a tribute to an excellent juggler who killed himself a few years ago
great video
great soundtrack

more photos from WJD 2004!
this time taken by chi min.

wayang juggler

Prize Presentation

now back to getting some real work done
considering i get up at noon
and the sun sets at 4.30pm
i don't get to see the sun a lot

Uniquely NiNi

the following photo taken in Boston is dedicated to Boonie, whom someone referred to as "sweet, demure and uniquely adorable".



i want to be uniquely adorable too, ninny. *wink*
---------------------------------------

i'm seated in my comfy chair.
cup of hot tea at the side.
good music in my ears.
all set to write a report i don't have to write.
and plan for things that i don't really have to plan.

3.20 am.
the peace of the night.
this should be good.

problem is,
i just got back from a steamboat dinner.
steamboat on a cold 1.5 celsius night
what a blessing.
we were watching a vcd on the chinese new year countdown in china
it felt a lot like a chinese new year dinner.
got gua zi somemore.
drank some potent chinese wine

now i feel sleepy.
i think i'm a bit high.

one of my light bulbs blew again.
$%@$@$#$#$#$!@@$^%%&^

sleep first, think later.

BABY GIRL

what a nice song!
was never a fan of country music
everytime i watch a country band i wonder why the guys MUST wear cowboy hats
it's like without the cowboy hats, it's not country music anymore
scared pple lump them with soft alternative or some other category
so must wear cowboy hats to show that i'm a country band

anyway..
i'm beginning to like country music
it's live music without the angst of rock

especially like the song below
Baby Girl by Sugarland
nice simple story-telling type lyrics
with kick ass tune to boot.
-----------------------------------------

They say in this town, stars stay up all night,
Well, I don't know, can't see 'em for the glow of the neon lights.
An' it's a long way from here to the place where the home fires burn.
Well it's two thousand miles and one left turn.

"Dear Mom and Dad,
"Please send money: I'm so broke that it ain't funny.
"Well, I don't need much; just enough to get me through.
"Please don't worry 'cause I'm all right,
"I'm playin' here at the bar tonight.
"Well, this time, I'm gonna make our dreams come true.
"Well, I love you more than anything in the world,
"Love,
"Your baby girl."

Black jack, blue sky: big town full of little white lies.
Well, everybody's your friend: you can never be sure.
They'll promise fancy cars an' diamond rings, an' all sorts of shiny things,
But, girl, you'll remember what your knees are for.

"Dear Mom and Dad,
"Please send money: I'm so broke that it ain't funny.
"Well, I don't need much; just enough to get me through.
"Please don't worry 'cause I'm all right,
"See, I'm playin' here at the bar tonight.
"Well, this time, I'm gonna make our dreams come true.
"Well, I love you more than anything in the world,
"Love,
"Your baby girl."

I know that I'm on my way.
Well, I can tell every time I play.
An' I know it's worth all the dues I pay,
When I can write to you and say:

"Dear Mom and Dad,
"I'll send money. I'm so rich that it ain't funny.
"Well it oughtta be more than enough to get you through.
"Please don't worry 'cause I'm all right,
"See, I'm stayin' here at the Ritz tonight
"Whaddya know, we made our dreams come true.

"An' there are fancy cars an' diamond rings,
"But you know that they don't mean a thing.
"Well, they all add up to nothin' compared to you.
"Well, remember me in ribbons an' curls.
"I still love you more than anything in the world:
"Love,
"Your baby girl."

Look What I FOUND!!





Photo taken by Koah Fong during World Juggling Day 2004 at Downtown East.

I'm sitting here wondering what the hell i was doing being all wind up like that. My guess is that i caught the club at the wrong end and so have to machiam pretend like i'm doing something. Behind the mask is a face that says "shit, jialat!"

the boy standing behind looks quite classic as well don't you think.

now i'm tempted to shoot some new videos of me juggling tmrw.

hmm...maybe i should try out my invisible mask and cloak and/or the afro wig.

My neighbours will probably think "this nut thinks it's Halloween!"

oh well...I Love the Photo! :)

Thank You Thanksgiving!

yay!! tmrw's thanksgiving and it's the start of a 4 day holiday!
have been looking forward to this break...

in a good mood now because it's the start of the hols and i ended work today on a fruitful note
managed to come up with some sort of program to solve a problem
Working on it reinforced the idea i have that it pays to adopt a learning attitude to everything and everyone
You pick up something new from this guy, and another thing from another guy, then suddenly one day you realise that if you put both pieces of knowledge together you can create something new and useful.
you never know when something you learnt will come in useful...so learn everything. :)

the hope that got crushed in my last post has resurrected slightly.
sought more advice and i think there's still a glimmer of hope.
i can only do what i can and hope that things turn out fine.
Like they say
"if you want to do something, you'll find a reason.
if you want to do nothing, you'll find an excuse."

Tony Robbins wrote that goal setting is important because once you have a goal, your mind starts opening its eye to opportunities. Once you decide something is impossible, your radar is switched off.

---------------------
Conversations with W:

"Hey do you know what's the norm here for a rented apartment? when the light bulb blows, is the management supposed to change it or am i the one to change it?"

"You of course."

"WHAT? Really? i've been asking the office to change my light bulbs all this while! and i thought that was normal until the other day i told the restaurant bosses that and they said they never thought the office would do that."

"You've been calling the office to change your light bulbs? Girl, i'd be embarassed to call the office to change my light bulbs."

"NOW I'M EMBARASSED! i didn't know that's not the norm! the office pple probably think i'm a nutcase and they're doing it just because it's the first time they heard of this kind of request"

"yeah, they're probably thinking you're this little spoilt brat who can't change her own light bulbs. Call the maids!"

"it's a good thing i didn't reprimand them for taking their time to change my bulbs. see i called last thursday and when i got home they haven't fixed my bulbs yet. i was planning to call them on Mon to scold them for being so slow to respond."

"did you?"

"well no..the guy came in on sat to change my light bulbs."

"he came in on SATURDAY to change your light bulbs?!"

"he said he was passing by so he came around to change the bulbs. it's a good thing i've already woken up. if i was asleep i wouldn't hear him knock and he'll think no one's in and he'll use his keys to get in. and catch me sleeping."

"the girl who can't change her light bulbs. did you ask him to pick your dead cockroaches up too?"

"shut urp....i probably can't reach the light bulbs even if i wanted to...."

"haha...yeah you'd be there jumping and touching the bulbs with your fingertips."
-------------------------

Sam came in yesterday sounding really ill. She caught the flu bug too and totally lost her voice. Just the previous day she was telling us of her planned trip to the casino this weekend.

"oh no, Sam, i hope you get well soon. How're you gonna scream when you win a million dollars?"
"yeah Sam. i think you need to make a sign that says 'I WIN!' then hold it up and wave it around when you hit the jackpot."

W's eyes suddenly lit up.

"you know Sam, i can go in your place! they would actually believe that I AM sam you know"
"Sam's going with her new boyfriend. Are you gonna go with Sam's boyfriend?"
"hell no..Sam's boyfriend is staying home to look after her. i am going ALONE."

"Sam if you win a million dollars, will you remember us?"
"will she even come back here?"
"i think she'll come back for one more day. Come in in a limousine, park it in front of the guard house, tell the bosses to kiss her ass and then walk away."

(Sam just went abt working and gave us the 'I'll kick your butts when i feel better' look.)
------------------------------------

"you see that lady over there?"
"yeah?"
"don't you think she's the only one in the office who looks uglier than me?"
"hahaha....you're so mean!"
"well look me in the eye and tell me she looks better than me."
"she looks better than you, W"
"you're kidding! You're not looking at her! wait till she turns round!"
"i'm not getting into this..."
------------------------------

"the circus is coming next month! do you know if there're jugglers in there?"
"Do i look like i will go even if there are jugglers? do i look like i care?"
"i don't think there is. i don't want to pay to watch elephants jump through hoops."
"the circus comes every year. last year there was a woman who protested outside the venue. against cruelty to animals. she wore a bikini and drew stripes on herself like a tiger and locked herself in a cage. And people started taking pictures of her...haha"
"that sounds more fun than the circus itself. stand outside and hold banners. maybe i'll go just to protest."
"you're going to protest against cruelty to animals? what are you talking abt? pple get hanged in your country!"
"Well, this is a free country. and i'll probably get to appear on the local TV news and the papers!"
"Or you might get hauled to jail and you can call your embassy in Washington and they will go 'marshall county? where the hell is that?' and they'll take a week just to find where you are."
"i'll ask the lab to build me a cage. let's get RB and CC and a few more guys and we'll all paint ourselves as tigers. we can even get a whip and swing it around"
"ok, where did you get the 'we' from? you go right ahead, i'll pass."
-----------------------------------------
(last summer)
"where's master archer?"
"he's in florida for a week. enjoying the sun sand and the sea. and the bikinis."
"well, he's so big, if he falls asleep on the beach, everyone will think he's a whale."
"...and they'll start rolling him back into the sea...."
---------------------------------------------

"you mean you forgot this? you used to be sharp man.."
"it's the hair. i cut my hair. my memory is stored in my hair. i shouldn't have cut my hair, now i look so young. don't you think so?"
"isn't it good to look young"
"yeah, but now i look like i'm..10."
"what makes you think you looked older before you cut your hair?"
--------------------------------------------

10 year old says it's time for bed.
hope these hols turn out fruitful.

Do You Believe in Angels

i just might,
after tonight.

it has been a truly weird past 6 hours.

first up, i found out something that was devastating.
it really was.
the light and hope that i've been carrying the past few days to keep my spirits up got snuffed out.
no more plan, no more backup plan, no more light, no more hope.

the anger and frustration was indescribable.
was gonna blog right there and then and it would have been filled with F words,
mainly directed to myself.

i decided to juggle first instead.
i needed to calm down, to take my mind off things, or just to do something.
wasn't really juggling in the end,
more like sorting my thoughts while my arms and eyes followed the clubs.

i was down, out of hope
i was prepared to keel, it was too hard to fight
it's all abt the money, to hell with what i want
passion and dreams suck, engineering sucks
if i have to grow up, then that's what i'll do
if i have to be a bitch, then that's what i'll be
i lose, you win.

Like a Father reprimanding an errant child,
as if The One was trying to knock senses into me,
one of my clubs landed squarely on my eye.
Ouch.

Not that that made me any less angry and frustrated.
i came home all prepared to vent it out by blogging
in my mind i could only think of F words

while waiting for the website to load,
the phone rings.
"yo where are you? come down to the restaurant lei, we'll wait for you for dinner."

i was still extremely upset, but thought some human contact might do good.
and it did.
we had dinner, chit chatted a bit with the restaurant bosses as well.
i told him of my problem, and though there really wasn't a solution, it feels better talking abt it.
--------------------------------

i feel better now.
dunno if the feelings are just merely being temporarily buried.
if so, they'd resurface at some point anyhow.
------------------------------------

doesn't it look like
there's an angel standing beside me
watching how upset i was
and swinging a club at me (the one that hit me in the eye) to stop me from cursing and swearing at everything
and then arranging the phone call to pick me out of the gloom

it also looks like i'm reading too much into things
oh well, it makes a nice story

on tv right now is a pastor giving a motivational speech on
"how to stop putting the blame on others for our own bad bahavior"

"i met a guy who said ' you can't blame me for being so negative, look at what i've been through'. I say enough, we should start being responsible for ourselves, and stop pointing fingers at the environment or anything else"

the angel probably picked that channel.
---------------------------------------

it does pay to be nice i guess
and i'm not saying that just because the club hit my eye

be nice without expecting any favours back
and more often than not
the favours will return when you least expect it
and sometimes,
they make all the difference.

it's the law of the karma.
----------------------------------------

Christmas Shopping

it's the holiday season!
shops are getting geared up for christmas...
can see funky things on sale again..and christmas trees and decorations

so i went grocery shopping yesterday
and i saw guitars on sale
you never know what you find when you shop for bananas
(the last time i went to buy bananas, i bought myself a bottle of Tommy Girl perfume)

the guitars caught my attention
but i wasn't interested in blardy guitars
my eyes were fixated on the electric drum set.

yup yup
a freakin gleaming electric drum set.
there was an authentic drum set as well
but it was out of the equation cos it's too bulky

the electric drum set though
was neat and compact.
and smiling at me.

i touched it, i carried it, i weighed it, i paced up and down....

if i was gonna be here longer..like forever...i would have bought it.
it's one of those things that the right brain says "you're crazy" but the left brain says "go baby!"
those things that in the longer run you'd realise it's quite waste money sia but who cares cos it's gonna be so much fun and even if i get bored with it, it's just nice to look at once in a while....

in the end common sense prevailed and i know i can't get it.

the fedex shipment would probably cost as much as the drum set
and i can imagine my mom's face when it gets fedex-ed home.

i came here with basics and i go home with:

7 baseball bats
1 deluxe invisible mask, skeleton gloves, and vampire cape
a freakin electric drum set!

i'm sure my mom's reaction wouldn't be "go baby!"
------------------

so in the end i bought myself $10 worth of drum sticks.
i'm gonna borrow some basins from the chinese restaurant tomorrow and create my own drums
W asked if i was interested in drumming or just making noise

i just spent an hour whacking the dustbin with my drum sticks
earphones plugged in my ear blasting aerosmith's "janies got a gun"
it's kinda fun
i was quite worried the neighbours would start kicking my door down

the simplest things make such fun toys
i remember how bored i got once in singapore and i went out to buy a $1 mop pole
that pole occupied me for days and days
could do staff swinging with it, could practise balancing it on my head, could put a plunger cap at the base and use it as a mic stand........

mom wasn't particularly amused that i have a mop pole to add on to my 4 plungers which i use for juggling.
she saw it leaning against the wall, opened her mouth to say something, then just shook her head and resigned herself to welcoming more junk in the house and one more thing to potentially break the mirrors and glassware with.

one time the sink choked and stinking stuff started coming out of the many sewer holes round the house.
to my horror i came home to find all my 4 plungers used to cover the sewer holes.
mom said she'd wash them and give them back but i looked so horrified, she came home the next day with 4 brand new plungers.

she started eyeing my mop pole for a while.
left me wry hints that the mop head needs a new mop pole.
i gave her the "leave my mop pole alone" look
it was safe when i left, not sure if it's condemned to the life of a mop now.
------------------------

told W abt my mom's phone call this morning.

"my mom called this morning. FIVE times. my mornings are run at a clockwork, i wake up at the last possible minute so i can get to work on time, so i can't talk on the phone in the mornings."
"but you're always late"
"NOT anymore. have been coming in at 8 sharp since they started meetings at 8. ANYWAY, she called while i was brushing my teeth, so i didn't answer."
"your mom calls you in the morning?"
"well she knows i'm sick this week, so she's calling to check that i'm not, you know, dead or something"
"yup, i bet she's calling to see if her baby's dead"
"so after the FIFTH time, i had to pick up the phone cos i know she'll start calling the boss after that. she's worried i might have gotten the bird flu, and i was like 'what bird? no bird..i'm late for work!'. "

before pple start screaming i'm so mean to mom,
it's all tongue in cheek yeah?
---------------------------------------

the black eyed peas "where is the love" is playing on my player.
wasn't particularly interested in the song when it was the rage
but after the karaoke session with weips
when we chose the song and the mtv came out with words and the singing which we can't turn off
both of us got mesmerised by the lyrics
now i think it's a great song

~~
People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father Father Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?
~~

that was also the time we chose to sing enigma's "return to innocence".

"how do you sing 'Return to Innocence'?"
"oh you don't know the song?"
"i know the song. but how do you sing it? 75% of the song is just chanting!"
"then just chant lor"

so both of us started chanting in the mic. it was pretty funny cos after a while we were just making noises more than anything.
------------------------------------

speaking of "can you practise what you preach"
during the lobster lunch a week ago,
one of the elderly couples are very strong christians
and he mentioned, "the Lord says, 'Love your neighbours like you love your own family' "

suddenly one of the elderly ladies burst out laughing uncontrollably
it was so funny hearing her sudden (very loud) laughter in the midst of the solemness
like he just said something ridiculous

anyway, he nodded with her laughter and said honestly, "if you want me to love my neighbour's son, kang kang, as much as i love my son, i can't do it."

"who is kang kang?" the elderly lady asked.

"my neighbour's son. their surname is kang, so let's say the son is kang kang"

"so the son's name is kang kang kang?"

"it's an example!"

there is a moral to the story but since it's amusing on it's own i'll spare myself the morals.
-------------------------------

was talking to W (i'm always talking to W!), this time abt work, regarding this other lady called Sam.

"can you ask samantha to do this when she's here pls"
"who's samantha?"
"oh, i mean Sam. i assume sam is short for samantha?"
"nooo, Sam is short for Samuel. she used to be a guy!", he chuckled.

i knew he was just kidding,
but i bumped into Sam and told her anyway, "hey sam, if you see W out there, tell him your name is not Samuel."

sabo queen sia.

anyway today 3 of us happened to gather together,
and her name is just simply sam. she used to work at a bar and the guys decided to call her sam, like one of the regular guys.
So before 18, she was called something. after 18, it became Sam.

"wow isn't it so cool to just change your name one day just like that?!"
"so what's your name gonna be tmrw?"
"khong guan"

the americans have maximum difficulty with hanyu pinyin names
there's a singapore engineer with us now.

(calls hotel reception)
"hi can i get through to Mr Lee pls."
"which Lee?"
"Yh lee"
"you mean YooHoo Lee?"
"well, he's not really Yoo Hoo, but yeah, that's the one"

he's been called all sorts of names in the office. Yoki, Yoko, Yoho, and finally "the little guy from singapore".
--------------------------------------

the weather is ridiculously cold now
and i'm continuing to spread germs in the office
other than that
all is fine
there is light, there is air, there is hope.

The Question to The Answer

so i ended the last post with:
some pills, some sleep, some humanitarian love and some answers are all i need.

4 pills and quite a lot of sleep later, i'm sort of feeling better.
actually i'm only feeling better tonight.
and mainly due to the fact that i found my answers yesterday.

it's funny how answers come out of nowhere.
so there was i,
reluctantly getting up after falling asleep on the sofa again,
fumbling around bleary eyed getting my pre-sleep stuff done like switching the lights off and going to the bathroom.
finally i hopped onto the bed and then i couldn't sleep anymore.
so i just sat on the bed.
and started to think.

i have a plan now.
a relatively painless plan and a painful backup plan, but hopefully with enough insipiration to keep me going.
there is direction and there is light and there is air..
i can breathe again.
i hope i'm doing the right thing.
i have to believe i'm doing the right thing.

it's weird how talking to strangers made me think clearer
this fella's not really a complete stranger
he's a friend of a friend and we somehow got onto msn and started messaging
so i described to him in general terms what i was doing and why i was a tad unsatisfied
and he summarised it with two words
and bingo! that was it! the root of my unhappiness. in two words.

----------------------------------
one question that has been bugging me for a few days now is:

If you can be good in anything, what would you be?

what an enlightening question!

the if portion of the question is important because how often do pple think "oh i wish i was this and that, but i'm not good enough".
so if you can be good at anything, what would you do.

and then go forth and charge because we should not underestimate our capacity to learn and be good at that thing.
i'm assuming there is capacity and there is willingness to use the capacity.

i think having the capacity is not as important as having the willingness to use it.
i'm used to being around pple who are enthusiastic about knowing and learning new stuff.
it's fun talking with them because we learn from each other.
questions bounce off each other until either we both see the light or we both realise we don't know what we're talking abt.
these days sometimes i work with pple who are just not interested in learning new things.
it's such a pity.

if you can be good at anything, what would you be?
i can think of one, but man that would be one big hell of an adventure.
i won't have that kind of courage, but well if it ever comes to the crunch....

(i do realise that i'm still just a chicken shit pecking around in one corner of alabama and i'm not a multi-millionaire sitting crosslegged at home writing motivational books, so when i write motivational stuff it sounds very empty and full of fluff. i'm just trying to motivate myself can?)

----------------------------------------

Humanitarian Love

Thanksgiving is just round the corner and i've been getting invites to pple's homes cos they know i'm alone here
it's just a nice gesture, typical of the friendly culture here

had a big lobster meal last week with 5 other asian families
"YOU BOUGHT $120 WORTH OF LOBSTERS?!"W looked at me in disbelief.
basically one elderly couple bought 3 lobsters and asked the chinese restaurant to cook them and they invited me along for a small gathering.
the chinese bosses and i decided we'll buy more just for the heck of it so we bought 7 more
and we started inviting more pple until it's like some Chinese New Year dinner

i was prepared to pay for it since the bosses worked so hard preparing the meal
but they insisted on paying and we pushed and pushed like the money was some dirty piece of tissue paper
finally we settled on each footing half the bill

mom says my backside very itchy hor, buy lobsters for everybody.

it was nice.
think the chinese bosses had a good meal and a good time at long last
even though they got more tired preparing for the meal
there was a passionate debate regarding taiwan's independence and i think i learnt more abt chinese history than ever
it was kinda amusing watching them bang tables and raising their voices
reminded me of the taiwanese parliamentary sessions
wondered if we'll be needed to pull 70 year old men apart away from each other
but it was cordial. a good debate.

i saw live lobsters get slaughtered.
boss grabbed the head and pulled it off.
ooh. can see green stuff. i think it's the brain.
ooh.
the body was still jumping around without the head.
boss was excitedly showing me how it was jumping until lady boss scolded him for wasting time.
"the guests are coming and you're still playing!!"
"how to chop the body when its jumping?!!"
"stop playing!!!"
-------------------------------------

it's cool. for now.
pills, sleep, love and answers.
tat was all i needed.

Dilbert's World

msn with lao da:

"can i ask you something....abt the dilbert world"

"i only read Peanuts, but we can try"

"dilbert world as in corporate world...no Peanuts. Do you get the feeling that dilbert world is abt talking. i was discussing this with someone at work.....in organisations....actually doing something is not as important as spreading the word that you're doing something.
i think it's depressing, that it's not so straighforward anymore. in sch, hard work = reward...but now like not so...."

"u sound very jaded"

---------------------

"if you don't speak up you can't get very far, no matter how hard a worker you are. dunno...it just looks like good guys don't win, you may get rewarded but takes damn long. it looks that way anyway....and the pple who fluff a lot can sian their way to the top, making it more depressing."

------------------------------------------
"it makes me feel so guarded....like when i chat with this guy is he gonna turn ard and twist my words and talk behind my back. cos the way he talks abt others i start thinking maybe he talks with others abt me too"
--------------------------------------------
"i also hate it when we have to do things not because we want to but because we have to....in terms of socialising. it's like some pple are great to get along...so i don't mind spending after work hours with them. for other pple they're ok but i prolly wouldn't be friends with them after work.
but still need to socialise....."
-----------------------------------------------
"i want to work for the pursuit of knowledge...i want to get things done (project wise) without having to consider all this political stuff.....but it's impossible because not everyone does it the same way....a lot of times they do things that covers their own backs but are detrimental on the whole."
--------------------------------------------------
"politics....pple usually think of it as you dabble in it to climb to the top...but what abt dabbling in it so that you don't get maligned....it's not so much aggressive but defensive...."

"yar i get what u mean. it's about being wise lar. dont be like a helpless lamb. nothing wrong with being wise and shrewd (good way). as long as u dont harm others i think thats cool. it's not being political.. it's being wise i guess""

"and another thing i found out....humility/modesty is not a virtue"

"HA. oh gosh. someone talk ti-moon outta the evil world."

"the louder your horn the more it can be heard...."

"it's a vicious cycle..a sheep enters into the wolves world..and becomes a wolf.."

"i know..........that's depressing too...."

"now u know why most adults are so jaded n cynical. we started out as this on the ball enthusiastic passionate worker. ready to change the world and make a difference."
--------------------------------------

I am not well.
the depression that i attributed to PMS is still lingering on.
i dunno what's wrong
maybe pre has become post, maybe it's the impending departure, maybe i'm burntout, maybe it's the seasonal change. the darkness, the cold.

came down with a fever today
the flu bug that's been flying around in the office caught up with me
no biggie, nothing that some pills and a good rest can't cure.

the more involved i get in dilbert's world
the more i find out.
the more jaded i become.

it really sounds like a shark's world out there.
a good advice i got in the past was to stay away from pple with negative energy
but at work you can't really choose who to work with anymore
the aura of insincerity can be very overwhelming

i went to juggle in mid week
it was late and i wasn't really energetic
but i needed a reminder that hard work can still translate to direct rewards in the real world
in juggling, the more you practise the better you get
it's as simple as that
in school, the more you study the better your grades.
you get to control the outcome, regardless of what anyone else is doing
now it's so much more complicated

it's like being in Survivor
but not just for 13 weeks

before you go "just don't take part in it. who cares abt climbing the ladder"
remember i'm not referring to that
being aggressive to climb up is a matter of choice
being defensive so you don't get pushed around is a matter of no choice

i am still keeping watch over myself
to make sure i don't morph into something i'd hate to be without realising it
it's hard
i'm not sure when the idealism will fade and all hell breaks loose
the foundation is shaking already

i'm beginning to lose direction
perhaps this is transient
my compass is twirling around in the presence of a surge in magnetic interference
maybe i'll revert back to steady state again soon

Jen says i'm too self absorbed and hence i'm losing ground on another front
self absorbed, not in a bad way, she adds (*keke*)
well....she's probably right.
the other front is not going well.

hopefully
some pills, some sleep, some humanitarian love and some answers are all i need.

Friday Hurrah

felt very tired the whole of today
thankfully there was nothing much going on

i helped W book his air tickets and hotel stay for his vacation
He was bent on staying in Hotel V after seeing how nice it looked
we couldn't find it online
later we found out Hotel V has become Hotel M, just 2 days ago.

he went on to book a stay at Hotel M.
On further reading he realised that Hotel M is being marketed as an "artistic" hotel
the hotel website photos show funny looking paintings in the rooms and a dog in the shower

"W, make sure you pack your pink shirts. you'll fit right in with the artsy crowd!"
"Hell no. i'm gonna walk in with a can of beer in my hand. they're gonna look at me and wonder if this redneck walked into the wrong hotel."
"what if your room has funky doors that slide upwards and the light switches are hidden? there's even a dog in the shower!"
"the dog's going out the window that's what's gonna happen. all i wanted was Hotel V. they have to change it to Hotel M right now! it was still V a month ago!
--------------------------------

was in the equipment area when i chatted a bit with a lady there.
we started talking abt W and me. About how W is only around the area when i'm around.
she suddenly started speaking in general philosophical terms:

"when i see some pple together, i see friendship. sometimes the friendship develops further, and that's a good thing. it's always good to start as friends, that's what i would do. sometimes you think it's just friendship, but it's a bit more...."
"W and I are just friends."
"yes, when i see W and you, i see friendship. he's just your buddy right."
"yup. you made me worried for a second."
---------------------------------------------

i dropped by the chinese eatery after work.
was dead tired and sleepy but it was too early to go home on a friday night.
it got busy during the dinner time period and somehow i got energized again.

meal times are stressful at the restaurant.
so many orders, pple everywhere
need to remember who ordered what and who paid what
i'm not familiar with the dinner menu
so i also just anyhow hantam

lady boss asked "what the hell is the sweet sour triple?"
"er..don't know. that's what the guy ordered over the phone."

lady boss looked at me, thought for a while, nodded her head and i think they made it up.
----------------------

i ended up staying till 1 am there.
after they closed up, they asked another friend over to help wrap the dumplings.
the very delicious guo1 tie1.
I, being the fabulous cook and kitchen help,
was obviously there more to chou4 re4 nao4 than to be of any real help

so they taught me how to wrap the dumplings
10 dumplings later
i decided i should stop because mine all looked hideous beside the Lady Boss' ones
since they're for sale, there should be some standard
otherwise the customer might wonder why the other table's guo tie look so pretty and his look so weird

they told me it doesn't matter cos when they sell them, it's backside up
something like that
so no one can see anything
------------------------------------

i'm gonna miss the chinese eatery when i leave
the 2 bosses are like my siblings here
siblings without the annoyance that come from living together

i love having a place to hang out and be at home
and watch strangers walk in and out
getting to know the nicer ones, and smiling at the oddities of the ngiao ones
"how come your vegetable noodles has no chicken?", one of them asked

because a chicken is not a vegetable, i was tempted to answer

the whole place has a very altruistic feel
because we're ultimately all just strangers helping each other
you could say it's a symbiotic relationship
that we're helping each other so that we can get help in turn
but it's more altruistic than that
we're helping, just because

i think they're good pple
the boss' philosophy is "i will help my friends as long as it's within my means"
and he means it too
so i feel happy helping him back within my means
it's just good karma

i'm beginning to feel close to both of them
i will miss them

they work long long hours
and i think what they really want is to spend time with their toddler daughter more than anything else
i don't know how i can do anything to help that one

and then i think abt me and my big headed dreams
maybe there really isn't anything to dream abt
we work to eat and live
and be contented
-----------------------------------------------------

Objectives Revisited

At the beginning of the whole program
there were a lot of paper work to complete to process my journey here
there were some short essays to write
like what i want to get out of the program and how i can contribute etc
i am here primarily to learn stuff,
and so there's more i'm taking than giving back
i wrote something along the lines of "i'll help my host company as much as i can contribute"

in a wider sense
i want to contribute to the pple of alabama as much as they've given me
in terms of kindness and acceptance
of personal and professional growth

in times of melancholy (like now)
i wonder if i'll be missed when i'm gone
i think i will be
which means i've made a difference, albeit just small little things here and there
and so i've not let my promise gone to waste

Have they made a difference in my life?
definitely.
and that's what a successful life is, to make a difference in someone else's life
now i just need to find a way to express this to them without sounding mushy
---------------------------------

Weekend Blues

I've been feeling rather down lately
i'm not quite sure why
it's partly hormonal, partly seasonal
it gets dark at 5pm now instead of 8.30pm
so i'm still adjusting to how long the nights are

the whole of sunday went by like i was sleepwalking
i wasn't tired
but i felt very distracted
like it's not quite real
like i'm there but not really there

which probably isn't a good state to be in to take orders in the chinese eatery

the more i chatted with the chinese folks
the sadder i felt
.....

-------------------------------------

when i'm happy, i juggle
when i'm sad, i juggle

the groove is back
the long nights actually work out well because i realised i can't juggle in the day
the sun makes me hot and bothered

i watched videos from olga and luke barrage for inspiration just before heading out
it worked very well
after watching luke barrage's maniac club video, on how he whacks his clubs everywhere,
i went ahead and whacked my precious clubs around too

i managed to get the one club piroutte finally
decided to go for it and then can liao
it's actually easier than one ball piroutte, since the ball throw can get very inaccurate at great heights

it must look quite pretty
cos a few passers-by stopped in their tracks to watch
i really don't mind pple watching
but some of them scare the hell out of me
it's at night and everywhere is dark yes
and usually there's nobody
suddenly i turn around and in the corner of my eye i catch a guy in a trench coat standing in darkness staring at me
i must have startled him as much as he scared me
cos when i suddenly turned and stared back at him he quickly shuffled his feet and left

it was important that i got my groove back
i needed it
------------------------------------

More visitors coming in next week
all unfortunate witnesses to my unfortunate driving skills

one is coming in from singapore
the last time he was here i drove him to dinner and we ended up facing oncoming traffic along the highway cos i turned into the wrong lane
this time he sent an email to us saying "i will proceed to the office on my own".

another one is the customer whom i sent running across a six lane highway to his hotel, cos i'm not very good at doing U-turns.

W was telling AH how "ths girl spent 3 months looking for a car right. she spent all this time, and went all the way to other towns, picked a car. and within a week, she wrecked it."

these are all just funny anecdotes that happen to be true, but my driving is really not that bad okay.
----------------------------------

someone from the juggling group asked if we should put up some juggling records at the Singapore Book of records. http://www.singaporebookofrecords.com

Here's my reply:

"Wow! what a find! 3 cheers to the unicyclists!

yes and i second the call for the jugglers to set some records!

let's aim to break the record for
"Human Beings - Food Feats
Most Number Of Smarties Eaten In Three Minutes Using Chop Sticks" at the next WJD!

But since practising for that is not good for the diet, let's aim for "Most Number of Smarties Juggling 3 balls for 3 Minutes".

I bet they'll put us jugglers under "Human Beings - Odd Talents" alongside the "Longest Yamseng".

Let's do a "Most Number of Smarties Juggling 3 balls for 3 Minutes while shouting Yamseng!"
------------------------------

i'm tired.

"Let me know tell you something," she said abruptly, "don't waste your youth."
"what don't waste my youth? what you want me to do?" i asked, bemused.

~Don't Waste Your Youth~
that line keeps ringing in my ears

the bane of being a lady is we get depressed every month
for no real rhyme or reason (some say it's really just hormones)
we get depressed over small trivial things
and a few days later you wonder why such a silly small thing got to you
but maybe, just maybe
these small silly things are sub-conscious concerns that usually get buried
and during that period of depression all these buried concerns surface with a vengence

---------------------------------------------

have been working late a lot again
i don't mind it at all
but i noticed that i'm starting to shelve off things i wanted to get done outside work
the interest in getting those things done just waned down as i put more energy into working
i see this trend continuing
and then one day i'll wake up and realise i'm too old to do all these things i've been shelving
and i'll get mid life crisis and dye my hair blond and get a boob job to console myself

it's frightening

it's hard to decide what is worth doing and what is not
when i'm free i can think of things i want to do for the heck of it
when i'm busy, it's hard to get the drive to do things for the heck of it
i really just want to sleep and rest when i have the time
but then what is the worth of being busy

maybe i should not think and just do
but time waits for no man
one day the words "it's too late now" is going to hit me hard
"don't waste your youth", she advised
that line keeps ringing
constantly

blardy hormones.
--------------------------------------------------

a cockroach is on the prowl somewhere
almost managed to usher it out the front door
should have slammed the door shut and push it out
but there's a chance i might crush it at my doorway
i don't relish a crushed cockroach greeting me at the door everyday

it's disappeared into the washing machine closet area
hopefully it went down the water pipeway or something
don't see it anymore
but looking over my shoulder constantly to make sure it's not sneaking up on me

blardy cockroach.
------------------------------------------------------

Dilbert's World

the past few weeks have been interesting at work
office interpersonal dynamics can be very cartoon if you step back and just observe

they told me, semi-jokingly, that "meetings are really just occasions for the upper management to hear themselves speak" and "nothing comes out of meetings except heat and entropy".

AH had a conference meeting he had no interest in whatsoever and as i walked into the room i saw him sitting alone in front of the speaker phone looking bored and concentrating on munching his doughnut more than anything. it was a funny sight.

so the project i'm in is pretty messy currently. therefore the long hours. basically on our side we demanded something needed to be done to improve the situation. Half the department in the other company agreed and the other half wanted something else, and so they're topsy turvy engaging in some massive office politcs over there.

so someone from over there will come one week and say do Plan A and then the following week someone else will come over and say do Plan B.

we asked GB if we could get the plan A guy and the Plan B guy to come TOGETHER so we can stop flip flopping week by week. GB initially thought that was a good idea until she realised it really isn't grand if the 2 guys started fighting and we have to get security in to haul our customers out the door.

it was that bad.

it's funny watching intelligent grown/old men taking things so personally. From a project point of view it was not beneficial because both sides had good points but they're so aggravated with each other they stop listening and co-operating with each other.

i told W the problem is with male ego and the solution is to hire more women.

"hire more women?? ok, think of Tina. you think if she disagrees with you, she won't fight it out with you?? she will kick your ass."
"hmm. i guess you're right. fine think of it this way, it's more interesting watching women fight than old men fight. the screaming is higher pitched and there may even be a catfight."
----------------------------------------

so AH came in this week in battle mode.
the first line he said in the early morning was "i'm pissed off".
he was in full battle gear shooting lines at me like "so you want to do things your way don't you" and "we have to do all these un-necessary things now, because you started it" and "i expect you all to be more intelligent about these things...."

i must admit i got pretty upset. i've always kept my arguments objective and scientific and logical and i felt so maligned when he accused me of something that was not my idea but the Plan A guy's idea. basically they got themselves wrapped in the political thingy and i'm getting pulled into it. and i refrained from being defensive because i wanted to keep out of their politics as much as i could. all i want is to tackle the issues in a logical manner without these un-necessary emotions.

it was very upsetting. GB told me to call her if i needed to because AH has the right to be peeved but he has no right to rant and rave and be unprofessional.

it was times like those that you start wondering why bother. i begun to think maybe i should be like master archer. just don't do anything. don't be proactive. less trouble, less things to do, less heat. issues tend to get resolved over time anyway.

W told me as long as i was doing my job, i'm doing the right thing.

Lukckily AH calmed down a lot later in the day and for the rest of the week. in fact he was so calm and pale and tired-looking, i was worried he'd collapse.

I think the only thing that kept me going was my faith that he was a reasonable guy at the end of the day. when he's peeved he holds to his veiws stubbornly and shuts out everyone else's points of view. but show him he's wrong, and he'll relent.

it took incredible patience, but he did relent. (pat on the back for me)

(later i found that maybe i am wrong on one of the issues and he is right. so much for my patient persuasion. but by digging deep into the issue we uncovered some new info, so maybe not so pai-sei.)
-------------------------------------------------

The Gods Must be Kidding

1. This year has been the dryest year over the last few years. On the one day it rained in months, my car wiper blades broke.

2. The Singapore side has some equipment to sent to alabama. In august when i was at the singapore company, the engineer of this project was desperately trying to repair the faulty equipment. it's old and there're defects galore and they kept struggling to keep it alive.

the equpment is finally fully functional after 3 months of debugging. they sent it over to alabama by ship. The equipment dropped into the sea. All of them will be replaced with new equipment paid for by insurance.
----------------------------------------

i'm tired. thank God it's friday.