However, they are sometimes disappointed emotionally because their own high personal ideals cause them to demand more of others than is reasonable.

And if they are deceived their anger is terrible.

If disillusioned, they do not forgive.

-----

I just had a really bad day at work.

i'm so not an office person.

i thought of all the part time and full time jobs i've held in the past,
and the worst have always been office based ones.

People always ask if engineering is horrible,
it's prob the saving grace for me.
I enjoy the challenge and kick of understanding how things work,
but pple, i can never fathom.

not liking to gossip meant that i'll never be part of the gang who would gather and speak in hushed tones.
That i can bear.

i get annoyed when pple speak with such conviction on things they do not know of,
That, i can bear.

Insincerity and hyprocrisy,
now that kills.
especially when it's done well.

i looked up upon a person who was so friendly and patient,
and even when i get clues that there's some gamesmanship going on,
i'd chide myself for being suspicious.

it's difficult when you don't know who to trust anymore.

it's sad.
it's sad to smile and not mean it.
-----------------------------------

being stuck in the office means you have to sit and watch it all.
being naive means time and again i learn why not to trust.

i don't know how to play this game.
i don't know if i want to know.
but i know if you don't play, you don't get ahead.

it's a stupid world.
a world i don't belong.

~~~~
And if they are deceived their anger is terrible.
If disillusioned, they do not forgive.

From Nothing To Do To Chaos

1 week old, and Life has been quite different.
i'm not 100% anchored yet, it's something i need to resolve.

work has been chaotic.
i've gone from utterly bored to completely occuppied.
New things keep coming up before the old ones get settled.
so things keep piling as i stare at the time bomb i know will explode if i don't settle the old pile soon.

i don't even have time to reply to sms-es anymore,
except for the pockets of time before-i start-work and lunch.
and some days i can't spare the time to walk up 3 storeys to buy fruits for lunch,
and i just settle for the biscuits in the pantry next door.

but it's ok.
i kind of like being busy in a perverse way.
keeps my adrenaline going.

i'm getting along now with my tech by the way.
in some ways both of us are quite similar.
we're both very intense and task oriented.
what an interesting team we must look to the rest.

i frustrate him less now since i now know what's going on.

i find him quite amusing in some ways.
for all his intensity and seriousness,
he keeps a pet prawn on his desk, in a mini aquarium.
and every lunchtime he'd be there watching and feeding his prawn tenderly.

sensitive new age man.

gd thing i don't like eating prawns.

----------------------------------------

i still haven't juggled,
and i'm missing it a tweeny bit.

i have found many new ways to add more chaos to my life.

for one i finally found THE toastmasters club i want to join.
i've been reccee-ing a few,
and went from uber posh to downright neighbourhood clubs.
and this week i found the one that was just the right mix of class and sincerity.
and they have competitive sprit to boot.

i told a fren of Toastmasters and she thought it's MLM.
maybe like MLM selling toasters or something.
another thought it's a shop like breadtalk.
-------------------------------------------

my ex-classmate from nus just said she thought i was very "dao" back then,
cos i was always jetting around doing my own things and speaking english.

that comment quite disturbed me,
cos for all my faults, i've never expected someone to think i'm dao.
i was more shy and just comfortable doing my own stuff
(and speaking english cos my chinese is bad).

it's even more disturbing cos i think i may be projecting the same image at work.
i'm still shy, i still do my own things more than spend time socializing, and my chinese is still quite bad (i can converse the simple stuff, but how do you say technical things like current and voltage in chinese???)

hmmm.

---------------------------------------------------

so far things have turned out really well.
i'm suddenly in the company of really nice sincere pple,
and somehow i've ended up spending much time with a fren studying for CFA.

"let's study together!"
"you're taking CFA too?"
"no, i just want to read the text."
"er...ok"

Just like my work, my life has gone from nothing to do to chaos almighty.

Easter Sunday

Erm...today, on easter sunday, marks the day i accidentally became a Christian.

At this point, accidentally is the key word here.

this is very strange.

Just another day in the life of the juggleress.

well....actually i haven't juggled for a month (and counting)....
i just..well..stopped.

in the span of a month, everything has changed!

Short Notes

bloody cold the last week. Lowest temp was 22 degrees. SG having her first winter!
told my mom we needed a heater in the house.
she ignored me.
i continued that since my air con was set at 24 degrees, by switching on the air con, i was technically having a heater.

After saying that, cannot on air con anymore.

i fell ill too.
i've been waiting a whole month for my project to start,
and on the day it started,
i had to take MC.

i was still in recovery mode,
but got into an argument with my tech at work abt work,
and after that developed a headache.

i could literally feel my health drop by one bar after getting all worked up.
TGIF.
My tech developed a fever and had to take MC. i guess his health dropped by more bars.

----------------------------------

i just had a weird msn session.
so weird that i wrote a couple of lines which on hindsight sounds very good.

something like "to me it sounds like an indirect way of listing my imperfections. and may i add that these are imperfections that you feel i have, and not necessary those that i view likewise."

wah! so formal and stern. normally msn with my frens are like

"does GreatEntertainers.com sound too cheesy?"
"yeah"
"what abt purplecarrot.com"
"and what is that suppose to mean?"
"nothing. it's like mocca ma."
"cannot la, must be related."
"ok how bout monkeyPeanuts.com? you pay peanuts you get monkeys."
"GoldenTap.com la"
"hahahaha. or RolexMonk.com"

-----------------------------------------------

So after i changed my msn nick, i've been getting curious questions.
cos i sound too money obsessed.

goldentap thought i wanted to be inspired by the Little Prince,
i assured her my reasons are a lot more shallow.

For the record, here's something that sums up my new philosophy:

"it's like a game of money...where money is the points you earn....i think it'll be challenging and fun to play the game...."

I'm aware that i have a lot of hot air and nothing comes out of it eventually.
i hope i can sustain this one.

it's looking increasingly harder though.
one personal project i have in mind now is to create an interactive website.
and i stumbled upon php and sql for the first time.
so i've been digging and digging and i now know more than when i first started, but i'm still unaware of a lot of things.

i found an IT fren and he went "you are VERY BRAVE".
and i told him "it's not courage. it's blindness! i don't know what i'm getting into!"

"you're gonna be a technoprenuer?"
"if i EVER get started. or i may just end up as crash-my-laptop-prenuer."

---------------------------------------------

it's getting interesting at work.
changing jobs is really really a big pain in the butt.
not only do i need to learn how the bureaucratic system works,
in my case i also need to learn new technical things cos it's not really related to my past experience,
and now i realise there are also pple relations to learn.

so for the first time i have someone reporting to me.
like i get to approve leave and MC kind.

i'm someone who's very task oriented,
and i never say no to a deadline.

but now i feel handicapped cos i need to depend on my guy to do the work.
if he can't complete his tasks, i don't meet my deadline.
getting down and dirty to do the work is not the ultimate solution,
the correct way is to find out how to motivate him to work together.

his way is definitely different from my way.
i'm a very schedule based person, and he just wouldn't listen.
i think he gets all stressed out just listening to my schedule, and he just keeps rejecting it without giving me negotiating room.

it frustrates me cos i hate not meeting deadlines, and i'm not one for confrontations.
but it's all quite challenging.
he's like a mystery i need to crack.
and i do see that so far i've been looking from my point of view only. i don't miss deadlines and i never say no to my bosses, so i'm caught by surprise by his reaction.

i just need to try different approaches until i find the one that gets through to him.
the silver lining is that i can tell he's not being lazy,
his heart is in it.

From my HSV days, i've categorized 3 kinds of pple:

W (my buddy) is the kind who PRs a lot. He is the "mouth" who talks to everyone. if you need any info, find him cos he's like the network point.

RB is the quiet hardworking one. Trust him to get any task done. But he doesn't talk much. he's the pair of "hands".

CC is the one who works with his "heart", and not necessary his head. he is very passionate, cares abt work and dedicated, but because he doesn't think that much he is not always very efficient. also complains a lot because he is frustrated that things are not done to how he wants it.

My tech is like CC. and just as how CC annoyed me so much in the beginning ("you're the engineer, you're supposed to know!") and i slowly won him over in the end, i think i can win my tech over. I just need time, and the patience to sit through this intial crap.

if anything, the real lesson i learn in my new role is how to manage pple.

if i can do this, then i can move on to bigger things.

i hope one day we can look back and laugh at how on the first day of working together, i got a headache and he got an MC for fever.

now where's that book on the art of persuasion.....

RANDOM STUFF

Just a short note,
the Singapore Flyer is really really boring.

it moved so slowly we were all guessing whether we were moving.
In fact, at some point it felt like we were moving in the opposite direction!
Time has slowed so much it got reversed!

The intial phototaking excitment only lasted a 90 degree revolution.
After reaching the top, it became a (long) wait to get to the bottom.

i though the cable car is more exciting. at least you can shake it to get some thrill.

good thing the flyer was a free invitation from a fren.
i went because i knew i would never pay to get on this thing.

"how long was the ride? 40 min?" my fren asked.
"maybe. it felt like hours though"

"hey the counter said the souvenier photo they took didn't work. what if they offered us another free ride on the flyer?"
"NOOOOOOOOOO........"

-------------------------------

On another note, i stumbled upon this video yesterday and thought it was great.
There's a carnegie mellon professor who is sick from cancer and has only months to live, and this was the last lecture he gave at the college.

In the lecture he talked about life and dreams and it was very apparant that he lived a life full of passion and fun.

DILBERT CHANGES JOBS

I've recently stumbled upon 2 more Laws of Nature.

1) After mentally committing to a diet plan, all sorts of big yummy meal appointments start pouring in with obligations.

2) there is no such thing as "free time". Once nature sniffs the time slot vacuum on your calendar, appointments start flying in.


and i shall now proceed to waste more of my free time by blogging.

so it's been 4 weeks since i switched jobs. My project isn't running yet so i have a lot of "free" time at work.

I've been telling everyone willing to listen that "the only thing worse than being very busy at work, is being very free".

See, free time at work isn't really free time. It's not like i can take a nap, make magaritas, read newspapers or surf the net. you have to look busy even if there's nothing to do. and that's EIGHT hours of trying to dig out things to do. for FIVE days.

it's slowly getting better as i've been reading report after report and researching on things i don't know.

i'm quite an audiophile now i think. i've never been particular about the sound quality of my players/radios. I don't even look at the specs, all i needed to know was the memory space and whether it looks good. But now i know what stereo channel balance, A weighting and THD+N stand for. FWAH!

------------------------------------

the environment i'm in now is radically different from my previous environment.
it's a lot kinder and more cultured, as can be expected in an office environment.

most of the staff here have stayed for 7 years on average,
and all i remember from the last few weeks was eating free company lunches all the time.

i'll hazard a guess by saying that the previous one had a lower than national average staff welfare and this one has a slightly above average welfare scheme, and it's a gd thing i went from low to high and not the other way round. I find myself quietly chuckling from disbelief whenever i get another email from HR announcing yet another staff benefit they're implementing from their seemingly unlimited budget.

Having said that, it's not been all a bed of roses.

I do miss some things from my previous job.

I miss the buzz and the tight deadlines that give me motivation and drive.

I miss being able to run around. I'm completely office based now and i literally feel like my ass is slowly spreading out by the hour to fill up the seat.

I miss having a close knitted team.

I miss talking to the aunties. I have a thing for "heartlanders". They're usually unpretentious and kind old dames who sound very funny when they start complaining abt everything.

I miss being the resident expert.

----------------------------------------------

With every job change in a different "field", you go from the expert to the complete novice.
it's challenging and ego bruising.

i was already prepared for that, but it can still be difficult at times.

I still remember the first months in Alabama where CC, in his usual tactless manner, used to say "you're the engineer, you're supposed to know!!".

No one said that to me yet at this present place but i feel like i can see it in their eyes.
Actually on hindsight, my colleagues now are a lot kinder than the brash americans but i still feel the same level of useless-ness.

To make matters worse, i now have pple reporting to me.

my style has always been to get knowledge from everybody, regardless of whether you're an engineer or technician or operator.
what i'm interested in is their knowledge gained from years of day-to-day experience, something which i have none of.
Sometimes the operators give very strange unscientific comments, and those i'll just filter out myself.

But anyway, i'm struggling now to balance between being a confident leader and being the humble student.
i don't feel very competent asking my subordinates things that i can imagine CC screaming "you're the engineer, you're supposed to know!"

my colleague mentor is the resident expert with all the answers and i'm the one with all the dumb questions.

sigh.

In the perfect world, i would be commanding and confident and learn through trial and error.
unlike most gd managers though, i don't sound confident on things i'm unsure about. I just can't smoke it. and that's my weakness i need to work on.

i do enjoy discussions with my colleague mentor. So far he really has answers to ALL my questions, no matter how obscure or technical. And he isn't smoking it too. I like that, there's so much more i can learn when i'm the empty barrel.

---------------------------------------------

my travel time has just about doubled.
i now spend 3 hours to and fro, which is quite troubling.
i'm still not inclined to drive though.

on public transport you get driven, which "frees" up your time.
I can sleep or read, things that i can't do if i drive.

Recently i've become addicted to reading, averaging abt a book a week.
With the right book, travel time practically becomes non-existent.

------------------------------------------------

With all this "free" time at work and in the train,
my imagination has gone into overdrive again.
there're so many things i want to do,
i just hope i have the willpower to see them through.

i'm also aware that whenever i get absorbed in my inner world,
i tend to start getting out of touch with the real world and social norms.

oh well.