Weird Problem

I'm getting touched/moved by juggling videos!!

The right soundtrack helps.....

the beauty of the patterns is one thing,
and then you think about the amount of work the juggler has to put in to do something like that
and then you ponder about the limitations of the human ability
and the people trying to push the boundaries.

it's inspiring,
it's magic.

i've been thinking about what juggling has done for/to me in recent days,
probably because WJD just came and went and some TV folks are interested in filming us next week

juggling is excercise for the brain.
-it sharpens your reflexes, and you can't stop thinking when you juggle.
- you learn that everything complex can be broken down to simpler patterns. You learn to FIND those simpler patterns. by looking at things differently, by trying various ways of doing the same thing. You know you found it when you get the elusive "click".
- you learn that the brain works in strange ways. sometimes it needs time to "compile" difficult patterns. you just can't get a trick until you stop juggling for a few days and let the brain unravel the pattern on its own without the hands in the way.

juggling is meditation for the soul.
-focus too hard, and you drop. think abt other problems, and you drop. You have to focus without really focussing. You have to be alert without really thinking. it's zen.

juggling is character building.
-you stay humble because you can never beat gravity. it always wins.
-you presevere because juggling teaches you that practice will get you there someday. it may take years, but you'll get there, regardless of whether you're rich or poor, male or female.

Juggling is fun.
- you smile when you break your personal best which you've been stuck at for the last 3 weeks.
- you laugh when you finally get a trick you've been working on for the last 5 months.
- you find deep peace when you get the "juggler's high". Where you juggle without really juggling. where you find that you're one with the world, with the music, with the pattern. it's like a peek at enlightenment. Through my 7 years of juggling i've only gotten the "high" twice. i look forward to my 3rd one. i know it'll come.

Juggling is friendship.
you bond with pple who juggle, because we share the same interest. No politics, no frustration, no bullshit. we're all the same. we juggle.

Juggling is ego boosting.
i have no pretentions about my juggling, i'm totally average if i can even say that.
but the times when bystanders came up and said they totally loved my show or that i'm "incredible", these little things you'll never forget.

Juggling is your own personal tutor, bringing you on your own personal adventure, making you a better person along the way. A trip you'll never want to get off once you really allow yourself in.

Juggling is love, it's passion, it's inspiration.
You can rest, but you'll never give up on it.

I juggle.
and i'm very proud of it.

Discover Hong Kong

i'm in a gd mood.
the break was probably good, though i've gotten even more tired after the trip.
all that packing and running around gave me two deep black rings round my eyes.

so 3 weeks before the trip, Boon called me with a "Eh, wanna go Hong kong".
2 weeks before the trip, i went to renew my expired passport.
1 week before the trip, we went to book tickets.
On the plane, we planned our itinary, on a palm-size wrinkled receipt paper.

"Wouldn't it be something, boon, if we were tour guides, and we waved around this mini piece of paper to the bus, telling them this is the itinary for a 4 day trip."
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the package included transportation from the airport to the hotel.
Boon and i were lazing around on the benches, trying to use the timer on her camera to take candid pictures...and the group nearly left without us.
but we found them.
Boon thinks the bus driver is heroic, cos on the way to our hotel he started arguing with a truck driver.

We got so bored on the bus,
we decided we will only converse in Cantonese, which i know not a word and which boon picked up from watching too many HK drama serials.

"tat mm tat?"
"tak boleh"
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so back in the hotel,
we realised there were naked men across the street.
pull the curtains open and you have naked men staring into our window.

ok, half naked men.
renovating the building across the street.

"Argh!! i have a freaky roommate in the room! and naked men across the street! Help!!!"
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Hong Kong is a pretty cool place.
HK island is busy and a concrete jungle like singapore, not very exciting to explore, especially with rain pouring down and slopes everywhere.

everytime we took a wrong turn and have to head back, we stare at the upslope in dismay.

we spent the whole of the 2nd day at lantau island,
that i enjoyed tremendously.

first stop was the world's tallest buddha,
seated 250 steps away.
raining somemore.
so we huffed and puffed up and consoled ourselves that this was sincerity.

boon bought some joss sticks which we carried up and found that there was no place to stick them.
i encouraged her to climb up the 3 metre decorative jar and stab the joss sticks in but she wouldn't listen.

then we went down to the monastry next door.
i like it, it was like being in the forbidden city, or shaolin or something.

we finally found a fireplace to light up the joss sticks and a jar we can stick them into.
so we gung ho-ly lit up 40 sticks at one go and choked ourselves with smoke.
while trying to find the next temple, we almost walked into a vegetarian restaurant holding 40 burning sticks.

"you know by the time we stick them in, they would have all burnt off. it's already at half length...."
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and then we trekked 15 minutes on a dirt track to find the Wisdom Path.
i would love to insert a picture of it but my camera's not with me.

The wisdom path is surreal...
it's quite something to be surrounded by mountains and streams and grass and birds chirping,
and then there're giant tablets with the heart sutra inscribed on them.
very nice.

next stop was to Tai O fishing village
where we had a good seafood meal and more exploration
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other places we went to were a han tomb and a Yamen city somewhat like Tang Dynasty but with real history behind the place. Somehow we managed to merge with a senior citizen tour group. We followed the guide since she was giving commentary. Boon tried to translate for me but she kept translating phrases like "Now we go to the next exhibit" and "let's go there now."

"Boon can you translate the STORY and not JUST the 'let's go forward'"

After a while we realised we were in the midst of really old pple.

"you know, maybe the guide is thinking, these two stick out like sore thumbs but think they can get away with merging with the group. Like nobody knows they don't belong to this group."

"or maybe she's wondering why we even joined the senior citizen tour. maybe we're chi bu lao pple"

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the view of the city from Victoria harbour is beautiful. it's breathtaking, postcard perfect sort of view.

the Peak tram and the view from the Peak is not to be missed too.

the food was really good too...they may not have variety like singapore, but what they do have, they do good.

At some point we thought it'd be a good idea to sit the train all the way to the China border.
We thought New Territories was some unexplored, unventured, undeveloped place.
it'd be like taking the Thailand-Malaysia old fashioned train through dirt tracks.
Instead it was like taking MRT to Yishun.
It's quite itchy backside, chi bao mei shi zuo sit train all the way to the end.

Sit until the end never mind,
we dunno how to head back somemore.
So we were lingering around the station, staring at the sign saying "ShenZhen",
and wondering which of the 6 platforms will take us back to HK and which will make us illegal China aliens.
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it was all pretty good.
i love the freedom and flexibility of free and easy trips.

Boon and I took short commentary videos and we might compile them together into a mini travelogue one day.
More often than not we'd either forget to press the button (and we've to reshoot the whole thing and sing the mickey mouse song 3 times in the middle of a crowd),
or we'd choose camera mode instead of video mode and so we have shots of us looking spaced out and shocked.

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HK is a lot like singapore.
Someone is copying the other.
Singapore should copy their excellent tourist spots signs and their clean public toilets.
the toilets even have some tape recording of some kid reminding you to be careful and to flush.

On the way back i took some tourist pamplets of singapore.
one day i'll take some time off to have a free and easy tour of singapore.
naked men not included.

Corporate Bitch

Thy name is me.
i'm gonna make Boon regret giving me that name by kicking her off the bed when we're in HK.
(Yes! we're going to Hong Kong!)

and we are so gonna get lost.
We can spend one night planning to watch charlie's angels and not be able to do it,
it's amazing that we're actually going on a trip together.

Even when we book the hotel/tix package, we can go to the wrong tour agency.

"excuse me, do you have this (insert details) package?"
"no sorry we don't"
"can't be, it says so on your website. and i called yesterday and your guy said it's still available"
"ok i'll go check" (guy searches through his tour pamplets intently)

we look at each other like "this guy ah, dunno his work".
suddenly boon sits up.
"you know what!" she hissed as her eyes widened, "i didn't call this agency! i called chan brothers!"

hong kong's gonna be fun.
let's hope we don't end up in tibet.
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sometimes words turn around and bite you in the butt
usually i make an effort to only blog happy stuff
those are the memories to keep right
but yet i have an urge to blog now
because i feel so strongly about certain things
and i guess this is a way to destress without swearing at pple

i've let you down, sea god.
i kept to your 3 words so far, but how long can i go on.
i'm tired.
i'm tired of being the only one who really cares.
i'm tired of carrying the weight of this mess on my shoulders.
i'm tired of trying to set things right.

we're in a mess.
and i can't do anything about it.
i tried, and now i see the massiveness of the resistance and challenge.

there is a very thin line
between someone respected for doing the right thing,
and a corporate bitch.

it's a struggle to find the balance.
and yet, why even try doing the right thing?
everyone is just trying to get by, doing what is enough, minding their own business.
if the project collapses, it collapses right? i did my own bit, it's not my fault.
Bravo.

there are some pple,
whose behaviour i don't agree with, and view with disdain.
the problem is,
i fear that one day i'll be just like that.

i can't change the system.
the system will change me.
it's just when,
and whether i let it.

we are all the same.
we are all the same.
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i'm sorry sea god
i can't do it.

W and GB were essential members of the alabama team.
they kept the whole thing together because they went beyond their roles.
they took pride in their work, they went all out to make it work.
to be fair, the environment allowed them the luxury to do that too.

i tried, sea god, i did.

but it's like smashing your face against the wall repeatedly, hoping one day it'll fall.
after a while, with nose bleeding and cheeks battered, you begin to wonder why.

if everyone gave 100%, i would happily give my 110%.
problem is, when i give 110%, they put in 90%.
so i try 120%, and i get 80%.

sometimes i'm actually embarassed to be on this side of the team.
if i was the customer i would feel frustrated to work with us too.

i don't really know whose side i'm on now
or rather, is there any side on my side?
that the customer is demanding is a given, let's all just band together and make this work.
but internally we kept getting shot at as well.

keep it coming fellas.
let's see where the breaking point is.

i get some once in a while,
at first i feel quite indignant,
then after a while it's quite funny.
one day i'll reply with a chicken butt,
to put things in perspective.
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Regarding work,
i'm disappointed.
i'm angry
i'm frustrated
i'm confused
i'm sad

but i'm not indifferent, yet.
i cannot allow myself to degenerate to that state.
another issue i'm grappling with.

so long as i'm around,
the project will not go down the drain
in fact i wish it'll carry on fine when i'm gone
after so long it's now like my little baby, i wanna see it succeed, flourish, grow.

i'll try, sea god.
even if i'm just one hand trying to clap, i'll try.
a "whoosh" for a clap is still better than no sound at all

Boy, I need inspiration.
these days, i'm lucky if i don't get demoralised.

It's like...

standing in a field full of cows surrounding you
u push one side, they move a bit.
u push another side, they move a bit.
u push and push and push and they nudge along.
Then one day,
you decide that you should start eating beef.
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on a side note
and a happier one

my production is slowly moving into the implementation stage.
MJ and I went to check out IKEA the other day.

i think the day i start buying all the planks and hammering them together,
is the time i'll go
"shit stuff i'm really doing this!"

this thing may be bigger than i imagined
already we'll probably need to rent lorries to carry equipment.

it's kind of funny thinking about it.

i think it's gonna happen.
it's my one world where i can escape to.
where the cows are mine and i don't have to be a corporate bitch to move them.
all i need is a kick up my procastinating ass.
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MY kick, up My ASS.
if only everything was this simple.