Corporate Bitch

Thy name is me.
i'm gonna make Boon regret giving me that name by kicking her off the bed when we're in HK.
(Yes! we're going to Hong Kong!)

and we are so gonna get lost.
We can spend one night planning to watch charlie's angels and not be able to do it,
it's amazing that we're actually going on a trip together.

Even when we book the hotel/tix package, we can go to the wrong tour agency.

"excuse me, do you have this (insert details) package?"
"no sorry we don't"
"can't be, it says so on your website. and i called yesterday and your guy said it's still available"
"ok i'll go check" (guy searches through his tour pamplets intently)

we look at each other like "this guy ah, dunno his work".
suddenly boon sits up.
"you know what!" she hissed as her eyes widened, "i didn't call this agency! i called chan brothers!"

hong kong's gonna be fun.
let's hope we don't end up in tibet.
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sometimes words turn around and bite you in the butt
usually i make an effort to only blog happy stuff
those are the memories to keep right
but yet i have an urge to blog now
because i feel so strongly about certain things
and i guess this is a way to destress without swearing at pple

i've let you down, sea god.
i kept to your 3 words so far, but how long can i go on.
i'm tired.
i'm tired of being the only one who really cares.
i'm tired of carrying the weight of this mess on my shoulders.
i'm tired of trying to set things right.

we're in a mess.
and i can't do anything about it.
i tried, and now i see the massiveness of the resistance and challenge.

there is a very thin line
between someone respected for doing the right thing,
and a corporate bitch.

it's a struggle to find the balance.
and yet, why even try doing the right thing?
everyone is just trying to get by, doing what is enough, minding their own business.
if the project collapses, it collapses right? i did my own bit, it's not my fault.
Bravo.

there are some pple,
whose behaviour i don't agree with, and view with disdain.
the problem is,
i fear that one day i'll be just like that.

i can't change the system.
the system will change me.
it's just when,
and whether i let it.

we are all the same.
we are all the same.
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i'm sorry sea god
i can't do it.

W and GB were essential members of the alabama team.
they kept the whole thing together because they went beyond their roles.
they took pride in their work, they went all out to make it work.
to be fair, the environment allowed them the luxury to do that too.

i tried, sea god, i did.

but it's like smashing your face against the wall repeatedly, hoping one day it'll fall.
after a while, with nose bleeding and cheeks battered, you begin to wonder why.

if everyone gave 100%, i would happily give my 110%.
problem is, when i give 110%, they put in 90%.
so i try 120%, and i get 80%.

sometimes i'm actually embarassed to be on this side of the team.
if i was the customer i would feel frustrated to work with us too.

i don't really know whose side i'm on now
or rather, is there any side on my side?
that the customer is demanding is a given, let's all just band together and make this work.
but internally we kept getting shot at as well.

keep it coming fellas.
let's see where the breaking point is.

i get some once in a while,
at first i feel quite indignant,
then after a while it's quite funny.
one day i'll reply with a chicken butt,
to put things in perspective.
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Regarding work,
i'm disappointed.
i'm angry
i'm frustrated
i'm confused
i'm sad

but i'm not indifferent, yet.
i cannot allow myself to degenerate to that state.
another issue i'm grappling with.

so long as i'm around,
the project will not go down the drain
in fact i wish it'll carry on fine when i'm gone
after so long it's now like my little baby, i wanna see it succeed, flourish, grow.

i'll try, sea god.
even if i'm just one hand trying to clap, i'll try.
a "whoosh" for a clap is still better than no sound at all

Boy, I need inspiration.
these days, i'm lucky if i don't get demoralised.

It's like...

standing in a field full of cows surrounding you
u push one side, they move a bit.
u push another side, they move a bit.
u push and push and push and they nudge along.
Then one day,
you decide that you should start eating beef.
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on a side note
and a happier one

my production is slowly moving into the implementation stage.
MJ and I went to check out IKEA the other day.

i think the day i start buying all the planks and hammering them together,
is the time i'll go
"shit stuff i'm really doing this!"

this thing may be bigger than i imagined
already we'll probably need to rent lorries to carry equipment.

it's kind of funny thinking about it.

i think it's gonna happen.
it's my one world where i can escape to.
where the cows are mine and i don't have to be a corporate bitch to move them.
all i need is a kick up my procastinating ass.
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MY kick, up My ASS.
if only everything was this simple.