Divine Thoughts of a Confused Yaya

ok i'm mildly embarassed by my outburst
that is why we should all count to 10 million before blogging
i thought of deleting the posts
but they're pretty interesting

from now on only good stuff should be here
period.

some last words to end the dreadful week.

my decibel experiment didn't work well.
i sounded agressive and ended up having a shouting match with W first thing in the morning.
funny thing is it's over something completely dumb and which concerns neither of us.

so the morning started badly.
in my bitchy hangover mood the world was really ugly.
just the way i see the world.
everything's probably the same but my eyes are different.

and then i opened my eyes to the nice people around me.
FJ, AR, and J are all nice mild people.
they've survived this long so there must be a way.

AY joined us for lunch today.
he's an ex-military man, and personifies all the military qualities of righteousness and honesty and stuff.
He's been real kind to me "because i seem like a nice person".

so it dawned on me that in my quest to become a yaya bitch
i might get some foothold
but at what cost?
i'll lose a lot more, in terms of friendships and happiness.
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when i recall some of the stuff Ahole did
i can still summon simmering rage
it's quite amazing how someone can push all your trigger buttons

anyway i found out from others that they too had hell from him
WP was like "gee, i dunno what's happening at their company man. it must be a real dog-eat-dog world there because they're just so.......(shakes head)"
he trailed off and never completed his sentence.
i guess there's no way of describing them without putting in some expletive.

if Ahole worked here and he got fired one day
i'll be first to pack his desk for him
if there isn't a line already

it must be quite sad to be like that isn't it.
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it's amazing what long walks do for me.
2 to be exact. the most i've walked in a day so far.

i spent the whole of yesterday sleeping. like really whole day.
the only thing i did was eat breakfast, drive, eat lunch. sleep.
just too tired, probably mildly depressed.

i'm glad i took a walk to get my groceries today.
managed to get slightly more enlightened.

i'm gonna take the cue from ong lai tart.
"i'm just a simple girl doing what i can in my field."

the driving force of a yaya bitch is ambition.
at the cost of stepping many toes along the way.
i should just stick to being a "simple girl doing what i can in my field"
and become the person that makes me happy.

without ambition there is really no need to be a yaya bitch.
if i get recognised, so be it. if i dun, so be it.
at least there wouldn't be people fighting to pack my desk if i get fired.
it must be cruel to spent half your life in a place where people hate you.
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CL stepped on my toenails too
being his usual cocky self
and this week is a touchy week for me

i hate discrimination
especially when you're at the wrong end of the stick
in my rageful fit
i thought that my disregard for social strata was the problem
that i should apply discrimination myself in order to uplift my esteem since i was getting so battered

i got enlightened during my long walks
that's just such a wrong solution
what i should be doing is to continue respecting everyone and what they do
and to take no crap from anyone who kachiaos me
that way everybody wins
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the last divine thought of an enlightened yaya
is that to get something good out of this episode
i should convert something negative to positivity
and channel my outrage into motivation

yaya
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there was a winter storm warning this weekend
which was pretty worrying cos i thought i wouldn't be able to go out and get groceries
i could probably live with the food i still have
but what if i ran out of toilet paper?

so even though i still have some
i went out to buy more
in case i get stranded next week

that's why i made 2 trips to the store
which wasn't too bad
if the toilet paper wasn't so friggin heavy
it was a 12 roll pack but it was so blardy big and heavy to carry home
those have got to be the most precious toilet paper i've ever used
i'd have to work so hard for them

i'm glad M came by just now
unexpectedly
he tried calling but i was on the internet

anyway it's nice to hang out with young people again
people not from work

when i first got here
it was a bed of roses
everyone was just so friendly and funny
but i'm beggining to see
that beneath the roses
lie a bed of thorns
everyone is chummy on the surface
but it doesn't mean they like each other

that just kills me
people shouldn't pretend to like people they dun like
maybe it's just W, or it's this place, or this city, or this country, or this world

i dunno

i just wanna be a simple person, doing what i can.

yaya.

Divine Secrets of the Yaya Bitches

Thanks god it's friday
not just because the weekend is here
but because A hole is gone

i'm surprised i'm still alive
it wouldn't be so
if i hadn't decided this morning that i've had enough shit
and i walked away
and stayed away

so the morning started out upsetting
but after keeping 10m away from shit zone for a few hours
i got calmer and it's just another day

on hindsight getting Aholed might actually have benefitted me
i can see my problem now (and it'll not be a problem no more)

i am an engineer.
i need to act like an engineer.
i need to dress like an engineer.
i need to talk like an engineer.
most importantly,

i need to believe i am an engineer.

and anything less is unacceptable.

I hope i never see A hole again
never say never but i really mean NEVER
cross my heart bless my soul
there's a chance we still might
and the next time i'll be ready for him
bring it on

i'm surprise by how much dislike i can have for someone
and all i did was spend one long day with him
condescending piece of poop.

W: You might be a little rude to him today.
Me: Yeah i'll admit that. but in my defence he was rude to me first.
W: You're supposed to be the bigger person here.
Me: i'm also the woman.

in his little obnoxious manner i dun even think he noticed my rudeness
which is fine
prob might save me some trouble
if he did
that'd be great too
frankly my dear, i dun give a damn

the more i write the more rage i feel rising again
i guess the bottled emotions from the morning is coming out








W knows i'm pissed
he says i'm letting Ahole get to me
and i shouldn't bring it home with me








Nice pple dun win
there's no place for niceness
it's not appreciated
it's a sign of weakness
defend yourself while you can

it's never my fault
never
ever

i haven't gotten to the stage of pointing fingers yet
not as in pushing the blame (but it's never my fault remember)
as in jumping on someone's mistakes
i dun want to get anyone fired

but who knows
maybe that's the next stage of yayahood

i need to speak louder
get myself heard
i'll add one decibel per month i'm here

by the time i get home i'll be one big screaming bitch

one day i'll look in the mirror
and i won't know who i am anymore
and this is where it all starts

welcome to the big 2-4.

be nice to those who are nice.
be hell to those who are hell.
that is the divine secret of a yaya bitch.

yaya.



----------------------
it just dawned on me
wouldn't it be obsene
if one day i find myself
turning into the exact Ahole i hate so much now

the vicious cycle of Aholes.

yaya.
----------------------

in the midst of this negativity
the silver lightning is that F and R have been real sweethearts
W too, sort of

most people here are nice
when they're not working

i'm sorry that to become the tougher person i'm determined to be
i'd have to do things differently
and not be as helpful to them as i was before
niceness is a sign of weakness

oh well

this has just been a horribly emotional week
touched by kindness
get bruised and battered
likely hormonal as well

I think W is surprised to see this side of me
how i can be so filled with hostility toward someone
i'm surprised too

oh well
yaya

on hindsight i didn't handle it well today
never show displeasure even if you're filled with it
take no shit from no one but dun be hostile
hostility begins behind the person's back.

speak with authority

be nice if you're not working
but where work is involved
niceness is a sign of weakness

slug it out as much as you take it in

i am never wrong until proven wrong
and if that ever happens i'll find a way to justify my words
because i'm never wrong

talk
even if no one is listening
just talk

what you say is not as important as how you say it

what you say is not as important as how you say it

what you say is not as important as how you say it

I am an engineer.

let the war begin.

tmrw, my voice goes up one decibel.
yaya.

I'll Burn in Hell, and I'll see you there II

there's a line between nice and wimp
there's a line between modesty and inferiority

when you get slapped and turn your face
you get slapped again
it's the nature of things
so screw whoever who says otherwise

and that's why there'll never be peace
but as long as it's not me
screw the rest of the world
fuck off and get off my back

what do you do
when the biggest A hole in town
is the customer who is "always right"

what's the use of knowledge
if you can't express it
what's the use of knowledge
when you can make it up

how do you get respect
if you dun recognise the social division

with sadness comes happiness
with discrimination comes esteem

why do i go to the extra length
if it's gonna bring me extra woes

why should i be considerate
when i dun get reciprocated

you can't please the world
so why not just please yourself

i'm sorry i let him get to me
i'm sorry i made it personal
i'm sorry i allowed him to hurt my esteem
and i'm sorry i can't say this to his face

Fuck you.

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i'm calmer now.

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i thought i was gonna crash the car in my emotional state
but it was surprisingly therapeautic
i can't concentrate on driving and be angry at the same time

for a while i couldn't even remember what i was angry abt
but i know i'm mighty pissed at something

i can't stand it when pple are chummy together
and then when the other party is not around
they start sliming them with vengence

i told myself i should never be two faced
but how i ask you
how

it's alright
i'll move on
just needed to cuss and swear and let it out
tmrw is a new day

we learn something new everyday
be nice to those who are nice
be hell to those who are hell

and we'll all live happily ever after.

I'll burn in hell, and i'll see you there

it's been one of those weeks
where i can photocopy a piece of document
and it ends up stuck in the feeder torn in 3 pieces

it's one of those days
i wasn't thorough and looked stupid
no one jumped on me and it wasn't serious
but i'm disappointed with myself
but it's not my fault
it's never my fault
never

TODAY
is one of those days
i'm stuck with an incredible A-hole
and so today i learnt
if i have to be a fucking bitch
then that's what i'll be

the learning never ends
but i know more than you do
always

i'll burn in hell
and i'll see you there

amen

W: Look at that girl, she's hot.
Me: Hmm...well she's kind of old...but i guess she's alright.
W: You know how i know she's hot?
Me: How?
W: She was standing beside me 10 mins ago in front of the fan going 'I'm hot!'.
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I should stop the habit of napping on the couch. When it's time to sleep i get too awake and then i sleep late and i wake in the morning a wreck.

the microwave must be the greatest kitchen invention for single people. I love it. I love having non messy meals. No cutting, no raw food, no mess...just put in the microwave and ding!

Nuggets taste better when pan fried but i can do without the oil and the washing of the greasy pan.

Cleaned up my apartment yesterday. The broken down heater created a mess. It was quite enjoyable getting in touch with my housewife side, although it took quite a bit of procastination to get started. abt 1 week. once i'm in the groove it was no stopping me though. Even washed my bedsheets and towels. Spick and span. Cleared up my kitchen to fit in the microwave. It sort of has a zen theme now. minimalism. clean. neat. tidy. lovely.

Being a housewife once every 3 months is just right. i'll stick with the lifestyle of the modern single career woman for now, which means just ding!

Microwave meals is quite measly. and they dun taste that good. considering the convenience they're fantastic though. maybe i can shed some weight that way. or maybe i shld just stop buying those that say "carb watchers".

ooh the best part is i bought a container that allows me to poach eggs in the microwave. So now i can enjoy my eggs too! Wow!

I guess if i work on my cooking i could possibly get better at it. But like art i dun have that much of an interest in it. Cooking itself is alright, it can be quite creative and enjoyable. but the washing up is so painful, and sometimes the eating is too. Maybe i shld start using the dishwasher.
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Just saw The Pixes on The David Letterman show. I thought it was gonna be Pixie Chicks those little country girls and suddenly i saw a rock band. It was good music. Made me miss my CD at home. I thought The Pixes will look much cooler and rockish given their negative music ("Debaser", "this monkey is going to heaven", "where is my mind") but they look quite old and fat. The guitarist is a woman though. That's so grand. I wish i had interest in the guitar. Being in a band is so grand. Maybe i shld go pick up some drums and guitar one day.
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killed a tiny cockroach yesterday. not proud of my lack of remourse. if it was just passing through my apartment to get to the other side of the road it's fine with me but i can't afford to let it linger and grow in my apartment.

and i thought i wouldn't see an insect in my time here. i hope it's not just cos it's winter.
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i'm finding out more abt the mandatory car insurance i'll have to buy in order to drive here. it's gonna cost me a bomb cos i fit into every criteria of a high risk driver. My license is days old (counting my chickens before they hatch here), my car is old (counting chickens counting chickens), i'm non-american and i'm below 25. I'm just about ranked number one in the risk stakes. maybe number 2, since i'm female. and i will be getting a cert from the driving school, if i dun wreck the teacher's car in the next week.
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it's really nice to hear from folks back home. Boon icqs offline expressing horror at my driving, jialu calls to chat and over msn she had to remind me of ong lai tarts which i've forgotten abt but now i can just taste them in my head (her msn nick is "ong lai tarts ong lai tarts where art thou" !!), weips emails with me about her teaching experiences, jen leaves comments in my blogs...and few more pple who send me stuff once in a while....

i wouldn't say i'm tremendously homesick. i sort of like the situation here. being busy at work during workdays and hanging out with amusing colleagues, then spending weekends alone to get away from it all and recuperate physically and mentally (i am but an introvert). But it's nice to hear from friends, to know there are pple out there who know you pretty well, whom i'm connected with so it's more relaxing than tiring to chat with.

it's not a bad situation to be in. to be thankful for the stuff at home cos i dun have it now, and yet treasuring the time here cos it's transient and won't last long.
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i just read an article about Claude Shannon over the weekend. He's this famous juggler who built one of the first (and maybe only) juggling robot which is friggin hard cos of the control feedback and stuff. And i just realised this is the same shannon who came up with Shannon's Limit which i learnt in school! It's like realising Newton is a juggler.

amazing.

He's from MIT somemore, and the article (written by another juggler MIT prof i think..ranked 20th top economist in the world of economy something like that) said something like "you never know who's gonna drop by the MIT juggling club".

so cool.

imagine doing club passing with the next Nobel prize winner.

imagine discussing ong lai tarts with the next Nobel prize winner.
ong lai tarts ong lai tarts where art thou....i'm not a brain!...you're a humble brain.....
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I also only just found out how ridiculous the workload of a teacher is. i heard of all the infamous paperwork but i thought they're teaching related. now it seems like the teacher is in charge of teaching, ECAs, and school management like simi staff welfare. (isn't that ironic...to overload a teacher and then pile more duties by putting her in the staff welfare comm).

they should just hire admin staff for that...and leave the teachers to teach. Now the admin staff is like what...just the P, VP and the secretary?

hmmm...hail the teachers. Someone send them some ong lai tarts!
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May Peace be with all

it's been a good eventful week.

well first of all, I took time off on Friday and when i got back on Monday i learnt that my boss got fired. It's not why it's a good week though, i have nothing against him, haven't seen him that much too, it's just not an event that happens everyday.

He's the official person here in charge of me, wonder how the local office folks will react when they learn he's gone.

J, the deputy manager aka Mr Nice Guy who drives me to and fro work is now promoted to the position of the boss. sort of anyway. If there's anything good abt the episode (and there's nothing good abt someone losing their rice bowl) it has to be this, that J is the new boss.

He is a good person, and i like his working style. I especially admire his patience and calmness in the midst of chaos. He also has this way of being confident without being arrogant. Sometimes while chatting he'll throw in a line tooting his own horn and that amuses me but somehow it doesn't seem like he's bragging. it's just a matter of fact sort of statement.

sometimes when i find myself getting impatient explaining stuff i'll think "be like J be like J...patience...". i'm trying to curb the habitual impatient side of my character, many people have been patient with me so far getting me up to speed and it's only right i return the favor.

he's my self chosen mentor i guess. the bum part is that now that he has more duties and is busier he spends less time in the project i'm in. the good part is i have more to do now and i like that, i like getting more involved.

CL is another engineer i'll want to emulate. Modesty is not his strength, but he's smart, assertive and has bagloads of confidence.

Both of them are canadians too. isn't it strange how i come all the way down south and i learn from canadians.

oh well, like i told W, anyone i can learn something from is my mentor.
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i love the hustle and bustle of the plant. there're always things running, always numbers to meet. it's like a major team project getting the product from start to end.

Talking about teams, i realise that the difference between school and work is that we dun get to choose our project mates no more. Remember how in school we'll usually choose to work with people we trust and are friends with and avoid the anal ones, well at work there's no luxury of choice.

i believe in good honest work. Willingness to learn and work hard will always get rewarded somehow. i'm observing, and perhaps learning, about common office politics at play here. Especially now with the upheaval of a management change. i'm not involved, there's no need to and i dun want to anyway, so it's just interesting to observe as a third party.
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i'm given mostly a free rein here, and while i was a little directionless initially, now i like that freedom. I could choose to go down the road of nua-ing the whole year, or i could stick my nose into anything that intrigues me. the latter option is way more fun. I get to find stuff to do to make myself useful, i get to learn new things, i get to meet new pple.

i'm also picking stuff up that is probably not within my job scope as an engineer. J said he started out in this line as a part time job while in college, and his first assignment was sorting out the different sizes of screws. He thinks it's good to work from bottom up, and i kind of agree with that. If i started out as a full fledge engineer, i'll prob not have time to hang around the technicians as much and learn what they do. one more reason why i'm glad to be here.

There was an interesting conflict this week. The project is going full steam and the pressure of meeting numbers is high. The engineers for this project had to do an upgrade so the machines were down for a while and the technicans went absolutely ballistic. I was right smacked in the middle cos i'm part of the engineering team but i'm also a friend of the technicians. They're not mad at me, but they made it known what they thought of engineers who "can't quit messing with the machines because they have nothing else to do". the root of the conflict from my analysis is that the technicians didn't understand what the enginneers were doing (upgrading the machines ultimately helps the technicians but they were too red with rage to hear my explanation) and the engineers did not show enough tact and consideration.
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On the personal front, i finally bought myself a microwave so that's a breakthrough in my home cooked meals. the last straw was the meal i cooked last weekend. whipped up a meal with all the food that were nearing expiration. All that effort cooking and washing pots and i didn't even enjoy the meal.

ate cornflakes for the rest of the week. the road of less pain.

my water heater broke down mid-week. came back from work to a flooded bathroom. it managed to flood my neighbor downstairs too. the 24 hours maintenance guy came by, changed it but forgot to hook it up so i went without hot water for a day. i'm now more grateful about hot water than i've ever been.

without the water heater the water is not just cold, it's freezing. i can't wash my hands without them getting numb. Imagine washing your face in the morning with ice water. woohoo.

the good part, is that i got to know the maintainance guy and he's a good guy.

driving lessons nearing to an end. pray that i get my license in about a week. in lesson 1 I nearly crashed into a car coming head-on in MY lane, lesson 2 i got overtaken by another car illegally and he nearly crashed, lesson 3 i almost drove off the road onto a field, and lesson 4 i did drive off the road onto the side (the instructor was like "i'm gonna get you"). but other than that i did pretty good i think.

after the excitement and hassle of getting a car, i'll probably look for a new place. always something to do. maybe by the time i really settle down it's time for me to fly home.
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I love Saturday Night Live. It tickles the hell out of me.

I should get back to juggling. haven't juggled for so long. i think on a sub conscious level it makes me homesick so i dun really wanna do it. I'm fascinated with creative juggling, but that's even harder than numbers in a way cos it's not something that pure hard work can get you.

Given that i'm surrounded by smokers, i'm amazed that instead of being tempted i'm actually repelled. it's like being in a room full of people eating hotdogs. i'd get tempted to try a hot dog. but if i'm in a room full of people gorging on hot dogs, it's not a pretty sight and i wouldn't touch one. it's definitely not a pretty sight watching people smoke 2 sticks in 15 minutes during their breaks. I used to join them outside on smoke breaks but i've stopped cos it's too cold, there's no coffee machine, and with the amount of passive smoke i'm inhaling i might as well smoke one myself.

W and F used to smoke and drink. W stopped after his heart attack, F stopped after he calculated how much he was spending on cigarettes.

"it's one of those things you do when you're young. Wait, so you dun smoke, you dun drink, what DO you do?"

"er...i juggle?"

F and R are simply adorable. They remind me of the dwarfs in snow white. They're abt my height, so they're NOT THAT short, but their round builts, beards, jolly laughter, blur looks....they're just so cute.

Many pple have beards, are round and are jolly here. i'm machiam in Santa land.

HIVE FI

what a blardy extraordinary week. i dun even know where to start.

well first of all, my body decided that since there was no external excitement to amuse me, it would screw up on me so i have something to do.

I've been more sick in my last 2 months here than i have been for the last two years in singapore. And it's not common illnesses either, it's damn weird sicknesses like shingles and hives.

shingles.
that's got to take the cake.
technically i'm not even sure if that's what i got, i kind of self diagnosed myself with the internet. I thought i had cold sores at first (cold weather + sores = cold sores) but cold sores turned out to be some mouth ulcer thingy. then it looked like mild shingles to me, kind of fitted into the symptoms.

so i was pretty stunned at first, took a half hr walk to shake off the stunness and i started seeing the lighter side of it. SHINGLES? that's like an old people illness man, the website was like "usually occurs in people over 60, but there are cases where the virus is activated due to stress."

and what kind of blardy stress am i in that shingles popped out?

anyway shingles happened weeks back, its cleared now but it sure didn't feel good. extremely painful and itchy, but i figured time will heal all wounds, even strange ones, and it sure did.

and then i started having dizzy spells. but i think that's cos i napped on the couch in a weird position and i stood up too quickly or something. twice i did that and twice i fainted. i'm learning i'm learning. again technically i didn't faint, just felt extreme nausea and the first time i stupidly tried to walk and so promptly plopped with my butt on the floor like a baby trying to walk. Took minutes for me to get my senses back. interesting sensation, never felt like that before. the nausea was the worst part to go through. 2nd time i learnt enough not to walk and held on to the bathroom pole until the dizzyness went away. hmmm.

I told W and he was like "are you sure you're ok? you're supposed to be healthy girl. I mean, i get dizzy spells too but then again i almost died a few years ago." (he got a heart attack a few years back)

"it's either cos i stood up too quickly from the couch or it was from the egg i ate"

"Rrrright."

well THIS week, my body decided to add hives on its repetoire. suddenly out of nowhere the hives popped out. it was a good thing i had hives once before in s'pore so i knew it's pretty harmless and self healing, although extremely distressing and scary looking. the hives i had here was more serious than the local one too.

back to the internet. apparantly the hives can be triggered by almost anything, from food to weather (too cold/too hot) to water to exercise to stress. i was contemplating staying home cos i looked horrible (the first thing W said when he saw me was "you look like someone just slapped you awake" cos i had red splotches on my face).

i didn't cos i was taking friday off to get my driving test done and it's not good to take too many off days. i only had 2 so far (friday for driving and another for MC) and W never fails to remind me that i've taken more off days than him in my 2 months here compared to his 17 years here. (according to some strange counting system he has)

it was a good thing i went to work too. cos it seems like everyone there has got hives before at some point and they all knew exactly what to do. Take anti-allergy pills and bathe in oats.

"Oats? like Quaker oats?"

"Oats from the pharmacy dummy. they're the same thing actually but these are in powder form. you go ahead and use quaker oats and clog up your bathtub."

W drove me out to Wal-mart during lunch to get my pills. turned out J went out during his lunch break and bought me pills too. J's a really really nice person by the way. He drives me to and fro work...kkeke....and always gets me stuff to make me comfortable. Did i mention he's sort of like our deputy manager? he's married...hehe...to a very nice vibrant lady too (been to their house for dinner before). All nice people are married. Only pple like me and W are left. (he's gonna kill me for writing that...if he reads it)

so anyway the pills worked like miracle. I turned from red to yellow in front of them within an hour.

"Damn, now i can't make fun of your red face anymore. But see what i mean, you should always listen to advice from the old women here. they have kids who get weird stuff all the time."

"yeah, S was like showing me the rashes she has right now!"

S walked by. "i heard what W told you. i'm just gonna let you know i'm not an old lady"

"he also told me the pills are killing my eggs and making me less fertile"

(shoots resigned look at W, while he chuckles away) "Next time you double check with me whatever he's telling you, dear"

yup. so i'm healthy again! until i next stand up quickly from the couch again. so it was good i went to work, otherwise i would be at home waiting for it to go away and scratching away.

It was pretty bad for a while after lunch though, after i popped my first pill.

"W, i think i'm getting worst. Tie my hands!"

"You're allergic to anti-allergy pills??"

CL walked by. "What are you allergic to? Too much chocolate?"

"she thinks she's allergic to exercise"

"i'm allergic to too little chocolate probably. i'm allergic to both of you! you came by yesterday!"

it's all good now. i can still see patches but they dun itch no more. should go away soon.
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Work went by pretty alright. W was nicer to me the last few days and helped boost my esteem a bit. He seemed more confident than i am in the work i was doing.

i hope i'm doing alright. i'm pretty much given a free reeling role here. Since i'll be gone in a year i can't really be bogged with responsibilites, so i'm more like helping the others with their stuff. I'm pretty much enjoying myself but i'm not sure if i look like i'm slacking off to others (it's all about wayang remember).

i'm getting to know much more about the boards, but somehow applying the theory for practical usage is so difficult. And R seems to know so much more than me, makes me truly humbled. He's a technician but he's very experienced in EM. i'm learning a lot from him but sometimes it's quite embarassing cos i should be knowing this stuff from school (EM was never my fav sub). So yeah, i'm humbled and embarassed. should pull up my socks.

(my dad always says engineers are just bullshit. all theory and nothing else. He heard of a story where a VIP's car broke down and they send an engineer to fix it and he came up with all sorts of theory but the car still unfixed. They sent in a technician and he fixed it in an hour.)
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oh guess what, there was a tornado warning yesterday!

actually there was a tornado-warning-warning. the other end of the plant got the warning so this end prepared for the warning by shutting the machines down.

so there i was blissfully in my office, unaware of the warning-warning, and i walked out and i see everyone drifting about doing nothing since the machines are shut down. it's pretty fun and exciting.

if the warning comes, everyone runs to the toilet cos it's the most secure place. isn't that nice to know. that when we pee we're in the most secure part of the building. the world can be destructing outside while we pee unaware!

the warning didn't come in the end.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

CL: "R! what are you doing here at their station?!"

"He jumped ship."

"Bastard. R Bastard G. Wonder what your mom thinks of that."

"No wonder he jumped ship!"

"he didn't jump ship. your ship..shit..ship... stinks. your shit stinks."

He's a funny guy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

"you know if we build this wrong, some guy is gonna have nothing on his heart monitor machine in the hospital and the nurse is gonna defribillate him while he's sleeping. that would be something huh"
------------------------------------------------------

I should shorten my blogs. kind of hard to read long blogs. oh well it's a web-log after all. of the week that gone by.

the only exciting thing left abt this week, is that i cleared my written test for the driver's license! yeeha! i got 90% and 80% was the pass mark. so i didn't do that good. in my defence i was misled by their questions, some were typos and some i mis-interpreted so i thought it was some trick question. oh well a pass is a pass, i'm happy.

i'm just ended my first driving lesson too. by tmrw i would be 25% on my way to getting a license. things move quick around here don't they! yeeha!

hopefully by next month i can get a car. i'm also eyeing new clubs after stumbling upon 5clubjuggling.com which has a list of "elite" 5 club jugglers. argh....aim to get in aim to get in.
so much stuff to buy, i hope that's not what they mean when they say we externalize our happiness on material products.

driving was pretty nerve wrecking. haha. it's fun too. the instructor thinks i'm doing good for someone who's never driven, so that's cool. i keep turning onto the wrong lanes though. yeeha! left hand drive right hand drive, that's why i keep crossing the road looking the wrong way!

W has already placed bets on how many wrecks i'll get in my first month of driving.

time to do stuff! i've been up since 2 am to prepare for the written test! (everyone says it's easy and common sense, but it's not common sense to me! Common sense says don't cross the road looking the wrong way...)

Juggling without friends
is like Fann wong without hair

that shall be it then

it's getting late
my pumpkin time is coming
the lowdown of the week that passed

i realised that cycling to the nearest supermart is a pain
cos it's a gentle upslope all the way
so gentle i don't realise it when walking
but cycling is a pain in the butt

and then i realise
coming back is a breeze
i can virtually just cruise all the way home without pedalling
what joy
somemore got kick
from all that bread and milk hanging from my handlebars
resulting in erratic swings and balancing

i finally succumbed to the smell of Wendy's fries
so there i was
lazing on the couch
diet coke on my left
fries and burger on my right
watching a documentary on obesity
"why american women get fat and french women don't"

it made me feel guilty enough to head for the gym the next day
so here i am
aching like crazy from yesterday's workout
i ran (ok...JOG...ok...WALKED) 2.4 km and it barely burned my Wendy's burger i think

it was nice though
i feel healthy...mentally anyway...physically i feel like i just rolled down a hill

there was a girl at the gym, looks like the cheerleader sort...after her workout she put on her shades and drove off in her car...cool stuff....
and while i was huffing and puffing my 2 slabs of weights
2 American footballer-built guys came in and lifted 15 slabs of weights......each

i need new sporty shorts
only managed to grab 2 pairs of shorts from the cupboard before flying here.....
shorts my mom bought for me a long time ago.....
they look suspiciously like boxer shorts...

the weather here has been kind so far
i managed to cross the road and walk 10 min to the gym decked in my very uncool shorts without freezing my butt off
while pple up north are trying to dig their cars out of the snow
the cold front is coming down next week though
i hope it snows...considering how cold it's gonna get anyway
----------------------------------

SY says MJ has been juggling obsessively back home
"very fierce juggler"
he should probably just camp out at the esplanade
SY himself has been "juggling 70% of the time, 30% of the time other stuff"
and before i wrote wow he went "yeah much LOWER that before"

i started thinking back on the 3 of us
(nothing much to do on the threadmill)
how MJ graduated first and embarked on his choice of being a pro juggler
how i so admired his courage and determination especially when i'm disillusioned with homework

i may possibly be the only one, besides alan i guess, to view his choice without tainted eyes
i was supposed to join him on his ride
and i did for a while
it feels a bit like i've ditched him now

I wonder if i'll ever get back to performing and busking so unbashfully and enthusiastically again
it's like one of those silly things we do when we're young
not that i'm old now
and not that it's entirely silly
i kind of miss it
and yet it feels different...like more paisei now.....

some people who sometimes read my blog may have seen our performances before
and they're prob thinking "the show is a piece of crap"
and it probably is...haha...was anyway.
some of the shows were total embarassment....cringe-worthy...
part and parcel of starting out.....

SY's the next one now
i can see the parallel
disillusioned with homework, confused abt future, just wants to juggle....
i have a feeling he's not gonna take MJ's path much as he wants to
but hey,
who says the two can't go hand in hand
jolyon and jimmy seem to balance it well

so anyway, it's jus a thought
of how SY is busier now in his 3rd year
and i'm half the world away in my couch with my fries and burger
(watching why american women get fat and french women don't)
while MJ is at the esplanade, unrelentlessly still on the way to his original dream

it'll be cool if 20 years down the road
we get together again
like old birds who dun know they're old (a.k.a lao hiao)
and finish off what we never actually started.

i dun actually know what the previous paragraph means
we dun actually have something to finish or start
i just like the way that sounds
--------------------------------------------------

work has been alright.
it's a roller-coaster.

W and I are beginning to get on each others nerves more now
as expected when we work closely together for some time
at times i think i should just be a meano and slug it out
get toughened in the workforce
ditch niceness and wimpyness
but underneath he's alright
and he can get very nice and sweet
and then i'll start feeling blardy guilty

i think i need to be more firm and confident though
it's a lot of wayang
you can be 60% sure of something but when you say it with the right volume and right amount of conviction pple will probably think you're 90% sure.
Actually with the right volume and conviction you can say nothing and make it sound like something important.
Like SC says "this plant is so big you can probably spent one year walking around with a peice of paper before somebody realises you're not doing anything"

i dun really like to wayang
but i see how it helps
i dun like to be mean/tactless/pushy
but i see how it helps
one side of the coin says i'm losing my values
the other says i'm growing up

eat, or be eaten

roller-coaster...

sometimes i feel like
"damn! i really like this job!"
sometimes i feel like i'm so useless at it
part and parcel of starting out i guess.....
-------------------------------------------------

i'm getting fat here
French woman on telly says when she got back to france from america
her dad said she looks like a bag of potatos
J says when he first came here from canada he put on a lot of weight
"it's the fatty food here, especially the south!"
Mom says "you're not tall ah, so you can't put on weight!"

the ironic thing is
i think the main thing making me fat is not eating out
it's the fact that i like stocking up my kitchen
in case i wanna eat
even though i dun since i get back late and survive on cornflakes
which is fine
until everything edges towards expiry
and i have to finish it up
and then i have to stock up again
in case i wanna eat
even though i dun since i get back late and survive on cornflakes
which is fine
until everything edges towards expiry
and i have to finish it up
and then i have to stock up again
in case i wanna eat
even though i dun since i get back late and survive on cornflakes
which is fine
until everything edges towards expiry
and i have to finish it up
and then i have to stock up again
in case i wanna eat....
ad infinum

oh oh
pumpkin time!

quote of the week:

"It's all about looking fierce and having control on stage, otherwise the hecklers will eat you"
~Kumar
(this seems to work off stage as well i would think)

"When the hoof beats, don't just look for the horses. Look for the zebras too"
~woman on telly who got misdiagnosed by multiple doctors

oh yes
i find the Discovery Health channel horrific
it's a battle between curiosity and being grossed out

pumpkin time pumpkin time!!!

it's been an ok day
i think i'm becoming a workaholic
the good part is, time flew by without me knowing
that's got to be a good thing, since time flies when you're having fun

the bad part is, my bedtime is 10 plus and i get back at 8
which doesn't leave me much time since cooking and washing the blardy pots take an hr plus
and nua-ing in front of the telly takes time too

i've been sleeping very soundly here
it's either the cold weather and my warm bed or something
i hate it when i get up in the mornings
i'm so not a morning person
the plant runs 24 hours
and i've been telling them the 2nd shift (4pm to 12 am) suits me best
i can stay up all night if they just let me sleep in

it would have been a good day if i didn't get annoyed near the end
petty politics
it's almost like being in school again
i didn't wanna get sucked in and in the end got the black wok
it's nothing vicious, but it can get annoying

i've been taking it with a pinch of salt so far
i take it like they're just kidding
i'm currently trying to figure out if they ARE just kidding
so i've been pretty flippant and dismissive abt that so far
but sometimes exaggerated borderline truths can be misleading yes

i find it amusing that because i seldom get annoyed, when i DO get annoyed, it's not taken as a small deal.
not that it's a big deal, but i think it does make the party who annoyed me go "oh oh".

keke.

but it's ok here. most pple are nice most of the time. i try not to bear grudges and i think of their good side and all is fine.
W says with exasperation that i'm naive and "always see the good side in people!!"
heh. i take that as a compliment. (he sure didn't mean it as one)
He's exasperated cos he's complaining to me about stuff and i kept giving him the bright side to it.

i still have a long way to go to big hearted-ness, like good Buddhists.
there are still some gripes i can't let go, and i know that's not good.
oh well.

sometimes i can see the equivalent of the workplace to Survivor
it can get depressing, too much negativity and bad energy surrounding me
i won't get involved
i'd like to think character shines through in the long run
i'd like to think that will bring me to heaven and good karma and i'll get 3 husbands and 6 cars

speaking of buddhists
i went to a buddhist gathering on sun
it was in a chinese professor's house
among the things i learnt were
1) how the moon was created from the earth
2) a good way to terminate cockroaches is spray soap on them
3) a taiwanese scientist recently proposed a fifth state (state as in solid, liquid, gas, amorphous)
4) how water crystallises into different forms when exposed to different kinds of music (you should check out the crystal for heavy metal)

after 1 hr 45 min the prof realised this should be a buddhist lesson and the last 15 min was used for that.

it was a pretty cool gathering.
very buddhistic. lots of calmness, wisdom, cheerfulness.
i wish there were more young pple there though
then it will feel less like i was in the live audience of Fang Tai's cooking class

so most of today was spent in the meeting room where we had some lessons on the circuit board
it was fun
i love it when i'm learning stuff
it's during the slow periods where there's nothing much to do at work that i feel directionless and get depressed

anyway we spent most of the day in the quiet office area
W:"this place is so quiet it's like the hospital!"
after the lesson we went back to the manufacturing floor
and i suddenly realised how vibrant and energetic the floor was
and i was glad then that i dun work in general offices that girls are bred for
(one of my relatives certainly made it clear what he thought of girls in engineering and girls in business)

another thing this job has done for me
is now i'm inclined to think everything can be fixed.
this job is basically abt fixing machines that have torn apart after all.
plenty of patience and pain sometimes, but it can be fixed.

i also love my status now as an "attachee", "junior engineer", "trainee", "little one", "little sister", "grasshopper"
it gives me a license to be dumb
so i get away with being blur and asking questions that i should have remembered from school
many of the experts have been really patient with me too
which means i get to learn more
which also means i get questions like "what's with you and old guys? they love talking to you!"

damn it's getting late
i still need to wash the blardy pots
who needs a weighing machine
when my pants are getting tighter and my bike tyres are going flat.

EWONG De Gu SHI TOOOOO
~Tales from Alabama~

so i'm back.
2 month season break.

wish i could come back with a bigger bang.
like be in a better mood.
i've been waiting for days for that to happen
gotta start blogging at some point

i just read that Boom Boom Room is closing its doors this month.
it's the end of the era
i sure would have loved to go once
but these things happen
bye, i'll miss it. i guess.

i miss my fridays at the esplanade.
the energy and the youthful blissful moments
i missed the busker's festival
i'll be missing the taipan circus

i remember the day SY MJ and I juggled the day away
and spent the night discussing our big juggling related business plan
wonder what happened to that
wonder what the juggling scene in singapore is like now
seems pretty quiet

juggling without friends
is like egg without salt

i watch saturday night live on telly
and i think of weips
our big MTV plans
all the we-got-nothing-better-to-do things we can do cos we got nothing better to do

Jen calls sometimes
and it feels just like singapore cos i talk to her more than i meet her back home
Boon calls sometimes
and we never call each other when i'm home so it takes a move half a world away for that to happen :)

i'm probaby the only one
who can make luncheon meat look like dog meat
that's the kind of cook i am
it took me an hour just to open the blardy can without a can opener

i learnt
that chicken fillet + broccoli + cream of mushroom
results in the Cream of Shit

took me 2 days to eat it

i haven't touched broccoli and raw chicken ever since
it's a powerful dish this Cream of Shit

i'm becoming a much better cook now
enjoying my meals much more these days
pouring milk on my cornflakes is counted as cooking to me
buttering my toast is also cooking ok

been watching a lot of CNN
depressing. depressing news.
the news is bad.
the number of people killed is bad-er.
images of the wave and perished villages is bad-er-er.
but still managable.
then they started showing the hospitals and the injured in anguish
operations done without aneasthetic
that was really hard to watch. a different level of impact.

together with past experiences watching Discovery Health channel (accidentally)
i realised i dun take in gruesome images well
perhaps fate made the right choice for me then

among the other extraordinary things
i've done
that are not very smart

i tried cycling to work the first day i got my bike
didn't seem that far away in the car
also didn't seem to have so many blardy slopes when i'm in the car

9 km away
it took me an hour to get there
then i realised to go home it'll take me another hour
did i mention the temperature
was 0 degrees celsius

halfway back it was too tiring to continue
but too cold to stop
not a pleasant situation to be in
wasn't that bad actually
not fun, but not that bad.
not often i lose all sensation in my hands.

lots more things to write.
the many kind people i met here which is uplifting
but also some office politics and hypocrisy that is down,er,dropping
nothing viscious, but not nice spiritually

most pple are kind nice and funny though
but not connected to them entirely yet
it's like the fries and triple beef sandwich here
taste good
but mee rubus and laksa is special

time to sleep.
i sleep healthy here.
which means i'm sleepy and i get depressed when i'm sleepy.