of course, my dear watson, you forget that there may be other reasons.

your cover letter is crap/wrong/shit
your resume writing skills suck
you suck

many factors dear watson
that's why the game is challenging

so march on Watson!
Gambatte!
you no throw stones the bird no die

play on, conquer! and go on to the next round!

yvonne number 1 to yvonne number 2: you're scary.
yvonne number 2 to yvonne number 1: uh-uh
yvonne number 1 to yvonne number 2: yes too
yvonne number 2 to yvonne number 1: no too
yvonne number 1 to yvonne number 2: yes too
yvonne number 3: oh will the both of you just shut up! who the hell is watson?
yvonne number 956: I am.

ahhhh....i see the problem.

after an advert the company gets 2 million emails a day. leaving me a one in 28 million chance of being read.

tis a hard game to play.

i could send them hard copies.
i could deliver them myself.
i could send to the HR manager's house.
i could paste it on his front door with a pig's head.
i can paste stickers on his car.
i can print the resume on a shirt and wear it around raffles place.
i can hold posters and walk ard raffles palce.
i can advertise myself. (hey this sounds reasonable. oh wait but job seekers not employers read the Times)

tis a hard game to play.

spam tastes good, but the rules are now bent.

takes insanity to play this game
so insanity it shall be

think my dear watson, think.

what is life if it is not a game.

this is yvonne high on drugs. commonly disguised as caffiene.

planned to do so much today. but slept thru them all.

pretty draggy going to school to collect the gown. Thought it'd be a fast pick up but spent 2 hours there in the end. quite stressful due to the semi-chaos, pple everywhere, booths/tables everywhere, counter pple talking in a barely audible express tone.

not really looking forward to commencement. queuing for hours to get a scroll. shaking hands and smiling with the boss whom i've never seen. smiling at the cameras. taking pictures everywhere in the gown, more smiling. seems quite lame.

managed to squeeze in half hr of unicycling before it got too dark. jia you jia you.

the blackout was quite exciting. Mom was changing and thought i switched off the toilet lights. Maid was bathing. My first thought was there's a trip again(!?), followed by "it wasn't me!". Anyhow we soon realised the entire neighbourhood was out too. it was a nice sight seeing the neighbours wandering outside on the road with torches. It was so quiet without all the noise from the TV, fans etc that we could hear our neighbours talking in their houses.

Out came all the torches and candles. My parents have a huge collection of torches, many accumulated from years of NDP celebrations. So many different sizes and different colored beams. And only a few actually worked.

The nightsky was nice outside. Quite enjoyable wandering around. Without power the atmosphere had a different feel. Very peaceful.

takes a power failure to make me realise the things i take for granted. one thing that hit me after the excitement died down was absolute boredom. Suddenly there's no TV, no internet, no radio, can't read, can't bathe. The only activity left is sitting in front of the candle wondering what to do next. I started analyzing the flame. Is a flame a gas? it's definitely not solid or liquid. How does it work? Like is it burning the wax or the wick? I suppose the wax fuels it but you know..like how. How does the flame become so stable. what is the flame really?

The other unbearable component of the power failure is the heat. it was so hot. Bless the fans and air cons of the world. I can probably live without the air con, not as tai tai as that, but without the fan it's pretty hard. I was contemplating taking out my lighted juggling equipment out to play (what other better occasion than this!) but the heat stopped me. I wasn't gonna do anything that generates heat.

so we all just sat around the candle in the living room stoning, with me fanning myself with the newspapers. Brought me back to the olden days. Went to the chinatown heritage museum a few weeks back and they had exhibits of how the pple there lived years ago. I think it's something similar. It must be really hot then too, and there're just sitting around dim lamps fanning themselves and stoning.

my gown is extra small, and my mortar board is extra large. Am I Madam Big head or what.

not quite so bad a day today.

the day began eventfully enough. was supposed to go with weips to seek out the acting class co-ordinator. Anyway it ended up with me at home and weips in orchard and me guiding her using the online street directory. I was her GPS operator. We machiam James Bond and er...Michelle Yeoh?

so i guided weips to what i thought was an office building, but it turned out to be a condo. Weips checked out the unit and spoke to the maid, whose M'dam was an indian lady. Problem is the person liasing with us was supposed to be a caucasian lady.

"Miss M certainly doesn't sound like Miss A!"
"Maybe Miss M is the code name for Miss A..."
"maybe Miss M, Miss A and the instructor are all the same pple....maybe it's the maid!"

it's all very strange. highly secretive operation. Weips said the theatre group isn't listed in yellow pages, and i can't find it either on the singapore theatre online directory. so weird. :o)

unicycling didn't go too badly. finally had portable support so could use the back lane for the first time. the front porch was so scary yesterday because the floor is uneven. or maybe today was better because it followed up yesterday's practice.

i had a totally irrational fear of the half cycle pedal with my weaker foot. got more used to it after a while. things seem to be looking up. hopefully if i keep at it i'll fly soon.

the problem with the back lane is that there are pple walking around sometimes. and i'm dun exactly look glamourous sitting on a unicycle, face twisted with fear, left hand mop pole right hand bamboo pole. To add to my konica pic sometimes there are a few kids whizzing past me with their skate scooters.

there's a stretch with dog poo at the side. so i had to be REALLY careful not to fall off else either me or my unicycle will be in deep shit.

many thanks to huiying for very meaningfully finding out my hobbit name. Lara Gamgee-Took of Bywater. is that "gum-gee took" or "jarm-jee took"? "Gum-gee took" sounds nicer i think.

Weiping left it to me to sign up for acting for both of us and i put her in as Melodious. Haha...that was a blast. imagine the instructor calling her Melodious for 7 weeks. "Melodious could you please act out the next scene" "Melodious are you here?" "Melodious?"

no football for a couple of days. time to do worthwhile things. i'm geared.

stop complaining. stop moaning. stop analysing.

do your part and leave what you can't control alone. i haven't done my part, hands up i'm guilty of that charge.

just do it.

i'm a schizo.
(which isn't really the right term, contrary to popular usage. the right disorder is multiple personality disorder, commony known as split personality disorder.)

i'm also obnoxious and full of shit.

"....you wake up and you have no idea what is going to happen today, tomorrow, 6 months or a year later. Ironically, because of this uncertainty, all possibilities exist for you. You can be the Prime Minister of Singapore, you can make a movie, you can cook a meal you have never cooked before, eat at a place you have never eaten before, you can color your hair red, you can skip instead of walk, you can volunteer at the school you have always wanted to volunteer at, you can write a book, or you can have a baby even though you don't have a maid. You have conversations with people who set your heart palpitating and your mind on fire. Your weekday is not so different from your weekend because everyday you are thinking, creating, and more important, imagining."
~Colin Goh's wife, Jocelyn

it's easy for me to feel sad and loserish these days. all i need to do is try to ride the unicycle.

i have to learn the uni i have to learn the uni. it's the basics of a performer. there's a demand and almost zero supply.

it isn't that dangerous, and scores of pple have learnt it. somehow this fact has gone from motivation to depression.

Just figured out a new way to learn this evening. unicycled holding two poles. one is my trusty mop pole (yet another use for it!) and the other is a bamboo pole. it probably looks very dumb, me "cycling" but really just "walking" around with the poles. I hope this helps to build my confidence and soon i'll be able to fly. maybe. *wish wish*

pole balancing is going well. need more practice but not so frustrating anymore.

unicycling is just so damn scary. shit.

weiping and i may be signing up for an acting course. It might well turn out to be a waste of money just like shorthand, jap, kickboxing and hip hop (for me). that's our main apprehension.

"remember how we absolutely dragged ourselves down to finish up our kickboxing classes? I bet next time we'll be saying 'remember how we dragged ourselves to finish acting'"

"ya man, somemore for acting we can't really just go through the motions. We'll be acting with sian faces!"

not sure whether it'll be useful too. what if the only thing we learn is how to be still like a rock and sway like a tree?

"what if the teacher specialises in tragedy? By the 5th week we'll be depressed and suicidal!"
"worse, what is she specialises in ROMANCE?"

at $300 it doesn't come cheap. especially when i'm unemployed. blardy hell.

taking charge of my accounts now. took my bank book from my dad so he can't put pocket money in anymore. it makes me feel less guilty. not that it makes me less guilty. think it makes me more mature too. now there's a limit to how much i can spend, and by hook or by crook i need to generate some money. As Rich Dad says, "dun say you can't afford it. ask how you can afford it".

i'm actually pretty excited abt the acting class. (hope the enthusiasm stays for 7 weeks). not broke yet but the finances issue is starting to be worrying. the uncertainty of job finding annoys me. i need a job i think. and yet i can think of so many things much more fun than finding a "proper" job. bet after, whenever, i find a "proper" job i'll be able to think of many things more fun than working.

dun mean fun like frivolous fun. Fun like deep setting satisfaction and rewarding. Life is trying to tell me something, but yvonne's too chicken to listen. just ask the unicycle.

So many things to do. some proper. some not. guess which one i'm more excited about.

football's ending. then i can screw my sleep cycle back. then i can think straight. and do the right thing.

I dun think i'm good enough. that's a problem. I'm not a gd performer, i'm not a gd engineer. oh oh i sound depress. confidence crisis. time to scoot.

just realised that from tues to sat i took the same bus home everyday. many routes to my home that's why the previous phenomenon warrants a mention.

went for haircut on thurs. it was a quick trim so quick that i couldn't see a difference. requested her to chop off more of my locks.

"trim means one inch ah. (shows imaginary inch with fingers) more inches means cut, not trim"

yes m'dam. dun think she was very happy with my request since she's already blown and combed my hair nicely. it's to take up more time i think, to make my money worthwhile since the trim was really quick. fast fingers.

went down to bugis after that to my fav shop. i find their clothes realy nice. one of the blouses i bought there even got the attention of the pau auntie in the coffeeshop outside. she said the blouse was pretty and added that she might get one herself. still figuring out whether to take it as a compliment or not. Mom had a field day with the line "wah your blouse so nice the pau auntie wants to wear it too!"

anyway the stuff in the shop on sale now. but the stuff inside also like not so nice liao. wonder if they kept the nice ones to sell off the others on sale. but it really is cheap though. still got some nice ones. got fleeced the last time i shopped there.

met up with mom after finishing with my shopping. we were supposed to shop somewhere else and have dinner and head home. well after 5 min of browsing she was like "there's nothing here let's go bugis junction" and she headed to my fav shop which i just spent the whole afternoon in!! the salesgirls there must think i'm the shop's biggest fan.

friday was spent juggling as usual. min jiang called me at 2 plus and i answered sleepily. haha. paisei sia. did lots of passing yesterday. the 3 piece puzzle, one count passing, and finally turbo. Jojo tried teaching us a simpler change feeder pattern but it's not as visually pleasing. so Jojo, siyong and I spent ages figuring out Turbo until we totally collapsed of fatigue. Turbo involves walking around so hands tired legs tired everything tired. that was only 4 count turbo too. wait till we do 2 count Turbo.

oh yeah Jojo and i tried double triple and 7 clubs. it was a disaster but one day we'll get it.
(turned out Jojo took some WJD pics of me. haha. good shots too. he got me in a mask and in my cheongsam)

went for a gig today. wasn't too grand i'm a little out of touch with mingling. too little gigs.
it was quite strange too cos there were stage performances in both ballrooms and we were not to juggle when there were performances. so most of the time we were stuck between 2 ballrooms entertaining no one.

there were a few kids though. one was a natural. He learned the diabolo and club kick up. haha. and he looked like chen lei in his costume. very cute. i got him to join us and i think he entertained the adults more than us.

i need to be more professional. i need more practice.

oh and i met Sha En there too. she was the Samsui Woman! hahahahaah... we haven't kept in touch for ages and we met while i was a clown and she's a samsui woman. hilarious.

minjiang and i went for cheese prata and dinosaur after the gig. i thought the shop was overrated and overpriced. Fong Seng is over priced, but at least the nasi lemak is really something. The cheese prata isn't that fantastic, and it was SMALL for its price. min jiang said the prata at bedok is nicer and cheaper. thumbs down for the legendary cheese prata shop and its dinosaur. ok tasting but way overpriced.

so we ate until i missed the last 151. gd thing we managed to catch the very very last bus leaving nus else we'd be stranded.

dutch and sweden drew full time. i like both teams. just a bit more on sweden's side. like it a tad bit more.

england got knocked out on penalties. hahahaha. it was a really gd match. epic. i wanted england to lose but it really is cruel to get knocked out that way. somemore the goalkeeper scored the killer goal. hahaha. so funny. england always so loser.

croatia knocked out france too. didn't really watch that. i was asleep most of the time. (it was the night of the Turbo). one of the few euro matches i missed. one of the even fewer i missed cos i was asleep.

back to football. both teams evenly matched. swedish goalkeeper a bit error prone. maybe it'll go to penalties again.

sweden and denmark drew 2-2. haha. last minute goal somemore. Italy also won bulgaria by a last min goal but still got kicked out.

woke up pretty late again today. sleeping a lot is a sign of depression. depressed i am not, bored maybe. nothing to do so sleep in. a true waste of time. shld get my butt out and do something.

met up with weiping today to watch comedy night. true to our nature we had to play hide and seek at the mrt station and not just meet like normal pple. turned out i was the only one playing the game cos weips was somewhere shopping in mango oblivious that i was looking in every nook and corner of the mrt station. Find weips i did not, in the end i found Gail!

comedy night was held at Long Bar but it obviously wasn't long enough to hold the horde of pple that snaked all ard the corridor. hundreds of pple is a conservative estimate. so no comedy night for us.

the night went pretty well though. we basically just walked and talk and sat and talked and ate and talked somemore. the weips of RGS is truly back! we got all excited planning the stuff we're gonna do with the free time we have. hanging out with weips is an excellent way to take the guilt of unemployment away. for one we're in the same boat and she shares all my exact sentiments. for two she makes it sound like it's all okay.

met a cute guy today on the way home. kekekeke. he was asking for directions to centro, and after we parted ways, turned out we both went to the neighboring hotel to use the loo and we met outside at the bus stop again. had a quick chat and my blardy bus came. was wondering whether i shld skip the bus and take the next one but that'd might be a bit silly so i bid a hasty goodbye. bummer. haha. interestingly in the loo i was thinking (abrupt thought. was in a gd post-weips mood.) it's good to help others and something good will happen out of helpfulness one day. not that anything "good" happened. haha.

it's one of those days i feel grateful for the pple i have ard me. it's also one of the rare days germany plays attacking and interesting football.

everytime i watch sean mckinney's video i feel like crying. what a nice tribute video.

did some juggling today before heading to jeremy's show. time passed very quickly somehow. we were almost dragging ourselves out of the underpass, forcing ourselves to stop.

managed to do 441 and shower with clubs. yipee! watching videos does help, wires up the mental channels somehow. also did the vova olga duo cascade thingy and the ghandini box effect with minjiang.

met koah fong with his daughter during dinner. everytime one of us jugglers sees his daughter we'd be asking him if he teaches her juggling. he's the godfather of juggling after all. apparantly she's not the least bit interested or fascinated. KF said she's gonna grow up thinking everyone, or at least everyone's dads, can juggle. haha.

2nd time i've been to Jubilee Hall. first time was some RJ musical that steph was in i think. this time i took note of the hall interior. not bad, interesting. must cost a bomb to book though, like all things associated with Raffles. it was pretty weird sitting in the hall full of magicians. it was like the convention in the Witches. somehow i associate sly, cunning and hao lian with magicians. just a very negative feel.

they were all dressed very smartly. it's a magician thing to dress and act smart. half of our row was filled with jugglers. which means you'll find large equipment bags and very casual dressing in our row. siyong very observantly noticed that he was the most under dressed with his sleeveless shirt and berms.

the show was alright. jeremy did his usual gigs, with some talking in between. it was alright but not wow. putting aside my slight disdain for illusion prop stage magic, i just felt that the show was a little amatuerish. but i can't really put my finger on why. it was okaay, nothing went wrong, and apparantly he's one of the best magicians in s'pore. maybe it's the "ang moh is always better" syndrome. or maybe his routines are just not slick enough, a bit obiang with all the glitter and the dancing was cheesy. besides i never liked stage prop magic, it's expensive and fail proof. all cash and no brawn/brain.

I liked Nique's (why do pple like to "misspell" names?) routine. it was really good. for one thing it was totally sleigh of hand, which required a lot of skill. He was fast, slick and with the accompanying solo guitar soundtrack the whole thing fitted well together. Jeremy's end routine was memorable too. Slow music, talk a bit of yourself, a bit touching. but then it went back to obiangness so leave that part out.

siyong, min jiang, boon teck and I were still in our seats after everyone (except jeremy and his helpers clearing the stage) has left. we were just sitting there nua-ing, discussing abt the show, discussing abt setting up a juggling show, where to do it, how to do it, who will watch, how much it will cost.

"pple must be thinking we're so stunned by the magic we dun want to leave"
"either stunned or fall asleep liao"
"we're waiting for the 3rd half to start. this is interval ma."
"our tickets free one we still bu she de zou!"

daisy and jeremy went out, shook hands and mingled with everyone, came back and we're still there. haha. He had to politely take pics with us (we're still just sitting there) and invite us for his post show party. we finally left an hour after the show, before they shut the lights and doors.

i think one of the reasons for our inertia is that we wanted to juggle on the stage, but we didn't dare to lest we crack the lights or floors. so we're just waiting for everyone to clear out so we can juggle sneakily. we're like "those kids can run to stage and play with the glitter, i think we can go to the stage and juggle right" in a bid to rationalise our somewhat improper behavior.

a juggling show will be cool. thing is we need a show first. even if we have a gd show we may not have an audience. so that's next. who's gonna watch. will they be willing to pay. what's our budget and can it be recouped. are we aiming for the show to make profits. are we aiming to make a reasonable amt for each performer (thereby restricting the number of performers).

i would love to put up a show someday. not necessarily juggling. just some show.

right now i'm putting my sights on building my portfolio. edit a promo video, set up a website.

busk more. clear my room. apply jobs. repair the computer.

so many irrelevant things to do.

losing weight might be nice too. been eating and sleeping too much.

denmark and sweden playing now. i hope they end 2-2. that'll kick the sore losers italy out.

weips back. all is good. according to steph she's the funny one and i'm the weird one, making us a potent combination. :o) hope she hasn't grown up too much.

slept so much today. ate so much today. the only 3 other activities i did were watch tv, read papers and (try to) trace the source of the power trip.

been feeling tired. wonder if that's the side effect of long term late night sleeping. it can't be good.

massive father's day dinner today. had fish head curry again. chinese style fish head curry is quite sweet, pales in comparison to indian style. if that's the usual standard of curry then it's no wonder muthu's so famous.

i'm hooked on paradise hotel. darn. started watching during the exam period where everything was good compared to studying. Paradise hotel is pretty cool compared to survivor, because they allowed the contestants to become friends before elimination. So we get to see all the cliquish behaviors, the outcasts, the bullies etc. Some of them were so bitter and childish it's incredible.

Boom boom. job searching is bad for the ego. on the lookout for more booms.

"if you think you're good, remember there's always someone better than you. If you think you're bad, there's always someone worse."
~Mrs Ban

i'm tired. thought napping from 9pm to 1.30am is enough sleep for the day. trying to screw my sleep pattern back but euro's ruining it. not sleeping yet cos trying to enjoy the night. feeling very at peace now and the radio sounds good so let's keep this feeling for a while.

today was exhausting. i managed to break the record of my most exhausting day in recent times (previous winner was the 9am badminton session with xiwen followed by afternoon of huan dao zhui zhui zhui with nick). could barely eat dinner but mom insisted ("cook so much you dun want to eat!"). went to deep sleep immediately after dinner....total brain shut down. the last sentence i heard was from mom (again). "eat then sleep bu fei cai guai......" sigh.

spent the whole of yesterday planning for WJD. coming up with 2 routines is crazy. i barely had time to plan and rehearse for one. the logistics of 2 routines is insane too, in the end i had to carry a huge luggage bag, a backpack and one trusty mop pole all the way to pasir ris. and the routines are only like 4 min each!

so many ideas popped up yesterday. ideas were just jumping out from nowhere while i sat daydreaming in the coffee shop (the kopi lady even asked if i wanted another teh). a pity i couldn't implement them though. the southpark routine was somewhere there but missing a spark, just needed a bit more inspiration to fit it together, but in the end ran out of time and was too tired to be inspired. the water bomb routine (in which min jiang was kind enough to agree when i asked him to be my victim...haha. i was planning to juggle water bombs over a "volunteer". practised abit yesterday it was disastrous. flooded the whole gate area.) was alright but the preparation's gonna kill me so i snuffed it first.

so that's how i spent friday, busy and inspired but for no real meaning nor purpose. locked up in my room (in case someone stumbles in when i'm trying something weird) just editing songs and juggling and packing from 11pm to 7am.

had to wake up at 9.30 am somemore.

i was silly enough to sign up for almost every competition today. i was in 7 out of 8 events with one in-between event performance. it was just for fun and i figured it wouldn't be THAT tiring. well after the first competition my arms were already feeling it and my leg was cramping.

robert swept all the competitions today. he's simply in another class, another realm. where he comes from pple do 6 ball shower endurance. His 5 ball cascade record is 7 min while sheng hau's, singapore's only hope besides john, is 3 min. it would have been great to see john, robert and SH square up but it was not to be.

dun regret signing up even though i stand squat chance (my 4 club run was horrible). it motivated me to train up my 5 balls and 4 clubs and 3 in 1 hand.

asked alfred to be my volunteer for my knife routine. he agreed without knowing what he's in for. haha. i told him all he needed to do was to lie down. after the routine he was flabbergasted.
"you bought knives!? wah somemore your knives all nicely wrapped you used them for the first time over me?"
"no la, er, 2nd time. my first time was over another guy voulunteer, i think he's more poor thing haha."

the 3 in 1 hand competition only had 4 contestants. Kf clocked 5.6 sec, i clocked 5.3, minjinag prob more. robert went last. i dun what his time was, just that while the rest of the contestants were all already resting and buying/eating lunch, robert was still on stage juggling away.

after the WJD event wrapped up, there was a performance by 2 causasian circus ladies and they did juggling too! that was so awkward, haha. we're like "you yan bu zhi tai shan", performing our low standard juggling while the experts were just there. it must be pretty awkward for them too i think, to juggle after all the juggling hype.

while they performed the crowd grew to bigger than what we ever got. i was discussing with bin bin why foreigners always draw crowds. "must be the hair color" "nah, maybe skin color" "it's the amount of skin exposure la, she's wearing a bra top."

i got 2nd for 3 ball endurance (guess who got first) and open routine. my performance was the original knife routine and for the open routine i used the Discovery show routine, with the song modified.

quite disappointed with myself for not coming up with something new. i left it too late to plan.

also disappointing was my open routine. didn't rehearse and warm up enough, in the end i dropped everything i was gonna juggle. i think i got 2nd more on originality and stuff more than credibility. which isn't grand. a bit like sympathy points. :o(

i thought my knife routine was more well received by the audience. the open routine didn't seem to draw any laughs, but some pple said they liked it better. hmm....

Robert said he liked my knife routine...haha....what an endorsement! he said i managed to draw the crowd and they were still there at the end after i finished. yay! and all i did was the cascade! :o)

after the event i stayed behind and did club passing with jojo, KF and siyong. i was completely out of strength at 5 plus, it was just too much activity for a day and too little sleep.

practised doubles passing with jojo. if all goes well we may start on 7 sometime. :)

Jojo's from germany, and i've only seen him in casual wear lugging his unicycle around. chatted with him today and he sounds like he's quite a high level executive. the company sent him here and all his expenses (housing, transport etc) are paid for and he has a secretary etc. like wow. can't really imagine him in a grim prim proper biz suit. he has that friendly school teacher sort of feel.

anyway jojo's cool. very friendly, laughs easily, funny comments. his standard of juggling is not as high as other foreigners that came by but that just makes him more comfortable to juggle with, i dun feel like i'm boring him.

my 90 cents mop pole has more uses than i ever imagined. bought it originally to balance on my head. then i used it for staff twirling. then i impulsively screwed a suction cup on and it became a stand! or a very long plunger. if i stick in a comb too it becomes a fake mike stand.

trying to juggle with the stand too. spent the whole night yesterday experimenting with it.

funny how a 90 cents toy can keep me so occupied. the simplest toys are perhaps the most fun cos half the time it's your imagination you're playing with.

my dad was quite astonished i actually carried the amusingly long plunger (mop pole with cup) on the trains and buses together with my luggage and backpack. he said i looked like a drain cleaner. at pasir ris i thought i looked like a kiasu resort stayer with a phobia of the toilet choking.

xiwen must be glad she wasn't with me then. haha. whenever she meets me i'm always doing some juggling thingy so i'll be lugging huge equipment bags and sometimes the radio. very uncool. haha. to make matters worse for her she has to help me carry somemore. haha. wonder how she'll react to carrying the mop pole.

okie off to sleep. the blardy alarm blasted unexpectedly and shocked me so i'm alert again. it's been the end of a stressful busy but inconsequential week, i feel like i just finished exams.

applying for jobs is a full time job in itself. spent the entire week from monday doing some serious applying. like cooped 24/7 in the room sitting in my very non-ergonomical chair in front of the very non-ergonomical laptop sort of serious.

i think i'm obsessed. haha.

last week i was obsessed with juggling, this week i haven't gone for juggling at all. It's horrendous timing, sat being WJD. I have no clue what i'm gonna do. shit. shld have done it the other way round, apply obsessively then juggle obsessively while i wait. oh well.

i realised i didn't even apply that many, given the time i spent on my new hobby. Lots of time spent digging out vacancies and checking out the companies and each application done with tender loving care. haha.

i dun even mind spending all this time and effort if i know it's gonna be rewarded. like schoolwork you know, sometimes the research comes to nothing but the sup knows you're working hard and that's what matters. besides even if the research comes to nothing at least we gain the knowledge that this method doesn't work. Job application sucks because for all the effort spent it might just be chucked in the blue plastic wastepaper basket in the left corner of the office. gain nothing from the effort, waste paper and ink somemore.

oh well. maybe it's better to mass spam, the reach may be more effective. but my perfectionist streak disallows it.....

tmrw's friday!! darn darn....WJD is on saturday. jialat.

french and croatia quite entertaining. of all matches TV3 skipped the england one. spent the time going back to applying. (it really is an obsession!)

2 more to go. then will concentrate on coming up with something decent for WJD. then of course another copy of Recruit comes out on sat and the cycle continues......

the combination of bread and cheese and sausage is heavenly. Especially when the sausage is hot and the cheese melts on it. ahhhhhh.......

no worries i'm not binging at 5.30am. that's what i had for lunch...ahhh heavenly.....calories also heavenly......

2 more to go 2 more to go.

it's late. i'm hungry. a part of me actually staying up for breakfast, which i know i'll get too tired for and i'll end up sleeping till noon again.

holland and germany were pretty good. open play, that's entertaining football, not the rubbish england and italy gave us.

regarding the juggling vs magic topic, one thing i really appreciate abt jugglers is that there is openess about it. Everyone will gladly teach anyone any trick anyone wants to know. Apparantly that's not common in the past, jugglers tend to keep tricks to themselves. but now it's out and open. and the best part is that by sharing, it doesn't mean the other person will automatically get to the same standard or be better than you, because the tough tricks take much time and effort to master. and if you're willing to put in the effort, everyone will congratulate you instead of being jealous or threatened. meritocracy and transparency.

try learning something from magicians. they have what brotherhood of magicians and stuff where you must register and prove that you are a serious magician and what not in order to join. might as well drink blood and take vows too. oh actually maybe they do take vows...vows of secrecy or something. the rich get richer by investing in more spectacular equipment and research while the poor sits green eyed in the audience and says "i can do that if i have the money".

it's slam the magicians night. :o)

the spirit of sharing. Competitiveness doesn't mean one has to start sabotaging everyone to be the top. it shld be abt "I hope you do well, just that I wanna do better" rather than "i hope everyone does badly so i can shine." the former view sets a high standard and challenges yourself to up the ante while the latter view depresses the standard so that mediocrity can shine.

back to doing proper stuff. at 6am.

strange facts:

1) companies require (or at least the unwritten rule is) personalized customized cover letters to be sent to them, otherwise it "reflects badly on you as you have not put in personal effort in your job search".

why would pple put in effort and personalize mail when half the time the companies won't acknowledge or reply?

2) magicians are crock. the magician and his assistant always put up a nice dance, with the mandatory serious "i've got ants in my pants, it's very itchy but i can't scratch" face, and then the assistant proceeds to disappear/get cut up/mauled in some chunky device.

isn't it strange how the magician gets the applause and credit when the assistant does all the work? she's the poor one squeezing into tiny spaces and racing against time while the mighty magician continues his serious dance with his "ants in my pants" face and periodically slides boxes/sticks swords into holes.

there's a crock david blaine copycat chinese/taiwanese show on channel 8 now. the 2 magicians in the show aren't even charasmatic...they look like conmen. shit.

there are some magic tricks like sleight of hand and levitation etc that do require skill to perfect the deception, and these are worth appreciating. Although half the time the audience wouldn't be thinking "wow your deception skills are cool!" they'd be thinking "how did he do that?" or worse still "he knows black magic!"

those self working tricks are crock though. really crock. you need no real skills, just bags of money to buy the idiot proof equipment which will take skill only to cock up.

most magicians i see are guys who think and act like they're really cool. ???????!!!!!!

you get pleasure from deceiving pple?

i dun.

i get pleasure from pple acknowledging the hard work i've put in to learn the trick, not from pple bugging me on "how did you do that?" so that i can feel i'm superior because i know something you don't.

i'm in a grumpy and judgmental mood.

long quote of the day:

"..jugglers show openly and honestly what they can do. Magicians do precisely the opposite. What they offer out front is something completely different from what they're really doing behind their backs or up their sleeves. Jugglers cannot lie, magicians have to lie. Otherwise they'd give the game away. They have no choice.

But what kind of people are they, who choose an art form that consists in bending the truth.

What kind of person does it take to say “Look at this completely empty top hat” when they know damn well the hat contains not only a family of rabbits but also three Indian elephants and a large round table at which twelve retired Dutch cotton-pickers with pained expressions (caused by ingrowing toenails) are in the process of devouring a portion of Tiramisu? "
~~forum letter in Kascade magazine

10 reasons why i shld not/cannot wake up in the morning:

1) i'm incoherent (so dun bother if i dun make sense)

2) my alarm clocks run on electricity so when the power trips i have no inkling of time

3) the one and only alarm clock that runs on battery has run out of just enough battery power such that it still runs but there's no alarm

4) when event (2) and (3) occurs i rely on my biological alarm that only rings at 3pm

5) however when event (2) occurs, event (4) will get overwritten by event (6). making me wonder what event (5) is.

6) mom wakes the whole house (technically only me since everyone else is up already) to trace the source of the power trip

7) during the process of checking the whole house i stumbled upon the cucumber i left in the fridge upstairs.

8) since it's been there for almost half a year i expected to see cucumber corpse.

9) cucumber corpse has become liquid cucumber. (oh i'm still grossed out...*shiver*)

10) i am gonna overshoot 10 reasons.

11) making coffee in the night is so much easier because no one kapos the blardy scissors.

12) without the blardy scissors, one cannot be expected to open a packet of coffee without bursting it and pouring coffee powder all over oneself.

13) the physics of nature states that when you pour 3-in-1 coffee powder on yourself, the sugar power will land on you first due to their sweet nature. Therefore whatever powder left in the packet (and eventually your cup) will be bloody bitter coffee. and whatever landed on you and the table will attract a million ants. the power of sharing.

14) the above is all true and happened within 2 hrs of me waking this morning. Summarized highlights: power trip, cucumber power juice (*shiver*), coffee shower of blessing

it must be celebration of the klutz day.

this just popped up in my incoherent mind so i'm gonna jab this in out of nowhere. Lin xin and family are wonderful painters and artists. her entire family is in the medical field (as in doctors, not machiam nurses) so it's quite amazing that they have artistic flair as well. They just paint and draw as a hobby, but their works sure look good.

angie can sing and write songs (i think). musical flair. she's into fashion too.

doctors/artists, lawyers/musicians...cool.

rec.juggling has some nice threads. there's a video of a (very scary looking to me) female clown trying to juggle. it's been bestowed the title of worst video ever. there's also a video of a fire juggler burning up the carpet of the room he was performing in.

i'm having psychological illusions (what other kind of illusions can there be?) of ants on my body. blardy coffee.

someone ate the straits times today. must be england fan. can't find it anywhere...

i maligned channel 5. they will be showing euro 2004 after all but only quarter finals onwards. so there's hope for "down with cable" fans. TV3 shows all the late night matches i think, earth to malaysia. they'll be showing all the exciting ones and england ones at least...earth to malaysians. last resort is to tune in to bbc online radio broadcast.

gd thing didn't follow italy vs denmark. 0-0. italy is BORING. FIFA shld impose a only 5 pple of the defending team is allowed in their penalty box rule. sweden vs bulgaria was surprisingly entertaining. wasn't even paying attention to it. 5-0. sweden was lively. hope they kick italy out.

germany vs holland tonight. cool. euro is taking over me....

ah yess i'm back.

am i still gonna talk abt football?

heck why not. was just thinking the pple who bet on 1-0 to england are probably having sleepless nights worse than mine.

watching a tribute video to sean mckinney. Young lad, good juggler, committed suicide. the soundtrack to the video is really good. watching him juggle, with the accompaniant soundtrack, and knowing that he committed suicide...it's all pretty sad.

apparantly he was down with bipolar disorder, commonly known as maniac-depression. Patients of this disorder get extreme highs, where they think and act like they are at the top of the world, where they are capable of achieving anything, and usually at this stage they're at their charming and artistic best. But with the highs come the extreme lows, where suicide is actually a path of lesser pain compared to their extreme anguish.
(facts courtesy of juggling forums and my Abnormal Pyschology module)

question: would you accept the pains of the lows to get the feeling of extreme highs?

tough one. steph stumped me with something similar a long time ago. she asked if buddhism is abt calmness and living in 'moderation', where happiness and sadness are viewed in perspective.

"yup" (right?)

"but why would you want to live in 'calmness'", she put it to me, "without sadness we wouldn't know what's happiness."

couldn't answer that. she's right in a sense. we just might live life fuller by embracing our emotions.

it must be such a thrill being on an extreme high. imagine feeling like you can conquer anything, and actually conquering them cos you believe it to be so.

wow.

but then comes the low.

it's like the Devil in disguise....

i think strange thoughts in strange hours....

hahahahahaha....what a funny game.....hahahahahahahaah

England led 1-0 for 90 min and then lost 2-1 to France in the 91st and 93rd min! hahhahaahahah....

first up, for once i'm explicitly thankful for the existence of malaysia. TV3 showed the match nice and clear as opposed to the indonesian channel that had triple vision (so the field looks damn crowded with 75 pple..can hardly see the ball).

listening to bbc's live commentary..they are still harping on abt how silvestre shld be sent off and they shld be 2-0 up. they conveniently forgot to mention neville's handball which might have been a penalty.

hahahahahah...i'm still gloating. Down to England! kekekekekeekek.

not an england hater, not exactly. but i despiesed..despeised...dispeised...darn how to spell this word....the way england played the game. defend defend defend...cram 10 player in the box...especially after they scored the goal from a set piece.

it must be lonely being an england striker. poor owen. he can sit down and drink tea in the french half.

to england's credit i think they got the tactics right. they crammed the middle and the french doesn't seem to know how to attack from the flanks.

david beckham's penalty got saved. hahahahah. justice is served.

zidane's free kick and penalty were fantastic. i was hoping for magic everytime he got the ball and he finally did it!

David trezeguetwhatshisname doesn't look very good. he scored the last euro goal in the finals but it seemed to have an element of luck. most of the strikers aren't very good really. rooney looks promising, although he behaved like a crook. Henry not bad too though he didn't make an impact on the game.

yes yes...moi shalt not live on tv and football.

hahahahahah. Go FRANCE! i like gentlemanly teams. Real Madrid is gentlemanly, Arsenal also not bad, the french were nice. These teams are usually so superiorly skilled they do not depend on dirty tactics or rough play. That's why they're such a joy to watch, truly just skills on display and played sportingly too. England tackle here tackle there, dun apologize, dun shake hands, quarrel with pple, deliberately waste time....disgusting. it's part and parcel of a normal game these days, and not normally condemned, but that's why teams that dun do that are especially commendable. Owen and Beckham are gentlemen though.

i still find it very funny. hahahahaah. the english fans were so happy and singing away and then 3 min from the end all kena stunned.

i didn't think man u deserved the champions league title when they scored so many goals in the dying minutes. that's just luck. adn i find it weird they like to flaunt it, just like how the singaporean reporters seem to think the Tiger Cup which singapore won was a big deal.

(Quick recap of the TIger CUP: at one stage the 2 strongest teams indonesia and thailand both tried to LOSE so that they will meet singapore. the consensus was that singapore was much easier to beat than anyone else. in the end both teams tried so hard to lose they got disqualified cos they were scoring own goals for fun. so 2 of the best teams got eliminated. Singapore won the final, by a single goal which bounced off the shoulder of a defender.)

it's so xia suay man. our only international title in years and it was under these circumstances. i'd rather forget we won that title, which again, was because the 2 fav teams got disqualified for trying to lose so that they can meet and beat the singapore team.

i digress. the pt is simply last min victories like this are normally flukes....but i'm so glad France got this fluke.

hahahahahhah. football. so funny.

moi shalt not live for tv and football.

just checked the tv schedule. looks like euro 2004 is gonna have minimal impact for me. the matches are all on CABLE TV! blardy blardy. can't blame channel 5 they dun have the budget to compete with the big boys. blame the blood suckers cable tv. gone are the days of fabulous international football...the seria A....the english premier league....hai......

can't even go to the nearest kopitiam cos the matches are like 2.35 am.....argh!

oh well..moi shalt not live for tv and football.....

that's one less trash to occupy me then.

think i ate too much. dang. i'm a couch potato without the couch and tv.

using 56k modem cos the broadband modem is upstairs. argh...painful. been spoilt on broadband...56k works as though my computer is crashing. maybe i shld use 56k more, then i'll spend less time online. no wait, with all this waiting i'll be spending the same amount of time online..just that i'll be reading less trash.

food review

went to try muthu's fish head curry today. Siyong and Jen said it's great and whenever i see tv programs on fish head curry Muthu's always get featured. On the other hand mom's colleague said it wasn't good and my parents dun think it's a big deal too. But tourists come from afar just to eat it (according to siyong the sultan of brunei comes over just for muthu) so at least must try once sia...since little india is kinda near.

verdict?

not too great. the curry is way too salty and it doesn't live up to its reputation. it was alright, edible, maybe 65/100 (mom gave it 35...haha). the other dishes that i tried wasn't that great too, probably just average. tandouri chicken and masala chicken were alright, the fish cutlet that looks like a potato thingy is quite gross, too much onions and other weird tasting substances. overall the food (esp curry) is quite disappointing given the hype and its legendary name.

what was great though was its staff and service. the restaurant itself is brand new and looks really nice, brightly lighted and bustling. it was a pleasant surprise since we were sort of expecting a mama stall (oops, racist ah racist).

(when my dad tried to call the waiter he started shouting "mama!" until my mom and i shushed him in horror..haha)

anyway the staff were friendly and extremely accomodating. when my dad called up to ask abt parking space they were like "yeah it's crowded on weekends but never mind just come we'll park for you". they close at 10pm but "never mind you order at 10 we'll wait for you to finish eating". when we didn't really know what dishes to order again it was "never mind come with me you point to what you want". haha. great service. and the waiters are more the bollywood-ish sort of indians, clean cut, english speaking, quite good looking, extremely polite. hao! :o)

price wise, it's not really that expensive. the lime juice was a bomb though, so ask for plain water instead. the rice and gravy is free-flow too, so theoretically you can get 10 pple there, order one small fish head, and everyone whack the gravy and rice and plain water.


final verdict: Just like pubbing, i wouldn't mind going back to muthu's if someone really wants to go, but i probably wouldn't initiate going back there. not gian anymore.

football review:

portugal is shit and overhyped. the match was pretty boring though i sat thru it. dunno if it's boring cos i outgrown football or cos i dun know any of the players.

anyway back to portugal. I was glad Deco and Ronaldo were put on in the 2nd half, wanted to watch them play and they did make a difference. Ronaldo is king of speed and gelek but his crosses are like shit. so he does a great deal breaking through on the left and then passes to no one. Figo is another overhyped king. I first saw him against England and he scored a stupendous goal, but sad to say that was the only thing he did worth remembering. i dun understand why pple say he's a great player. Even with Real although he's good at dribbling and running at defenders, he usually either runs with the ball until out of the field or passes to no one.

bye bye portugal.

England is also another overhyped team. can't wait for monday.

thinking of getting a temp job. hmm. after all we learn something from everything we do. (i bet i'll regret this statement when i really do get a temp job). hmmm...there's a tremendous time lag from applying to them reading your application then more lag till they call you up for interview then even longer sometimes eternal lag before they let you know whether you get the job. shld be enough time to fit a temp job in.

then again getting a temp means having less time to apply for real jobs which means prolonging the applying period and that might be detrimental. so maybe i'm better off spending the time intensively searching for a real job.

i think i juggle too much.

damn. last week i juggled like crazy cos lazer was in town. now and next week i'm gonna juggle a lot too cos WJD is next sat. hopefully after next sat i can scale down. oh but got gig next next sat. hmmmmm. looks like i'm never gonna scale down juggling......shld manage my time better....less time sleeping...less time surfing the net..... oh no Euro 2004 starts tmrw!

the bad/good part is that i'm actually enjoying myself with my current lifestyle. kkeekekeke. i mean, if i am tremendously bored then at least it'll give me some motivation to look for a job quickly. but it's so blissful now waking up late, then juggle/meet pple till late, then come back and surf the net/relax till even later. but a part of me knows that i'm able to do this cos i have no worries financially. which makes me kinda spolit.

tough.

i'm still not back in the groove of applying intensively yet. feel quite guilty abt it but applying for jobs is a tremendously dry activity.......spoilt spolit.

went to sentosa on wed night. it looked like a ghost town, pretty freaky. also saw the tree in The Tree (is that the name of the movie? the one with zoe tay, abt some haunted tree). it looks very grand but also very haunted, given the settings it was in (everywhere was dark, there's no one, bats flying...). it's probably the only tree in singapore with spotlights on it, ben pointed out.

met up with mr low and eugenia/regenia. both of them are so different. haha. Mr low is a busker himself and we built rapport with him pretty quickly, eugenia was more business like and set out the rules upfront straightaway. alfred was telling her money is not his main motivation in busking and she was like "that's cos your first level of Maslow's hierachy has been met". we were all stunned for a while, including alfred, who then regained composure and continued his banter. haha. it was really funny how we all got stunned for a split second. it wasn't cos we didn't know Maslow's hierachy, it was just very odd to abruptly throw in a statement like that.

the audition was very pro too, with a video camera to film us. i thot just need to show them a few balls can liao. oh well.

went to a buddhist FAQ talk yesterday. Buddhism is very very very CHIM, if you go in depth into it. There's a constant reference to body and mind, e.g. when you see something is it your eyes (body) looking at it or your mind. as if that's not already chim enough, the stage of enlightenment is beyond both body and mind.

it's like level 5000 philosophy. (if only Dr mark D'cruz was teaching buddhist philosophy i'll take refuge immediately! :) )

Brother Richard Chia was quite funny describing Zen, which is Japanese Buddhism. Zen is pretty high level buddhism, where "you can't even talk abt Zen, once you talk it's wrong already". so there's lots of koans (quizzes) to bring out how buddhist concepts are not something we can easily comprehend and grasp logically. like "what is your face before you were born?", "when you're chanting, who is the one chanting?".

"How to learn Zen when you cannot even talk abt Zen? Talk means wrong already," quipped Brother Chia with a cheeky grin.

there are some stuff he said which greatly surprised me because it coincided with some stuff i've thought of. like when he said "when you wait for the bus, angry also must wait, wait patiently and happily also must wait, so which one do you want to be?" everytime i'm late and waiting for the damn bus i've reminded myself of this exact question, but i forgot if i thought of it myself or i read it in some buddhist book.

and then he started talking abt overcoming fear by facing fear. his context all this while was fear abt death and supernatural beings, and i started thinking abt fear for cockroaches and as if on cue he said "if you fear cockroaches, the solution is to play with them."

big coincidence eh? oh well i'm not going to bring in "he can read my mind!" or "it's buddha's way of reaching to me!". i just think it's a pleasant coincidence. probably nothing more.

when the late great richard feynman's wife died he noticed that the bedside clock stopped at her time of death. but instead of thinking it's some supernatural event stopping the clock when she died he rationalised that the nurse probably just looked at the faulty clock and wrote the time down.

perceptions. so many ways of looking at things. he used to be a catholic i think as a boy until he accidentally witnessed some tree swaying phenomenon thingy which was historically described and taught to him in the books as "god's miracle". He figured out the science behind the phenomenon and realised a lot of the "miracles" are just due to lack of scientific understanding. think he became a freethinker after that.

i sometimes get paralysed before i fall asleep, the times when i'm very very tired especially during exam periods or nearing project deadlines. it's an extremely scary feeling..haha. the mind is awake (very positive it's not a nightmare) but i can't move my body at all, not even open my eyes. so there's an overwhelming sense of panic and the mind starts throwing out all the supernatural rubbish and I get even more frightened.

it also happened to another friend and he said it's because ghosts are sitting on him, and it happens when your bed is facing the door or sth. but then i heard on radio that this phenomenon is actually called sleep paralysis, where you're so tired your body falls asleep before your mind does. Usually our bodies are paralysed AFTER we sleep so that we dun run around. (Pple with inadequate paralysis start sleepwalking.)

so now it's not as frightening anymore. whenever i get sleep paralysis again, although it's still freaky, at least i know what's happening so i just patiently wait for the symptoms to go away.

yup. just an anecdote. the mind is a powerful thing.

i shld go for juggling...kinda late already. cirque du soliel's Dralion is astounding. i watched it at least 10 times already...mom doesn't understand what's so interesting abt it. hhaha. but it really is good. the music, the storyline, the artistry, the costumes...wow. Francis bunn (the one who thinks david copperfield is shit and looks like cow) thinks cirque is too commercialised and "if an artiste falls sick they'll just get someone else to replace him".
true...but i still think Cirque (especially Dralion) is the pinnacle of circus artistry. amazing.

shld go now. another "wasted" day with no job application. :)

quote of the day from yesterday:
"Avoid Evil. Do Good. Purify the Mind. That is the teaching of all Buddhas"
~Brother Riachard Chia

alrightee fixed the comment problem. if i ever change the template again all the comments will be wiped out though. :)

tired tired. i made myself bathe before one! haha. so proud of myself. was gonna surf net first but if i do that it'll be 3pm before i do anything else.

unicycling had a gd turnout today, maybe cos the reporters were there. and so was yeeling with her stilts. took me a while to get used to cycling again due to my 2 week absence and i wasn't that enthusiastic going there but it turned out to be a nice session.

i'm back to using the wall. haha. everytime huifang saw me she'd start screaming "yvonne why are you at the wall again!!??"

she was saying the only way you can really learn unicycling is to literally fall and get up until you stop falling. she's been thru it so maybe she's right, but i wanna try my way and see if it works. my way is to basically break down the skill into smaller steps, see what i need to work on and try it until i'm comfortable. when i'm quite confident cycling near the wall without using it i'll try veering out.

i would say her way is more like flashing 5 balls all the time until you get it one day, while my method is more like let's do 3 ball snake, 4 ball LLRR, work on these small patterns first then fit into 5 ball cascade. both methods work, depends on the individual's style. one works with small steps (less frustration but slower to learn) and one works on the big picture (more frustration, maybe faster).

maybe she's right though, for unicycling falling is the fastest way to learn. my way will take me months and years...haha. what to do, god cursed me with chicken shit courage. He made up for it by blessing me with persistence though, if it's gonna take me 10 years to ride the unicycle then so be it. the unicycle will probably rot way before that....oops.

right now fear overrides my impatience. heh. one day when i get really impatient i might try the falling method, either that or i sell the uni.

unicycling is pretty much a pyschological thing too really. the ability is easily picked up it's how gung ho you are to just take off. it's a nice tool to use to see someone's personality. haha. things i learnt abt myself: i'm risk adversed, but i'm patient and optimistic ("if i cycle 50 rounds every week one day i'll get it", "if i practise 100 throws a day one day i'll get the trick"). i like breaking things down into small steps, taking it one level at a time.

today was a gd unicycling day though. unlike previous sessions i wasn't that hot and tired and stressed. it was pretty fun zooming up and down the walls. improved from past sessions, more comfy now, the 2 week break was good. :) still a long way to go though, and usually after a gd session a bad one will come so beware....next week.

had pyschological boosts watching alice try the giraffe unicyle and others doing stilts and all. watching them makes me feel quite dumb for being scared of falling off my very very very short uni.

just learnt from boon teck that only min jiang and i are performing for WJD. hahahahah....shit. i thought many pple are performing so i perform for fun. shit. now i'm really not gonna get off the stage at all. i'll be on stage 3.5 hrs out of 4 hrs i think. oh dear. shit.

jolyon came down as well and started blasting michael jackson songs on his amp. he was playing the sax on his uni while ben started doing MJ's crotch grabbing moves on the uni. quite a sight. haha.

we started chatting a bit abt busking. apparantly clarke quay's contracted jolyon i think. min jiang has gotten really smooth with his routine too from all his busking. see where persistence gets you yvonne? gee i'm now embarassed to say i'm a persistent person.

busking is strange. it gets me all excited, then i get disillusioned and down and give it up completely, then i get excited again and the cycle goes on. but that's what interest/passion is abt i think, it's not abt being happy ever after. it brings you to the extremes of emotions and if you keep coming back to it after it gets you down then there's something abt it that captivates you.

right now i'm getting pretty excited at all these things happening ard me. haha. but i analyse and i think too much and i might just be setting myself up for disappointment.

i'm under no illusion that i'm a gd juggler/performer. i'm chicken shit. actually the standard in s'pore is not very high compared to europe and the states. there's jason garfield who doesn't tolerate chicken shit jugglers and there're all these fantastic multi talented performers around. oh well. the solution is to stop watching garfield. haha. i'll see what i can come up with. it's a bit like chinese isn't it. my vocab and grammer is chicken shit compared to most pple so i work on writing the weirdest stories in my compo, with simple chinese phrases. haha. i can't compete in terms of skills (though i'll try hard to improve and still keep it fun), only way is to find myself a niche.

see i'm setting myself up for disappointment already. get ready to burst the big "oh i'm just so creative" head of mine.

the wish list now: To emulate meiling's (not me ah) confidence and the way she carries herself, jolyon's enthusiasm and min jiang's relentless persistence. probably ben's genorosity too. all my heros. hahaha.

off to burn cds. sentosa guy gonna call tmrw. he's gonna hear the groggy me again.

oh yes, before i forget...for the millionth time, i'm job hunting! Not collecting and circling classified ads!!!! (personal reminder)

quote of the day:
"yvonne why are you at the wall again!!??"

oh yes let's write abt my nightmare before i forget.

i dreamt abt a cockroach flying abt in my room. a FLYING cockroach. that itself constitutes a nightmare. anyway so i was chasing it down (more like running away from it) around the room trying to whack it. and it flew into my hair!!!!!!!! arrrrrrghghgghghghghghghgh. and somehow in my dream i had the thickest bush of hair. i remember someone (a guy, but dunno who, it's a premonition of married life! hahaha) telling me the cockroach is as freaked out as i am getting stuck in my bush of hair.

i woke up while we were still trying to comb the blardy thing out. and even while awake i was still wondering if there's a cockroach in my hair. had to assure myself it was a nightmare.

it's the revenge of the cockroach i tell you. mom killed a cockroach yest in the living room (while extreme makeover was on. i live a traumatised life in the living room.) oh blardy hell.

there was another dream quite some time ago. i was in my grandparents' house and was chasing a cockroach into the bathroom, and when i got there there was a giant mega cockroach, like bigger than human sized. and the giant cockroach together with a fleet of normal sized cockroaches chased me to the living room.

there's a lizard in my bathroom. not a dream that's for real. probably added to my sub concious resulting in the flying cockroach dream. lizards are not scary though, since they can't fly. think mom dislikes lizards more than me. she's prob freaked out cos she crushed a lizard once opening the door (the lizard was at the hinge of the door). i didn't see it, good thing, she said it's gross. i saw a crushed cockroach at the storeroom door hinge though, cockroaches hate me dun they.

beetles fly, and i'm quite annoyed with them too. but not as scared of them, cos they flew onto me so many times. one time i was trying to sleep and one landed on my neck. i thought my brother threw scotchtape at me so i picked it up calmly and threw it back. freaked out when we realised it was a beetle (we were pri sch age). made so much noise screaming dad threw us both out of his room. hahahahahaha. that's funny. (back then we slept with our parents once in a while since there's aircon there and not in our room.)

yes another time the beetle flew onto my butt. like below my shorts onto my butt. the beetle kissed my ass! hahahahahah.

third time the beetle flew into my hair. i was in the kitchen so i suddenly freaked out waving my hair to my mom trying to get her to sweep the beetle off. and she was like "i know la, you colored your hair right?" thinking i was trying to show her my newly highlighted hair. it was pretty funny. for one thing my hair was highlighted ages ago, besides why would i suddenly get so agitated shaking my head and waving my hand and screaming away to show her my hair? the maid was also in the kitchen, she doesn't understand english so our little charade must look pretty weird to her.

insects.

killed a dragonfly once when i was 5 cos i ran down the stairs with my hands on the rail and the dragonfly was on the rail. almost wanted to disown my hand.

giant grasshoppers hopped into my room in NUS (on the 9th flr!) and another one in my room in the house. spent the whole night chasing the grasshopper with champion jumping ability in the NUS room. tried ignoring it but the room is small so it gave me a fright whenever it leapt out of nowhere to somewhere near me. that was a horrible night. was trying to study for test somemore.

the one in my room i got my mom to catch. hahahaha. she was like "grasshoppers cannot kill, they are good insects you know". and i was like "ya but not in my room". she finally gave in after i was reduced to standing outside my room peeping behind the wall. hahahahaha. the grasshopper chased me out of my room! in the end she didn't even catch it. she swept it off the door and it disappeared. couldn't find anymore.

quote of the day:
"which part of LATE dun you understand??????"
~my subconcious mind.

Jen says the comment box doesn't work. it works when i try it. hahaha. so i'm the only one allowed to comment on my blog. very smart.

will try do sth abt it.

LATE LATE LATE.

slept at 7am. spent the whole night backing up my laptop. by the time i bathed to get started it's already 4 am. haha. jen said i'll get rheumatism one day if i keep bathing at night. hmmm. i'm more worried abt power failure when i'm bathing at night. There was a power trip once, lucky i was not in the bathroom then, but i was the only one awake in the house. anyway it was pretty scary, total darkness, total silence, no aircon sound, no radio sound...pretty freaky. anyway alrightee no bathing after 1am from now.

so i spent the night burning cds. it wasn't as long and draggy as i thought. it probably helped that i was juggling while waiting for it to burn at 4x. i almost picked up a new trick too. the 4 ball shower multiplex thingy. not smooth yet need to do more.

got woken up at noon by the sentosa person. haha. oops. i was supposed to call him since last thurs but i tu until now. was reminding myself to call him today but he got to me first. i was pretty groggy talking to him wonder what's his impression of me...haha.

spent the whole afternoon tidying up my mails and laptop. it's quite neat and cleared up. hehe. still got some stuff to burn and it'd be the end of the da sao chu. the blardy windows media player 9 is screwed. i think it doesn't work well with my system. reverted back to player 7. the oldest player is gone though...bum.

late for unicycling. late for unicycling. i realised i'm actually not very passionate abt it. but i'm peeved that i have it for so long and still can't master it. i'd rather balls drop on the floor than my ass but everyone says it's really not that hard to learn and you fall on your feet most of the time anyway. i dun think it's that dangerous too but it's freaking scary taking off. maybe i shld take up stiltwalking, then i'll be so thankful that unicycling is so much safer.

alrightee alrightee...late for uni late for uni.

quotes of the day:

Francis Burn (legendary juggler who passed away recently):
It's not easy for a physical show. Shows that express emotions, like singers, are more successful.

LF (reporter):
But David Copperfield is pretty successful, isn't he? Is that the same sort of thing?

FB:
David Copperfield is shit. He has umpteen machines, and he just presses a few buttons.

UM (reporter):
And you, Nathalie, don't you at least find him sexy?

NE (nathalie, performer, dunno who):
(shakes head)

FB:
He's not even sexy. He looks like a cow.

pretty nice peaceful day today. did nothing much but it was a comfortable day.

started the day downloading some videos. the 4 club mantis catch is hilarious...haha...if only i can do that for the coolest trick contest. the leg catch is really tough, i tried it out but stopped before i got some serious bruises on my calf.

did club practice at a new spot today. near my house, pavement next to the main road. it's not a bad spot, the traffic noise drowns out the clubs loud clattering, there's not much disturbance and not too windy too. the ground is pretty rough though, afraid my clubs will crack soon. they're already roughed up at the edges and one gave me a nice good scratch on the shin.

went for a jog after clubbing. a bit guilty, have been pigging out since sat. been quite hungry these days for some reason...maybe i'm too free.

was so tired after jogging i actually fell asleep ard 10. haha. thought it'd be an early night for me but i'm still here!

woke up from my short nap at 10 to some grotesque pictures on the telly. Mom was watching Extreme Makeover (which she switched on but didn't dare watch and poor me who just happened to open my eyes on the couch caught in its full glory).

plastic surgery is scary. the docs use markers to draw dotted lines on your face, you know, like "ok let's cut along this line...". so you get wheeled in the theatre with lines all over the face, knowing that there's where they're ripping you apart. oh gross.

after the surgery the folks look like accident victims. the whole face is swollen and bandaged, stitches everywhere....argh gross.

after all the suspense and the final "ta-da" the folks dun even look that great. well they look kind of different, but in an unnatural way. it's very strange.

now you know why i dun watch extreme makeover. next time i'll make sure i dun sleep on the couch on mon nights. or at least not open my eyes until the show's over.

just downloaded the lastest windows media player hoping i can play the videos that can't be played. well not only can i STILL not play the videos, the player wiped out and replaced all my previous versions, AND my blardy DESKTOP. i can still get the desktop back but must click on it...heng if not can cry. i dislike windows XP cos it doesn't have a blardy desktop.

i've been procastinating backing up my laptop. shld get it done soon man. at the rate i'm downloading videos. hmmm. shit.

Jen's got vertigo. kekekek. that's such a cool name for a medical condition. it's some ear fluid inbalance that causes dizziness. (how are you jen? *wave* *wave*)

and she's right it sounds like a juggling trick. haha. i shall invent a trick that involves spinning round and round while juggling and call it yVonne's Vertigo.

Euro 2004 is coming! yay! i think, i hope, i pray, they're showing it on free channels. more late nights! with football! fantastic! *bliss*. kekekekeekek. got job also shiok no job also shiok. :)

quote of the day:
"club passing is one of the most fun things two people can do without taking their clothes off."
~rec.juggling

tricks to learn:
(from vova)

1) hit club with handle (not body)
2) 2 person 5 club, shared cascade side by side
3) pass LH double, piroutte
4) pass behind back, probably double

i just learnt how to do demetre's crank! at 4am! haha...123 crank 123 crank 123 crank.....

also tried front to back throws and under arm pit throws (not very successful). penguin and self back crosses are blardy hard.

practise practise.

quote of the day:
"Nothing's ever too difficult. It's just how much you practise."
~Etienne

I’m broke but I’m happy
I’m poor but I’m kind
I’m short but I’m healthy, yeah
I’m high but I’m grounded
I’m sane but I’m overwhelmed
I’m lost but I’m hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everthing’s gonna be fine fine fine

I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I’m sober
I’m young and I’m underpaid
I’m tired but I’m working, yeah
I care but I’m restless
I’m here but I’m really gone

What is all comes down to
Is that I haven’t got it all figured out just yet
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I’m free but I’m focused
I’m green but I’m wise
I’m hard but I’m friendly baby
I’m sad but I’m laughing
I’m brave but I’m chicken shit
I’m sick but I’m pretty baby

What it all boils down to
Is that no one’s really got it figured out just yet

What it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything’s just fine fine fine

~~ alanis morissette "hand in my pocket"

felt soooo tired today. this week has been a really tiring week. haha. truly over-juggled myself doing, er, juggling.

badminton with boonie at 9am and then touring with nick was the most tiring day i had in months. on my way home on the mrt i literally fell asleep standing up. good thing i was holding on to the pole.

yesterday wasn't much better. got up early again for Phillip seminar and then juggling. i was drained at the end of the day, both physically and mentally.

well at least i slept very soundly. it's nice to sleep soundly. :o)

siyong's off to china for 10 days. so i guess there will be no more juggling for a while. haha. it'd be nice to take a break for a while, rest at home and get back to scouting for jobs. then again WJD is coming. shit, i joined the competitions for fun but it seems like it's now some sort of professional competition. some of them are actually training for it. i'm not concerned abt winning, i'm concerned that i'll look really bad on stage. :(

here's weelee's commentary on the open routine competitors:

"Yvonne is technically quite sound in her ball-juggling skills, however her strength lies in her zany style of showmanship. Of the 5 contestants, she probably is the best at connecting with the audience. A few others have tried, but she is the only NUS Juggler to have taken a podium place at the NUS Discovery Show (a talent competition) - in fact she won the competition.
She also possesses some busking experience. The thing going against her is that ball tricks might seem "easier" and less spectacular when compared with club tricks. She would stand a good chance of winning if her showmanship can shine through, thus making her routine a refreshing change from the rest of the 4 "boring", similar routines."

here's my reply:

"the lineup sure looks intimidating. there will be a lot of technical ability on show, except from the female one. we should just take her as half-time entertainment, you know, the slot where you can leave for your toilet break.

cheers,
the female one who joined for fun inspired by some contestants in the last juggling competition, they were doing things like juggling socks. she's getting worried and wonders if she gets extra technical points if she juggles her weird clubs where 'every spin is different!'."

and i meant it too. all of them are technically skilled jugglers...haha. my strength is in being rubbish. oh well maybe in the face of this intense competition i'll be more inspired to come up with a rubbish routine, after all i stand no chance competing in terms of skill.

having a rubbish juggling show in front of jugglers take courage. lots of courage..haha. somemore these are pple i know. dun care abt winning care more abt being pai seh. oh well..we'll see. haha...sounds fun already.

Choosing a Path

When asked if he felt that his years in engineering have been wasted, Charles has this to say:

“My six years in engineering taught me how to break down big problems and solve them. It is exactly like how clients tell you their problems. They don’t give details as first, just the big picture. Engineering students learn how to address the big picture”

Are there risks in pursuing a life outside engineering?

“What are you trapped by? It all depends on how you deal with it. I can do without the material comforts in life.”

Finally, he has this to say.

“You must find meaning in life.”
_____________________________________


Pple can be soo judgemental. i'm slightly pissed by some stuff but that's prob partly due to pms. let it pass let it pass.....

some working frens told me today that it's not abt finding a job you love, it's getting a job you dun hate. that kind of makes sense. i can think of lots of things i wouldn't MIND doing, but hardly any that i would LOVE to do.

is that the way though? is that the harsh reality? i hope not....i really do.

i'm sort of at a crossroad...decisions decisions...sometimes i feel like i'm thinking too much...but most of the time i feel like others are not thinking of where they wanna go at all....then again most of the adults didn't think and turned out fine...so maybe it's good to not think so much....

what am i trapped by?

perceptions.

parents gonna flip soon. months down i'm might just hate myself and the choice i made.

"life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all"

perceptions.

i'll prob get no mental or any support whatsoever. if i fail there would be an air of i told you so.

"the best thing in life is doing what others say is impossible."

i'm confused.

~~
Tonight the rain is falling
Full of memories of people and places
And while the past is calling
In my fantasy I remember their faces


The hopes we had were much too high
Way out of reach but we have to try
No need to hide no need to run
'Cause all the answers come one by one
The game will never be over
Because we're keeping the dream alive

~~
Keeping The Dream Alive
From the Original Motion Picture Soundtrack, Say Anything
Performed by Freiheit with the London Symphony Orchestra, 1986
---------------------------------

xiwen wants to play badminton at 9am at boon lay tmrw. which means i have to wake at 6.30am if i take pubic transport. good thing she offered to pick me up at ard 8. which means i have to get up at 7.30am. i usually sleep at 6am. which means 7.30 am is my REM time. but i'll be at boon lay. playing badminton. yes.

quote of the day:
"Juggling AGAIN??? i think you need to find a job already!"
~~ mom

wow wow wow.

i did nothing today but juggle and watch/learn juggling...haha....on hindsight that sounds like an immense waste of time but it had been such a joy.

was feeling really high and hyper just now but after doing the usual online stuff (emails, forums) i've wound down a bit. let's see if i can capture back the enthusiasm as i recall the awesome things i've seen today.

met up with siyong and sheng hau (he's onto 7 balls!) early today, juggled a little before picking up the lazer vaudeville trio at the hotel. at the beginning it was slightly awkward cos it's just the 3 of us and 3 of them. cindy started working on her 7 balls, sheng hau and i started 5 and siyong and nick were doing 3 ball fanciful tricks. it was really balls galore in the air. it was a beautiful sight, probaly the most balls that the esplanade has and will ever see.

and then robert came down. haha. it was great. he added to the galore-ness by doing 5 and then 7 too. i wasn't even juggling anymore by then, i was like a kid in a toy store, open mouthed at the sight around me. Nick (who found himself one more ball) was doing all the 4 ball tricks which weren't unique but i've never seen live before.

and then they(robert, nick, cindy) started doing some club passing. the tomahawks and slapbacks were nice (siyong and i will work on ours), and then there was the "receiving hand do a self double so that the right hand is free to do a flourish". i'm sure there's a better name for that. cindy did a chin club balance and then "wham!" hit it across as a pass. haha..that was awesome. siyong said he read somewhere that we can bite the club if we can't balance it, but "wham!" and there goes the club and your teeth.

there was also the usual 7 club passing, and interestingly 7 club passing with 3 counts. not sure abt how it works. i think all of them are cross passes, and they start at the same time. 3 count is able to accomodate doubles too. that's something to try.

robert and nick then started passing 9. NINE! man..that's a singapore record surely.

koah fong taped some parts down, hopefully we can analyse the tricks one day.

we also did 4 pple feed (1 feeder/2 counts, 3 feedees/8 counts), the usual W feed, and the stand in one line feed(middle person stands out of line, pass is within the cascade).

cindy also started doing her 4 club tricks (4 club singles is a gd practice trick), and had a run of 5 clubs.

they were pretty amused by my clubs. that's the only downer of the night. Robert was like "these clubs have really short handles" (that's cos i wrapped them myself) and cindy was like "every spin is different!". haha...thought that's really funny, it's uneven cos i wrapped the clubs. she said they were very comfy to catch though (i wrapped the clubs) but "these are good for begginers, they're like the Jugglebug clubs i started with". (JuggleBug clubs suck, and are very cheap, like toys) :(

"so are you gonna get new clubs now?" (siyong)
"nah, if i can work with sucky clubs then i can definitely do good clubs!"

which is true actually. remember those days in badminton training where the coach deliberately gave us sucky shuttlecocks, like really sucky with missing feathers, to do lobbing to train us. i mean, if you an whack cocks without feathers all the way to the end you can definitely whack those new ones, with less strength too. i think part of the reason is he's trying to save on the new ones.

yup, i abide by that logic. these clubs are really weird, haha, i admit, way too light and after i wrap them the handle is heavier than the other end...hahaha. but i love them cos they dun make me tired and sian after juggling for a while, and they are small enough for me to hold and throw 5 clubs. they're are really embarassing to show to jugglers though.

cindy tried min jiang's ultra heavy clubs too and said hers is a hybird of his and mine. hahahah. His are way too heavy and mine are way too light (besides being weird). she uses todd smiths, american for passing and sth smaller for solo. her beanbags are dube peach, very nice but way too big for me i think (it's standard size but my hands are small).

anyway even if with her big beanbags she could do 7 and with my pasar malam clubs she could do 5. so it's not the equipment. a gd juggler(or badminton player) can be enhanced with gd props (racquet, new cocks) but a bad juggler is bad even with the most expensive/best prop in the world. i'll work on my skills first and then get better props.

having said that, when i get my first proper paycheck, i'll reward myself with spanking new proper clubs. hahahaha. oh well. pple aim for big cars and house, i aim for better clubs. juggling clubs not country clubs.

walked cindy and carter back to the hotel. they are a couple! haha. that's sweet. carter is pretty quiet and soft spoken, cindy is really chatty. like she verbalises her thoughts and all so she talks a lot. both of them are really nice though. they've been touring and performing for the last 6 months and when they're "off season" they work on their circus school. it's amazing you know...i'm like a singapore idol auditionee walking with Fantasia.

cindy was IJA champion in the 1980s, said her routine had balls/rings/clubs and she did something silly at the end. IJA is like the world juggling championship, with winners like anthony gatto who holds the record for most numbers juggled (13 i think). the juggling criteria is now 60% technical and 40% showmanship, used to be 50-50, but they changed it when "someone doing club swinging beat anthony gatto". haha.

anyway she's also a writer for JuggleWorld, said she'll send in our photo if she can. they really like the esplanade, haha, said "it was the coolest juggling place they've seen". cos around us there were breakdancers, an inline skater doing figure skating moves, stunt cyclists and other dance groups. the esplanade underpass really has a life of its own, hope no one itchy backside come and crack us down. (oh in the early evening there was even a group doing qigong. they were moving so slowly they look frozen. sheng hau said they could be from falungong, or maybe in a trance. i think maybe they are practising the statue act for busking. haha. alan has competitors.)

went back to the esplanade where nick was still ard. nick was pretty quiet at first, but he warmed up to us after a while. juggling is a universal language after all. he coached us in the 3 in one line passing move and then taught us stealing moves from his show. (steal no. 1: move across into position during the counts, grab the pass with the nearest hand, swing the club up into the passee's open hand. steal no. 2: grab the pass with further hand, immediately flat throw club with other hand).

oh robert's penguin tip: stretch your arm as much as possible, catch the ball low. more hand area that way.

walked nick back to the hotel. he went to the national circus school in montreal (next to cirque du solei) for 3 years after graduation. (yes all of them are university graduates. i'm inclined to think jugglers are mostly not dumb, judging from the demographic of our singapore jugglers. Ben was from oxford uni, and most of the locals are from NUS/NTU. strangely there seems to be an overwhelming number of computer science graduates and engineering grads. wonder if there's a connection somewhere. maybe we're just too stressed/free)

yes back to nick. so after going to the circus school he's been doing gigs professionally. sometimes he tours with Lazer or circuses, sometimes mingling. he said the circuses pay badly, haha...saved abt a thousand over 7 months, but it was enjoyable. He is Mr Fantasia to me.

the circus school costs abt 4k a year, but the downer part is that there are auditions. with 60% on acrobatic skills and 15% on artistic stuff something like that. (oh yes nick has a fantastic acrobatic cigar box routine)

i love these guys, i love their lifestyles, but my skills are pathetic. sigh. robert's not pro but his standard is like wow. where do i stand? skills are not everything no doubt, but it is SOMEthing. i feel so puny next to these gods. and it's so silly thinking abt performing and circuses when i have the abilities of a baby. oh well. someone did beat gatto with club swinging after all...haha...."imagination is more important than knowledge"..thank you mr einstein.

i'll be back at the esplanade tmrw to juggle. hahahaha. my goodness. siyong and i shld just camp there. haven't been sending resumes for a while. darn. it's gonna be an exciting month. WJD is coming, and i have zero routine and zero training schedule.

Nick: "what's WJD? what competition is this?"
Min: "oh it's like singapore IJA championship."

hahaha...what an overstatement. cute way of describing it though. haha.

nick may come again on fri. yay! :o)

it has been a good day. really fun, and i feel so joyous and connected. connected. it's something so strange. is it called rapport? or probably what buddhists believe to be something brought over from the past life. i'm definitely connected to my old pals, it's like they bring the life out of me, they make me think funny and be funny. they make me alive. but connectedness is not abt how long i've known them, some pple i dun know well but can instantly click with them. some pple i've known for some time and i can't connect. it's like i'll be thinking of what to say, and usually i can't so i just keep silent, or if i can it'd be some superficial crappy thing. i'm really boring and sian when i'm not connected, and i'd rather be alone.

never really felt connected in my 4 years at nus. on the whole/average i mean, haha, in case i offend all my uni friends. yup, i dun hate nus life but it never brought the life out of me. maybe cos i was too stressed. but even when i'm not i could never relate to my course mates, we're on diff wavelengths (they're not nerdy, some are really happening and funny but regardless i can't connect with them). it's strange.

it's impt i think to find a job and partner that makes us feel connected. that brings the best out of us and we feel a deep inner sense of peace/joy too. it may never materialise who knows? it's scary but hey i spent 4 years of my life being disconnected already, i can, and probably will, spent a lot more years being disconnected before getting mid life crisis. issues issues.

on to more serious world threatening issues.

singapore idol.

if you caught the news on mon you would think world peace depends on who the SPI judges are. it's a big load of shit channel 5. they hyped it so much...on NEWS?? they trying to make that News 5 Tonight episode into a blockbuster rating program? it's like every 10 min they'll go "we'll review who the judges are, after the break". oh wait that sounds like ryan seacrest. ah.

worse still, when the judges are finally revealed, 3 of the 4 have been correctly predicted by the Newpaper a few days ago? does channel 5 know how to spell A-N-T-I-C-L-I-M-A-X?

but i did stay tuned, so i'm the sucker in the end.

i dun think singapore idol will work or last long. look at what happened in the previous talentime, what happened to CHerry chocolate candy or any other contestant?? CCC now called CCCrush. yes they've been CCC-CRUSHED alright. i think CCC is quite good actually, saw them perform at the countdown. they can dance well and sound not bad, comparable with ang moh groups. they look quite alright too. but they had to sing covers, cos whose gonna waste time writing orignals for them?

anyway i'm saying even though the contestants may be good, the local market is too small and even then our locals dun give a damn abt locals. American Idol works cos the winners really get FAME, indoneasia/maalaysia idol may work cos the market is huge and locals support locals cos no one cool sings in malay from the west.

so given that the Singapore Idol gets shit in the end, who will want to queue for days and then get hantam by the judges on tv? no one good will do it cos it's not worth it, only the desparates will do it cos they're desparate. sounds familiar? yup, it's the singing version of Miss Singapore!

so i predict singapore idol will fade off after maybe, 2 seasons, when everyone will realise the winner gets squat so dun waste time. and the quality drops so viewers also won't waste time. somemore Mediacorp Channel 5 is handling it, habis man. i was highly irritated with ryan seacrest's after the break but the suspense was good enough for me to be glued. in channel 5 they will hype so much you wanna give them one tight slap and switch off.

the one thing they've done right is to make the prize a proper recording contract with an established company and not MEDIACORP STUDIOS. that one sure end up CCCrushed.

quote of the day:

"i'm not sure if my job is actually useful but it sure is fun."
~Jimmy the Juggler

arrived one hour earlier than my appt time today. so woodlands is not that far after all. i quite un-wisely decided to walk to the place which is abt 2 bus-stops from the mrt station. the distance wasn't far, but i wasn't expecting the place to sprawl across acres of land and they put the main entrance at some ulu corner away from the main road. so i had to walk a whole big detour to get into the compound and then the office.

along the way i was walking below the mrt tracks where i heard someone singing. it was a busy and noisy road and i was some distance away from the tracks so it must take a mega radio to blast so loudly i could hear. i scanned the empty land to check out the mega radio and realised it was someone singing. a chinese/vietnamese/filipino (not sure which one) lady was training her voice. it was a really powerful opera sort of singing, but the song sounded oriental. dun think she was expecting anyone to notice cos no one is dumb enough to walk along the ulu tracks (except yours truly). it was quite amusing but i respect and admire her jing shen.

it's a gd thing she wasn't practising at night. haha. and if i'm there too juggling my green light balls...wah best. sure appear in damien sim's book.

the appt ended at 2.30 and i was meeting the folks at 6.30. had a few hrs to kill. went to watch eternal sunshine at lido. i was pretty reluctant to go watch a movie alone in the orchard area. it's like holding up a poster that says "i have no friends". i managed to convince myself that it was because of my own insecurities and i shld just do what i want and ignore what others think. it wasn't easy, but i'm glad i made myself deal with it.

come to think of it, why do pple need to watch movies with frens anyway? i mean, it's not like we talk or do anything communal while the show is on, it's pretty much an individual, isolated activity. nothing wrong with watching with company, but it's become such a norm that one wonders why there's such a need. a dinner alone and a dinner with friends is quite different, but watching a show alone or with pple ard is pretty much a similar experience (unless one belongs to the ought-to-be-persecuted category of pple who discusses story lines while the show is on, effectively dubbing the show by drowning out the audio).

i suspect the reason behind is that we are just afraid to be seen alone. it's why some pple die die must find someone to sit with during lectures, even if it's with someone you dun know well. maybe i feel this way cos i'm the insecure one here, instead of pointing fingers to everyone at large. haha. oh well i get uncomfortable being seen alone, in lectures and in city cinemas, but i try not to let it get in the way of what i want to do. it's fun to observe the emotions my insecure state of mind throws up. :)

eternal sunshine is good. it's artistic, nicely directed, good story and most importanly, understandable. haha. after In the Mood for Love, i'm terrified of artistic films. xiwen had to wash her face at the toilet to get through the show, i couldn't understand an inch of it, but everyone's hailing it as a masterpiece. it wasn't the most boring show i've seen. Portrait of a Lady (which steph pulled me to watch. i've never allowed her to forget that crime..haha) and Joe vs the Volcano (i was 5 i think and started playing with the badly oiled chair thereby providing an extra creaking soundtrack to the show) were the undisputed most boring shows ever.

Eternal sunshine wasn't pow-wow brilliant (but it's gd). i can't think of any shows that pow-wowed me, though i'm sure there are a few. the korean grandmother/grandson show was pretty good, marvin's room was great too. I'm totally in love with marvin's room, i think of it almost like a spiritual manual. here's a great line: "it isn't their love for me that makes me lucky, it's the amount of love i have for them that makes me lucky." uttered by the character who devoted her whole life to taking care of her paralysed dad and senile aunt. great show.

went to meet angie, shimei and linx. huiying has been deported to korea. they spared no effort in letting me know that my dressing is NOT formal ("where's your jacket? huh no jacket?? you went like that?!") and my purple file is not cool for formal events ("is it to match your blouse?"). :)

all of them (the med students dun know their results yet) did pretty well and they are probably the closest frens i have to living the singaporean dream. and they all look very happy and contended too, rightly so cos they have much to be happy abt. feel glad for them. :)

and of course my hyperactive mind starts churning out stuff for me to deal with. issues like veering from the path and such. one thing i respect abt min jiang is that he really doesn't care abt perceptions and just pursues what he adores with fervour. i will like to do that too, but on some level i know i won't be able to handle social pressure.

oh well.

peace.

quote of the day:
Joel: "I live a boring life."
Clementine: "Are you afraid of that? i mean, i'm afraid of that. i'm afraid that i wouldn't be able to explore all the possibilities that life gives me."

PS: i was reminising abt the happiest event of my life thus far (helping an old man out) while walking home and thinking my happiness might be direct good karma from helping the old man and while deep in thought i stepped on a snail. like totally crushed it. karma indeed. Argh! it still grosses me out. i'm gutted.