Lullaby

this is a poignant blog i read,
coming a day after i discussed with poot over the perils of stress in the classroom.

an ex-classmate of mine just took his own life.

and while i dun know the background of things that happened in his life,
sometimes i wonder how much our JC class environment affected us.

like i told poot,
"we were the stupider bunch. but we had each other to laugh it off and copy tutorials. it would have been very hard if there wasn't support"

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i've heard of stories from friends of RJ grads who are so brilliant academically and probably on high flier career paths,
but so lacking in basic respect, manners, and compassion.

And then i read this blog.

I feel sad that these pple came from the same schools i attended.
How did they escape through the cracks and miss character moulding?

Was there character building? i'm struggling to recall.

Do birds of the same feather flock together? was that why even though once in a blue moon i'd spot a snobbish character, it never bothered me because i didn't hang ard them long enough to be bothered?

Perhaps the teachers never really did mould us directly.
and yet the school did, indirectly. (did it?)
i remember having classmates all so mind-bogglingly rich that they were humble because they were all rich.
the guys in my class were so brilliant but none of them were snobs.
they were nice and friendly and the pressure came from ourselves.

i told poot that i am so glad that my dad insisted i not take higher chinese and so i ended up in a motley crew bunch of girls from all over the world.
there i felt the liberation that i haven't felt again.

a sense of being understood.
a sense of craziness.
a sense of seeking knowledge for knowledge's sake.

"Perhaps the american system isn't so bad after all," I told Poot.
To RGS' credit, the teachers never outrightly pressured us.
To our credit, we never forgot to have fun.

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i've had my bouts of snobbishness.
especially when there's a problem to be solved and i'm yearning for inspiration and solutions, i get impatient easily with pple who can't catch up.

i'm not proud of those moments,
and i'm trying to catch them in real time and rein them in.

I like one of the comments someone left in the Snob blog:

"From the way that you interact with others, I guess you would never be able make any true friends. Those that you consider now to be your friends would almost certainly be the type that only keep in touch with you for 'networking purposes' and put up a false pretenses; and trying to compare from time to time who have 'achieved' greater stuff in life and academically.

You will never be able to enjoy real friends that will bare their heart and soul to you, go through ups and downs in life with, and just hanging out to talk about anything under the sun...

hope you can reflect on what is the true meaning of life. its not just about achieving things or leaving a legacy, but to build relationships with people around you, to love and be loved, and ultimately, know that you are truly happy deep down inside."

I wonder what the meaning of success is?

maybe some pple are wired to really enjoy materialistic success, at the expense of other things, as much as the self help books and religions want us to believe otherwise.

or will they, as so often foretold, wake up one day and find they've climbed the wrong ladder?

funny that Snob should mention God in one of her posts.
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i never got to know you well enough man.
but you did strike me as an articulate, funny and charismatic guy.


Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return.
The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away.

I have no peace, no quietness.
I have no rest, only trouble comes.

..I would now be at peace.
I would be asleep and at rest.

Rich and poor are both there,
and the slave is free from his master.



goodnight, man.
and peace be with you always.

i'm having one of those inspired nights.
where have you been?

the 3 days of rest have been good.
it's so strange how the calender can be packed and yet when you fall sick, you can't turn up and then realise they really aren't that critical.

saw a doc and ascertained it couldn't be H1N1 since i don't have a fever.
like the doc said, "i call ambulance also no use. they won't look at you if you're not above 37.5 degrees"

when i got in the clinic, red nosed and all,
the receptionists asked if i travelled.
"yes."

For 30 seconds they were stunned into silence.
that was a priceless moment.
they were like deers caught in headlights.
you could almost hear their minds scream "oh shit!".

my mom hastily went "KL only la."
and they recovered composure.

the doc was like an old uncle kind of guy.

"are you married?"
"no"
"are you planning to have kids?"
"no"

"NOT MARRIED HOW TO HAVE KIDS?" my mom suddenly burst out.

"ya la, you know, some pple not married want to have kids ma"
"NOT MARRIED HOW TO HAVE KIDS?"
"ya la, maybe getting married soon ma"

He then kind of implied that if i self monitored and i really developed a fever, i should call the ambulance, "if not ah, everybody here kana you know?"

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went out to attend a storytelling workshop today to get some fresh air.
it really did wonders.
i was still a little tired and crappy leaving the house,
but the workshop and the "below the stars" chit chat with shepherd and reenz absolutely took the flu away.

I like the workshop.
The speaker approached his speeches as performances.
how do you write the story, how do you tell the story, how do you make it interesting, where to put the props, what is the audience thinking.

All the little techniques that make a difference.
Beyond getting over stage fright, these are the things that differentiate a polished speaker and an ok speaker.

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Sat beside Kris and she told me a story of how she came about starting her new company.
she was praying for a direction and got a vision of a trampoline.
she realised what she really wanted, and is gifted to do, is to coach and empower pple to greater heights.

i've always had a niggling feeling we were all here for a purpose.
we are all wired differently.
And as a wise man once said, "Everything is meaningless."
Without God, there can be no purpose to speak of.

With God, He will show you Life.
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Someone just sent me an email saying an ex-classmate has passed away.
we weren't close and what i know abt him is superficial at best.
but i do remember him as a very charming person, albeit troubled.

i wonder if he knew we found him charming.
i wonder if he knew that when we did a round of "who would you pick if you had to date someone in the class", most of the girls chose him.

i wonder if we sometimes know what others think of us,
and how we're not as shitty as we think we are.

Perhaps it's time to affirm each other more openly,
to let others know they are gifted in their own ways,
to open their eyes to what may not be apparant to them.

now i just need to find out how to do that without looking like a les or a psychopath.

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Church Camp

One for the memories. here are some of the weirder pictures taken.

How can one resist such a tempting pose

I actually found spects and wigs at KL, in what i thought was a costume shop but turned out to be a really normal accessories shop. The spects and wigs were gems. I used them for ushering as i stood at the door greeting pple entering the main hall. Some pple didn't see me at all, some stared for a while wondering what they were looking at. Almost all who stared, smiled. :)

Some of the usher leaders are very uptight and strict on etiquette and rules. "professionalism" i suppose. It's a VERY good thing my group leaders are more open minded and good humoured.

The "official" camp photographer actually took this pic and we won the picture of the day. I got a big can of Crabtree and evelyn cookies and the other 2 got smaller cans.

"My sacrifice bigger, so my can bigger lor, heh heh" I said.

"But we are the ones with our faces shown! nobody can tell who the weird one is, but everyone can see us!" Shan protested.

this one needs no explanation

I Love this pic because I looked so photoshopped and inserted in. Which isn't the case. All natural.

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If there's one line i can summarise all that i've learnt in the camp,

it will be "'...you will seek Me and find Me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord" Jeremiah 29:13-14

some things are beginning to fall in place.

I was quite inspired by one of the workshop instructors and it's fun fitting together what i've learnt from Toastmasters into her teaching style.

On the 3rd night we had THE night of seeking the Lord and that is always the time where you enter this realm of a different zone.

On the final night we played truth or dare till 5.30am and i haven't even bathed for the day yet. When i was finally done bathing and removing my lens it was near 6.30 and it was time to wake up. My 10 minute power nap became a one hour nap and we all rushed abt trying to get ready in time. Still ended up looking like crap the rest of the day.

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In recent days i've been captivated by this verse:

"If you hold on to my teachings, then you are my disciples.

And then you will know the truth. And the truth will set you free."
John 8:32

so many things packed into so few words.

what is being free abt? free from what? free from the troubles of this world perhaps?

what is the truth? could it be the illusion of this all?

what does it mean to be a disciple? what are Jesus' teachings?

"This is how everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another."

-John 13:35

also notice the sequence.

teachings -> disciple -> THEN you will know the truth -> THEN freedom

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Amoy street is an interesting little place.

Many historical buildings and many good food places too.

Shimei had a craving for kong ba pau so all of us went to a hokkien restaurant she googled that had renowned kong ba paus.

I was the first there and waited for 45 minutes as shimei got lost in far east square.

she arrived flustered and upset that she couldn't find the place even though she had a map in her hands and needed reassurance that she wasn't a "useless co-pilot".

"who called you a useless co-pilot?" angie asked
"my boyfriend"

"psst," i whispered to angie, "never use the term 'co-pilot' when we're with her"

"yup," she whispered back, "and not the word useless too. and dun use both words together."

the restaurant had pretty good food,

but the waiters are like those you find in HK,

grumpy, unsmiling, and grouchy.

they pretty much ignored us when we tried to order and shimei wanted to throw peanuts at the waitress.
and then in the middle of our conversation they suddenly blared a birthday song for one of the tables.

it was one of those quite obiang birthday renditions.
Shimei and i sat in silence waiting for the song to end.

"shimei," i called her and she turned to look at me.
"Just wanted to remind you that you were the one who picked this place."

And then angie arrived at 9.30 which is the time they closed the kitchen.
by the time angie sat down, the restaurant has just abt cleared, and they've switched off the air con.

"the silence is stressing me out," angie laughed as she gobbled as fast as she could.
"oh look, the waitresses are sitting on that table eating THEIR dinner."

"eh go and see what they eating lei. tell them we give them one kong ba pau, we share share la"

It was quite funny being the last customers in a resturant ready to close for the night.

"i think they'll leave the keys with us. Like, lock up before you go can"

"yah, and wash the dishes and remember to switch off the lights"

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time to go do stuff.

I just accidentally switched off a 1.5hr long youtube video i was watching.

shit.

now i have to reload it to where i stopped, which is at the hr mark.

i'm hooked on chinese worship songs,

and it's driving my mom nuts. haha.

alrightee.

time to prepare for shan's wedding performance, to make the toastmasters namecard template, and to update the toastmasters website.

march on!

quote of the week:

"Huh the construction club toastmasters meeting is at 12pm on fridays? construction pple no need to work one meh?" - the treasurer asked during our Exco meeting.

So Friggin Bored

I actually woke up early so i can finish up some written work.
friggin bored.
so traumatised at having to wake early that i dreamt of a cockroach.

i booked my hairdresser last sun, and they called a few hours before the appt to say he fell sick.
so i booked for thurs, but i had to work late so rescheduled to sunday.
and yesterday, they called to say he's been fired.

i was wondering whether i wasn't fated to get my haircut from him again,
but i wasn't expecting "fired" to be a reason.

ok back to work.
so friggin bored.

we're brainstorming for our new club slogan.
found a random slogan generator online and this was what it gave me:

melts in your hands, not in your toa payoh.
Little. Yellow. Different. Yvo.
Yvo. The other white meat.

BACK TO WORK.
friggin bored.

Escape from the Happy Cannibal
*title taken from Ron Miller's book*

We had an Exco handover meeting yesterday at Toastmasters.
I think the club mentors must be worried for the new Exco.

the president is quite blur,
the vice-pres didn't bring a pen and wrote 2 words (using my pen) as minutes for the whole meeting,
and the secretary, the one keeping proper records, didn't bring paper.

"Is the meeting over?" the outgoing treasurer asked after dinner.
"eh, just because dinner is over doesn't mean meeting is over!"

"the food is great! Incoming president must maintain the standard ah"
"wah...i take care of the club, then i must make sure the food is good," the president complained. "should i do your laundry too?"

"Just make sure the food is good, then take care of club" someone shouted in jest.
"treasurer must approve ah"
"president override treasurer!"

i was giggling most of the night.
it's gonna be fun i think.
on mon we'll meet again to share our visions for the club.

the VPPR2 said he could cover the north east clubs and asked what area I could cover.

"you attack the clubs, i'll attack the public!"

there's a lot i can play with.
banners, flyers, promo talks, news, TV, newsletters, videos, PR with other clubs....

cool beans.

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demotivated. demotivated.
up down left right.
demotivated.

On friday after my fiasco i took it out on juggling.
just strapped on my earphones and tuned out.
and did my 5 club practice.

a lady suddenly appeared in front of me,
beaming widely,
she flashed me a thumbs up and went on her way.

i smiled back at her and thanked her.

i've always enjoyed moments of encouragement like these.
it's not abt ego,
not abt "man am i gd or what".

it's abt the connection between strangers.

that's the common thread in everything.
performing, busking, mingling, making speeches, making gadgets for the aunties.

connection and kindness among strangers.
when i mingle or busk, more than the monetary rewards, it is moments like these that remain and sustain the drive.
i still remember the face, tone, and words of a mom and her two toddler girls that came up to me after my orchard busking show 6 years ago.

"I really enjoyed your show," the 6 year old said sweetly and dropped some cash into my hat.

I don't think they know how tightly i've held on to those words.

on hindsight,
everytime i felt depressed at work,
it was because i don't understand why some pple behave the way they do.
they make me think this is an ugly world.
a world with no connection among pple.


"If I had been born into a society of cannibals, would I question that society’s behaviors and values, or would I simply be a happy cannibal?" - Ron Miller


i'm getting quite burnt out.
i need an escape from the happy cannibal.

Assignment from God

I was so pissed on Friday at work with someone,
that i could have killed a cow if it walked in.

he was completely unreasonable,
and his tone and attitude was unbelievable.

the setting was this.
he damaged some samples he was working on,
and in a completely, i swear, non-sarcastic, gentle kind tone, albeit tinged with some worry,
i asked him to be a bit more careful.

and he berated me like i just skinned his pet fish and ate it with wasabi.
and then he stormed off.

i was bottling up my rage so much i got a headache that afternoon.

i told shepherd my character is such that one day i'll explode.
i can usually take a lot of shit,
i let a lot of things go.
but keep jabbing and jabbing and jabbing me,
and one day my volcano will erupt.

Just talking abt the incident still makes me worked up,
so i know there's a lot of lava bubbling beneath.

In fact i got so worked up talking abt it with my parents,
i made THEM worked up,
and they started quarrelling abt something else unrelated and minor.

i was sitting there reading the papers thinking "oops what have i done"
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"what if you see him in heaven next time?" shepherd asked.
"haha, and he says, i'm the angel God sent to test you, and you FAILED"

well it was kind of impressed upon me in church that it could be an assignment from God.
and what a huge one.
man if he can change, it's really mountains moving.

and if God can use ME to change him,
that would be one of the most amazing things i'll ever witness.

but it's so huge i know i can't do it on my own.
i'm completely clueless on how to relate to him.
and i think that may be what God wants me to know too.

it's team work.
it's a game. an assignment.
and if i erupt or lose myself,
i lost the game.

The Lord will deliver.

He has done it before,
He will do it again.
Somehow.

the next time that guy becomes unreasonable again,
and it will happen,
i'll have to remember God standing there,
watching how i react.
maybe i'll give a little smile, a little nod, a little wink to God,
and maybe he'll freak out thinking i've gone crazy.
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Poot and I played golf on sat.
we coincidentally wore matching bright pink tops,
and i wore black berms and she wore white berms.

we were like tag team jie mei hua.

as we walked into the driving range,
there was a huge banner.
"Her World Golf Carnival"
and there was a bright pink carpet rolled out.

"shit poot, we look like we're here for the carnival!"
"we're going to appear on Her World!"
"and i can't play golf for nuts"

it was ok whacking balls.
i hit one that was so crooked the boy at the next bay turned to look at me.

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Poot and i started talking abt friendships over dinner.

the nostalgia that periodically comes has arrived.

She talked abt how I was one of few friends she has no pressure when meeting up,
we just talked and laughed abt everything.
from guys to erm, toys, and
and other really funny stuff i can't write.

"the best thing abt your cross, is that you've stopped becoming nuah abt meeting up"

wanyi also suddenly emailed out of the blue,
and i told her there are some frens you don't keep in touch much but when you meet you can still talk like you've been in touch forever.
it's a sign of deep frenship,
and she was in that category.

wanyi just called from UK and we spoke for 2 hours. :)
"wanyi! it's you! i thought it was the old guy fren i was talking with over msn and i thought wah he really so on call my house"

Incidentally,
i was msn-ing that fren abt happiness and he sent me the link of Michael W smith's Friends song.

Jen also suddenly sms-ed.
Just as i was thinking abt how long we haven't kept in touch already.

angie and shimei have become closer.
angie gives some of the best advice i've ever heard,
it makes sense, changes my perspective in a sec, and she gets to the root of the problem.
helps too that she's my makeover consultant.

there are so many more pple i feel so lucky to have ard.
and i'll spend the whole night writing if i have to write them all.
the pri sch mates, weips/alia and gang, jialu and other jc pple,
and all the other pple i'll always have a soft spot for.

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Looking back, i think some of the friendships were cemented while i was going through some terrible shit.

so shit's not always that bad.

time for work monday.
not really looking fwd.

sigh.

if the Lord's for you, who can be against you.
what can man do to me?