The Question to The Answer

so i ended the last post with:
some pills, some sleep, some humanitarian love and some answers are all i need.

4 pills and quite a lot of sleep later, i'm sort of feeling better.
actually i'm only feeling better tonight.
and mainly due to the fact that i found my answers yesterday.

it's funny how answers come out of nowhere.
so there was i,
reluctantly getting up after falling asleep on the sofa again,
fumbling around bleary eyed getting my pre-sleep stuff done like switching the lights off and going to the bathroom.
finally i hopped onto the bed and then i couldn't sleep anymore.
so i just sat on the bed.
and started to think.

i have a plan now.
a relatively painless plan and a painful backup plan, but hopefully with enough insipiration to keep me going.
there is direction and there is light and there is air..
i can breathe again.
i hope i'm doing the right thing.
i have to believe i'm doing the right thing.

it's weird how talking to strangers made me think clearer
this fella's not really a complete stranger
he's a friend of a friend and we somehow got onto msn and started messaging
so i described to him in general terms what i was doing and why i was a tad unsatisfied
and he summarised it with two words
and bingo! that was it! the root of my unhappiness. in two words.

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one question that has been bugging me for a few days now is:

If you can be good in anything, what would you be?

what an enlightening question!

the if portion of the question is important because how often do pple think "oh i wish i was this and that, but i'm not good enough".
so if you can be good at anything, what would you do.

and then go forth and charge because we should not underestimate our capacity to learn and be good at that thing.
i'm assuming there is capacity and there is willingness to use the capacity.

i think having the capacity is not as important as having the willingness to use it.
i'm used to being around pple who are enthusiastic about knowing and learning new stuff.
it's fun talking with them because we learn from each other.
questions bounce off each other until either we both see the light or we both realise we don't know what we're talking abt.
these days sometimes i work with pple who are just not interested in learning new things.
it's such a pity.

if you can be good at anything, what would you be?
i can think of one, but man that would be one big hell of an adventure.
i won't have that kind of courage, but well if it ever comes to the crunch....

(i do realise that i'm still just a chicken shit pecking around in one corner of alabama and i'm not a multi-millionaire sitting crosslegged at home writing motivational books, so when i write motivational stuff it sounds very empty and full of fluff. i'm just trying to motivate myself can?)

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Humanitarian Love

Thanksgiving is just round the corner and i've been getting invites to pple's homes cos they know i'm alone here
it's just a nice gesture, typical of the friendly culture here

had a big lobster meal last week with 5 other asian families
"YOU BOUGHT $120 WORTH OF LOBSTERS?!"W looked at me in disbelief.
basically one elderly couple bought 3 lobsters and asked the chinese restaurant to cook them and they invited me along for a small gathering.
the chinese bosses and i decided we'll buy more just for the heck of it so we bought 7 more
and we started inviting more pple until it's like some Chinese New Year dinner

i was prepared to pay for it since the bosses worked so hard preparing the meal
but they insisted on paying and we pushed and pushed like the money was some dirty piece of tissue paper
finally we settled on each footing half the bill

mom says my backside very itchy hor, buy lobsters for everybody.

it was nice.
think the chinese bosses had a good meal and a good time at long last
even though they got more tired preparing for the meal
there was a passionate debate regarding taiwan's independence and i think i learnt more abt chinese history than ever
it was kinda amusing watching them bang tables and raising their voices
reminded me of the taiwanese parliamentary sessions
wondered if we'll be needed to pull 70 year old men apart away from each other
but it was cordial. a good debate.

i saw live lobsters get slaughtered.
boss grabbed the head and pulled it off.
ooh. can see green stuff. i think it's the brain.
ooh.
the body was still jumping around without the head.
boss was excitedly showing me how it was jumping until lady boss scolded him for wasting time.
"the guests are coming and you're still playing!!"
"how to chop the body when its jumping?!!"
"stop playing!!!"
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it's cool. for now.
pills, sleep, love and answers.
tat was all i needed.