The Juggleress: M.A.D. Journey Part I -- John 10:10

Need to get a bit more prepared.
And then the M.A.D. (Make A Difference) journey starts.


"God is not a pressuring one.
He does not give you targets to meet,
He just wants you to start so you can grow in your journey with Him."
-mission trip brother

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I am at real peace today.
It is very surreal. something i haven't gotten for a while.

I woke up at 6.20(!) today.
On a public holiday.
and though i did feel a little tired,
i was also quite excited.
Everything church related makes me excited these days.

Met up with my shepherd and the two of us headed to Siloso beach to watch the sea.
She was there to get in touch with God,
I was there to say hi to my Sea God.

Just in case anyone thinks i'm a pagan,
Sea god is tongue in cheek yea.
I dun know what the power of the sea is,
but it can draw out thoughts hidden deep within me,
and i call it the Sea God.
And sometimes i wonder if it was really God all these while.
Not really biblical since those were pre-believing days,
but who knows?
Maybe God was with me all these while, gently watching and guiding and nudging.

So today i wasn't in "the zone",
since i wasn't upset abt anything,
and it was too early to be in the zone.

I did enjoy being there though.
just enjoying the sea and thinking through life again.

We had little tidbits of conversation in between quiet time.

It dawned on me recently,
that I think my shepherd finds me a blessing to her as well,
cos ever since "i dropped from the sky" i've been a testimonial of her nurturing and encouragement.
The more i grow in my journey, the more it cements her journey.

it's a symbiotic relationship.
a large part of why i suddenly took up the faith,
was because i finally found a group of pple entirely devoted to God and are serious students of the Bible.
My shepherd is our group leader and she has deep knowledge of the bible. More importantly, she lives out the Word of God.

So she can answer the questions i pose "what does heaven look like to you?", "I have trouble really believing in....", "why can't christians hold joss sticks, if only to respect the beliefs of the deceased?"
and she continually inspires by her calm, composed, and Godly way of living and her unwavering faith and devotion to God.

I need to look no further for a spiritual mentor.

The group on the whole takes after the characteristics of its leader. So we have a very kind and sweet group made of pple who study and live out the Bible.

I should let her know that one day.
I think she already knows,
but following the affirmative culture of the group,
i should tell her more explicitly.

it's kind of weird don't you think?
as we were sitting beside each other quietly in some obscure ulu island off siloso beach,
it was like we were both God's guardian angels to each other.
Just sitting beside.
quietly looking out.

I was sent to encourage her, she was sent to give me answers.
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After the cell group arrived about two hours later,
we joined them for a marvellous picnic and day out on the beach.

I now have the ugliest tan lines on my knee caps since i sat cross legged in the sun.

We played some Cluedo like "guess the Mafia" game.
where lying and deception and Survivor-like tactics were needed to win the game.

It was really fun!
In one of the games i was the Mafia/murderer.
And I had to deflect suspicions by planting doubts in others' minds.

I felt really really bad as it went down to only a few of us and i convinced my shepherd to vote for someone else.
it was horrible, as i could see she really trusted me.

Ultimately it was only a game i know,
but still you can't help but think it's a reflection of real life.
If i can lie here, i can lie when things get serious in real life.

I still feel really bad abt it.
You just don't break someone's trust in you.

"why do you think she's a good guy?" the rest (who knew) were asking her.
"gut feeling" she said, as she voted out someone else.

I could have just crumbled inside as she casted her vote.

Now i have to spend the night repenting.
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I got closer to a few more Christians in the group.
One reminded me of steph, her loud and funny ways.

I brought my juggling balls to Siloso beach so the folks can juggle if they want.

They started playing 5 stones with the balls, and the balls were splitting and peeling.

Now i dun know if ordinarily i would mind since they weren't that new anyway,

but i didn't mind one bit today.

I recalled the video of the prof where he told the story of how he was taking his young nephews out for a ride in his brand new car. His sister was telling her sons sternly not to dirty the brand new leather seats, and as she went on with her lecture, he popped open a can of coke and poured it all over his car seats.

"it's just a car," he said, "it's the people that matters. i don't want my nephews to feel guilty dirtying my car. it's JUST a car. It's a THING. It's the people that matters!"

On my way home i felt so at peace,

i stopped at the field and started juggling with my splitting peeling balls.
And again it was a rewarding juggling worship session.

~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen

Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what is yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause

As I walk from earth into eternity
~~~~
-Hosanna Hillsong United

"What is God's purpose for you?"
"To influence. To nurture. what's yours?"
"i dunno. Still finding. But i believe the dots will connect."
"I think so too. I don't believe it's by chance that you found God. I believe you found Him because you seeked."

He will reveal when the time is right.
Amen.