Stabbed in the Backside.

it's been a supremely high and then supremely low week.
let me start with the high.

I've been a christian for abt 2 months now,
and i haven't had PMS depression/pains for 2 months!
that's like the greatest testimony by far isn't it.

what a great advert.
'chase away those PMS, be a christian'

no wonder there are so many girls in church compared to guys.
and now that i wrote this you know what's gonna happen next month.
the revenge of the PMS.

that isn't the supreme high by the way.

------------------------------------------------

i met up with my shepherds last sat.
i really wanted to meet on sun so i can keep my sats free to laze at home.
but one of them couldn't make it and sat it shall be then.

the really great thing, was that i met with boon after that.
i didn't know it was an SOS session with boon, thot it was just normal catchup,
and if i hadn't met with my shepherds i would have rescheduled with her.

and i sincerely give Thanks to God for not letting that happen.

it was a really cool session with Boon.
we were boozing, and given how bad we were at boozing, it was really funny how we were walking semi steady after that.

"drink lime juice, helps to make you less nauseaus"
"how come so hard to find toilet"
"eh stop pushing on the escalator! sekali we roll down all the way. hold on to the side lei, we buay steady liao"

there were the really serious period of talking thru The Problem,
and then there was the

"wah lau, me and my church, you and your Problem, WAT ARE WE DOInG?"
"hahahahaa. Imagine us at 50, meeting here again, and going WAT ARE WE DOING?"

"eh you don't drink until collapse ah. then i need to call my shepherd and tell her 'erm, my sheep has collapsed. the shepherding didn't go well"

"SWEAR you won't tell this to your shepherd!"

"actually she's on the hidden earpiece, telling me what to tell you. i won't tell them la! usually when i meet them we talk abt MY problems."

Poot calls me shepherd now. i call her Kambeng/mutton.

-------------------------------------------------------

given what i've learnt the previous week on connecting with pple,
i was really happy that i had the chance to hear poot out and offer some support.

"he who refreshes others refreshes himself." :)

Poot jia you!

i also just bought a CD by Planetshakers.
they're a christian band but they're so indy it's funny.
like super rock and linkin park.
i'd never imagine a christian band being so noisy.

they've two really great happy catchy songs, i'm hooked on those.

--------------------------------------------------

Now comes the supreme low.

in recent days i've been re-evaluating my work again.
it's been 3.5 months now.
and this week has been just horrible.

the dateline to the project is coming,
and when the crunch comes the knives get sharpened.

i'm still unsure of where the boundaries of my jobscope are.
i don't mind helping out outside my scope,
but at least when i know my scope i know my focus.
like get these things under me in order first, before spending extra time on other things.

again and again i get frustrated.
things i thought were within my scope and i spend time on,
i find that it wasn't really significant.

and this week,
something i thought was under the jurisdiction of my colleague,
i found it was supposed to be under me.

for months and months i didn't know it was under me,
since she was driving it.
and now, the week before the deadline,
i was told it's my ball.

and there were all these poop shit that cannot be settled in one week obviously,
and i just looked completely incompetent.

-------------------------------------------

then i got stabbed in the buttocks.

an email shot out which got me really indignant,
because it gave the impression that i didn't want to complete my reports in time with all the management in the loop.

that colleague was in china and i was quite sure there was NOTHING i did that could give her that impression.

it's a really complicated story
i think i know who poked the china colleague into doing that.

there's just so little love in the work place that it's depressing.
i don't know what i'm doing anymore.

i try to talk with others to get a feel of what's my scope,
but their stories sometimes change.

Like at first they'll say yea i need to do this.
and so i'll complete the tasks faithfully for weeks and weeks,
and then they'll suddenly say oh actually no need to do.

or they'll say no need to do,
then later when shit happens they ask how come never do.

i feel like a goal-keeper,
you can save all the shots, but it's that one shot you missed that gets you attention.

the things you do don't get you credit,
and everyone's just waiting for the mistakes.

i'm completely lost.
i have energy and dedication,
but i don't know where to put them.
i try to put them everywhere,
but the more you do the more pple will give you things to do.

and i have no idea what to do first.
--------------------------------------------------------

the way out of all this,
is to be a power sian-er.

to talk your way out of things.

and that's not my strength.

or i can form an alliance,
which is usually formed by banding together and slime-ing others.
sometimes the more you slime others the more it sounds like you're doing a gd job know what i mean?

that's also not my strength.

i would feel better if i can at least solve problems.
but to be honest i'm not experienced enough to solve things on the fly.
everything is new to me,
even supposedly routine things.

so it just adds to the feelings of incompetence when everything my colleague does turns to gold and everything i touch turns to shit.

i don't know what i'm doing.
i'm running ard in circles and getting pulled in all directions with no focus.

-----------------------------------------------------

i've been thinking.
are these just growing pains, as is normal when just changing jobs, or is this really not for me?

at alabama i also had my times of pain.

but at alabama there was love.
there was love from normal pple who always extended help when they knew i was alone in a foreign country.

there was basic humanitarian love that touched me even though at work there were ups and downs.

there was connection. connection with pple.

at my previous job i never really got into petty politics.
i let others do the slime-ing and griping.
i was protected by my expertise from my experience at alabama.
i could solve things and i was willing to help others patiently,
so i was never a target.

and when i needed to connect,
i popped outside and chatted with the aunties and techs.

they were simple pple, with simple ambitions.
they were happy, just to cook, to send their kids to school, to buy 4D.

they were sincere.

i'm just not made for an office environment.
where you wonder who is really sincere.
who can you trust.
who is talking behind your back.
who will you need help from in future.

there's a shield of superficiality
where pple can be chummy but when it comes to the crunch the knives come out.
and woe to those who can't talk your way out of it.

------------------------------------------------

sometimes i think of my chicken programs.
it's not a big achievement,
but it's something that interacts with operators and makes life easier for the techs.
it's a small contribution i've left behind.

i think abt all my little programs.
and the fun i had writing them.

i would stay till 11pm writing them,
having fun all the way.
because i was creating something.
something that can help others.

i used to think maybe i'm just more software than hardware.
partly that's true.
but more than that, it's using what i know to create something that can help others.

i'm doing none of that now.

---------------------------------

i want to help,
but i can't since everything i touch turns to shit at the moment.
i want to help,
but i'm running around not knowing what's my direction.

i honestly don't feel connected,
and i honestly don't feel i'm contributing.

what am i doing?

i thot of my P2 speech.
the balls of happiness.
the ball of faith and the ball of love.
the love for pple and the love for the things you do.
i may have just dropped that.

what am i doing?