You Live, You Learn
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The Trouble with being Frank

at times i read the horoscope and it says aquarians can be too frank
which is kind of odd
because pple who know me will know that i can be the most indirect person in the whole of bukit gombak, and some say toa payoh
and i agree that sometimes my body language says a lot more than i verbally express

but these days i'm beginning to see that being frank doesn't always mean being tactless
it could just mean being honest as well
working in a project that involves team-members spanning across 3 organisations,
means that some things can be said and some things cannot be said
i'm not talking abt trade secrets
just stuff....i know and you know but cannot let this one know.....

which kills me
not because i sometimes say the wrong thing at the wrong time
(during lunch yesterday i let slip something and GB's eyes opened so wide she could have swallowed me with those eyes)

but because, i don't see the need to hide
if you're doing the right thing, what's there to hide?
if things are done above board and in the proper way, there is no need for secrets and conspiracy
because everything you question me abt, i have reasons to back me up
and if i don't have reasons or they're too ludicrious, then something is wrong...

sure sometimes we can be proven wrong,
so just explain the reasoning behind the initial decision
sometimes mistakes are made,
just apologize and be more careful the next time

it's not always so black and white
sometimes some things should not be revealed cos they cause a lot of unnecessary misunderstanding
but that's not to say i hide it
i won't volunteer the info, but if you know, you know. it's nothing wrong.

lying and stuff, i don't see it.
and i won't do it.
even in the absence of professional integrity
i still have personal integrity

get caught lying once too many times
and you lose all credibility

but to maintain the "whatever i say to you can be said to anyone" stance
can be complicated
because you start to get guarded and think abt what you should and should not say
and that's really lei cheh

most pple don't lie outright
they just phrase things differently
which also kills me sometimes to listen to pple do that
it's just too much PR
i know that it's needed
but it can be very artificial sometimes

some pple make it very difficult for you to be honest
they ask and ask and keep digging deeper until next time you just don't want to tell them anything, or worse still, cover up.
that's what i remind my mom sometimes
don't penalise me for being honest, you're encouraging me to lie.
she'll get stunned and think for a while, then disregard it and get back to her original nagging
one day she'll come up with a nice retort line :)

anyway i've been involved in several boo boos
usually i say things without padding them nicely, not that i'm tactless, but i never do PR padding
and i say things as they are, in an objective way
so sometimes it sounds quite bad
and even though i didn't mean it that way, i can't be bothered explaining myself further
it's too tiring

i can be frank in that sense then
i need more PR
when there's too much PR though, you wonder whether and when they're sincere

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Impressions

when i used to be kiddier than i am now
i wonder why adults have to yaya so much
family gatherings, company functions
you can hear pple talking abt themselves and their families
not really bragging i guess
but still some sort of self promotion
like i just bought some damn expensive something, my child is damn smart..sort of thing

some pple say why bother what others think
and i used to think yeah, why?

it's a little bit harder now
i still find it very lei cheh to explain so much why i'm doing this and that and do PR padding and just generally make sure i give the right impressions
some pple are very skilled at PR
but they brink on insincerity and they spend more time explaining why they're doing stuff than actually doing anything

but i can see why impressions are important
because in this adult world, pple don't spend enough time with you to get past first impressions
and again, humility is not a virtue
the louder your horn the more it is heard

and that is why there is all this self promotion going on
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Inertia and Teamwork

someone said "that's why adults get so cynical. we all come in thinking we can save the world, and then we get cynical with time..."

when the team is massive, it's hard to get things moving. you work your ass off to settle something, and the ball gets stuck at someone else's court, and the issue remains as it was, which makes you wonder why you bothered doing it in the first place.

the next time another issue comes up, you wonder whether it's gonna get stuck again, so might as well don't bother with it. so nothing gets done.

like a massive bus, once it gets going, it gets going. there are those who charge blindly. they have evidence but their research is not thorough, however the bus is set in motion and there's no stopping it. in the end not only is the original problem not resolved, there is now a whole new set of problems.

and then there are those who ride on your coat-tails
if there're 20 pple carrying a canoe, one can afford to let go (and pretend to carry) and just let the other 19 take on a bit more

now i understand what they mean by big organizations sacrifice flexibilty compared to small companies
when the team is big you just can't move fast enough
75% of the time is spent persuading pple,
then finally when the decision to act is made
pple have their own workloads and different characters and different rates of procastination
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it's a love hate relationship working with pple
it's tough working and being with pple whose values i don't appreciate
but it's quite a kick to be in the midst of it all

the only moral silver lining
is that character and integrity still counts in the long run
(poor me, when will i learn to be cynical)
you can sian and PR all you want
if the job is not done right, it is not done right
soon the cracks will appear

but the task is daunting
and soon the spirit will crumble
like a flower in summer
it needs water to keep alive
otherwise the sheep will turn to wolf
and another one bites the dust
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The Way of the Juggler

i recently read Alan's journal.
he's was a full time performer when i left, now he's an even better full time performer i heard. :)

i like his journal.

"street performers perform because they ... enjoy bringing entertainment and laughter to everyone, they do not do it for money..."

"There are performers who risk their life fire-eating/breathing for your entertainment without knowing how much they can earn, would you do the same?"

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i like the jugglers
mainly because, well, they juggle
but also because they have views that are different from a lot of other pple i've come across

Jimmyjuggler has a philosophy

Remembering a saying from one of his NTU professors, Jimmy Juggler says to me: “Be like a Vietnamese guerilla; farmer by day, warrior by night.” – meaning to follow your passion, but don’t give up your day job, he elaborates.

MJ lived his dream for a couple of years before compromising. He still performs part-time.
Alan has been performing since forever.

these guys who juggle/perform /entertain don't do it for the money because, well, there isn't any big money in it in singapore
they do it for the kicks and for the love of it

there is beauty in that
not enough pple are doing things just for the love of it

this is another great idea. it has everything i'm interested in...cafe...life..philosophy...performance space.....humanity....
i should get in touch with them one day.
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