Digging For Fire

am i living a meaningful "live life to the max" life here?
like in singapore, the answer is no.
but yet i feel a lot of peace and comfort
and i've been searching for the answer why

a huge part of it
is probably i've found out a lot of myself by leaping out of the familiar zone
i've had time to think
and reflect, and dream

and i've grown
i've seen
i've learnt
both professionally and as a person

this town is notorious for being boring
we joke to customers that this is a place that "never sleeps"
then we let them find for themselves what they can do at 9pm

i'm lucky then that i am
in the words of rowan atkinson,
"not a loner. but rather, i'll say, i'm not in constant need of companionship"

mom used to worry that i'd be bored
she asked how i spend my time
and actually i dun really know
i just find things to entertain myself with
like blog, or juggle...and juggle....and juggle

it has worked out tremendously well for me so far in terms of adapting and acceptance
the other singaporeans on the same program sent to another place did not quite enjoy their stint
it seems their place was more unfriendly
and unfortunate circumstances made the pple there more hostile towards them
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tonight another wave of reflection/clarity hit me
and i shall write abt it

Choice is something i place importance in
because having choices means having opportunities to find passion
my greatest problem with the education system in singapore
is the lack of choice

if a student at 15 doesn't take biology
he can't do bio at JC
and he can't go to medical sch in singapore
at 15, a teenager is supposed to know what he wants
at 15, a decision effectively blocks out a career path

patch adams became a doctor after being in a mental hospital
in singapore, he would be wearing a silver ribbon trying to find a menial job

i was flipping through a graduate school mag yesterday.
in the introductory article
there were interesting insights
it says graduate school is not where you go to find what you want to do in life
that's what college and life is for
you take different courses in the first years of college to find your interests
and if you still can't find it
try a couple of careers
the bottomline is graduate school is for pple who want to indulge in the intellectual stimulation of their academic passions

i wonder how many pple in singapore think like that
i know for sure not many undergrads actually like what they study
and no wonder
because there was never a chance to explore what we like

try changing majors halfway in uni
the costs involved effectively blocks out that option
(if the uni even accepts pple like you again)

what results is a place where pple just get herded along
life is not bad
but there is no fire
it just goes on
and on
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when i went back a month ago
i spoke with a few pple
they were nice folks and friends, but speaking with them made my fire dim down
one was so determined to change jobs after his contract,
for better prospects elsewhere
he spoke mainly of the salary and the vacation days and the bonuses
not once did he mention the job scope or his interests

another was very concerned with job stability

i don't blame them
there are bills to pay after all
and so what even if you have fire?
i tried to find local openings for my interests
i haven't searched thoroughly yet
but currently it looks bleak
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i can see why our education system is the way it is
pple is the country's only resources
and we cannot afford to waste time and money letting pple find their passions
in the first place, because singapore is so small, the options are limited
why spend money on an astronomy faculty?
or start a metoreology faculty?

notice how the government influences our college major decisions
they used to need a lot of engineers
so they hype and hype and hype
talking abt the salary and job opportunities and all

now they hype abt the life sciences
tha'ts the Next Big Thing the economy is gearing towards
suddenly there's a surge in pple taking life sciences
the scary thing is this field (and the hype) requires more than an undergrad degree
research requires more in depth and higher degrees
passionless pple doing higher degrees and research make me shudder
it looks so painful
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the States is huge
and with that there's so much to offer
with so much choice i'd think more pple would be doing what interests them
not all, but more than singapore

it's more than jobs and majors
live alone or with parents?
live in city or country?
live in bustling Big Apple or the more chilled South?
get married or stay swinging single?

another reason why pple can do what they want is the cost of living
For example W
he's in early 40s
his house is paid for and if he bought a cheaper car it'd be paid for
he is not married and has no kids
if he stops working he can live on social security
he doesn't HAVE TO work
he works because he likes it

F has cars and housing paid for
he grows his own veggies and has cows to slaughter
he works because "you can't grow pop tarts"
but again, there's always social security

you can afford to do what you want in life,
when the burden of bills is lifted.
it's not about buying nice expensive houses
a small flat in singapore will still cost me a butt to pay off
even if i have the money i have to find a husband or wait till 35! (and find someone to co-sign)
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i did not particularly enjoy NUS
(besides the juggling stuff)
it was ok, not bad
but no fire, except maybe the last few sems where i could choose electives

the other fellow engineering undergrads in NUS
they were alright
but i always felt a bit out of sync with them
we were somewhat at a different frequency
so we were cordial, but not chummy.

the days in RGS were the days with the fire
even today
talking to steph and weips and folks
you can tell they are different
steph has exuberance and loudness only found in americans
("Everyone in singapore speaks so quietly! they keep staring at me! like i'm too loud!")

i worry
because i sense the parallel
working in singapore is like NUS days
nothing bad, but uninspired
working here has the RGS ang moh environment and culture
there's humour and there's a sense of adventure

i look to living each day with the fire
and being with pple who can fan the flames and keep it alive
i worry
that singapore(ans) will smother my flame one day
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i am getting more comfortable with the engineering occupation
i've found that an "engineer" can mean a whole range of jobs
with varying degrees of qualifications

so it results in
doctor? wow.
lawyer? wah.
engineer? pfft.

my mom works in an engineering department
and i think i got the "engineer? pfft." attitude from her
she wasn't ecstactic i took engineering but she left me alone
(and of course i have an uncle who went "girl in engineering?")
the reason why i took it was cos i like physics
so it was between engineering or physics
and various reasons tilted my decision towards engineering

i've since grown more respect for (some) engineers though
because i work with and watch intelligent theoretical pple create things
and that's what "real" engineers do
create things.

i wanna be a "real" engineer creating things in my field of interest eventually
W implied that i may be thinking too highly of myself
without trying to sound obnoxious, i don't think so
i may have lots to learn, but it's not out of my range
the bigger problem is
i know where the opportunites are in america
i haven't found it yet in singapore
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i wonder if it's possible to live each day with fire in the belly
it's like without sadness there's no happiness yes?
all relative.

i can think of times i felt so alive
so energetic i can't sleep,
so inspired time flies with no significance
so full of adrenaline ideas appear from nowhere
so happy there's a deep sense of peace

that's probably what passion tastes like.

constantly reflecting on how i feel
and gradually swimming towards what piques my interest
it'll work out one day.

Stay Hungry and Foolish, Little Bit.