"I'VE BEEN ALRIGHT"

be careful what you wish for.

now really looks like no choice liao. the options keep getting narrower until there really isn't an option. which was what i was half expecting anyway, just wanted to think through it so i can make a quick decision if i have to.

the concept of home has never been more analysed. :) it's easy to make a decision using logical thought, then suddenly when it comes to the crunch, the clarity becomes a total blur. the head says "what's the problem?" but the body/heart/spirit just doesn't have that sort of conviction. it's a bit annoying that i have vague future plans and i pysched up for it and then conditions change so i need a new plan and re-pysching.

i'm ok with how things turn out. i suspect i'm actually relieved i don't have to make a tough choice. it is probably the best way, what it is now; it's not the most efficient, but at least i'll be comfortable with myself.

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I finished upgrading the last bits of the machine today.

i'm extremely satisfied. :) it's running beautifully now. and what a struggle it has been to get it to this stage. it was a piece of expensive crap a few months ago. And there were so many factors involved, everyone started blaming something different. The technical expert on the other team was convinced on a theory totally opposite of mine. So i went the scientific route - i presented data. Data don't lie (in the hands of the honourable). my line of defence was "i'll accept i'm wrong if you prove me wrong."

he was unbelievably pissed off. what a time that was. to argue, to say "you're wrong", to hear him say "you guys have to be more intelligent". it took conviction to stand up to an expert. boy, what a ride.

He was finally convinced and they finally went to fix the root of the problem. today the last bit of the fix was put in place and i'm expecting a totally reliable equipment now. I've always had respect for him (which made it more hurtful when he was in ballistic mood and hurled at everyone, particularly me the rebel with data), and now i've earned his respect.

i guess with less than a month left here,
i can say,
"i've been alright".
I leave with the machines, that i fought so hard for, in great condition .
I leave with the love and friendship of many, and i've conducted myself honorably.
Not perfect enough for enlightenment, but i think i've been a good ambassador.
The past year, i can say i've lived up to being a Buddhist, and an Engineer.
I've helped, and i've been helped.
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i feel a sense of pity that i'm a square marshmallow squeezed into a round hole
i feel pity that i'll be taken away from things i like to do (analytical developmental work) and where i can contribute most
i feel bad that only 60% of me is used and i've allowed 40% go to waste. Like it is my fault. And it is, for allowing it to happen.

if there's a will, there's a way.
i'm afraid even my will will be taken away.
eventually.

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All things must come to an end.
it's annoying to get comfy and then jump out of the zone and re-adjust to life again.
the positive side is this is the closet thing to dying.
leaving indefinitely, almost forever.
the air smells different as i breathe in my last breaths of air, the grass look greener and the stars never looked prettier. Driving never felt so good, the mundane feels exceptional.
these sputs of awareness and gratitude probably makes the pain of moving worthwhile.

i've been alright.