This Blog is Still Alive

It's been 6 months since I've written! :D
I've been tempted to close it down, but this place contains many memories.
Some entries are even quite embarassing, I think there were some rantings and profanities even.
Nevertheless,
that was me in the past. this is me in the present. and hopefully there will be me of the future as well in here.

The past 6 months have been transformative for me in spiritual terms.
In my struggles between staying here and going home,
I ran away from God.
I hated the notion that my God is one that commands, not urge or encourage, but COMMANDs me to abandon my responsibilities at home.
It is a perception i get so often from listening to advice from fellow christians.
And there is that internal struggle questioning if the God i've grown to love and respect is really like that and if so, can i still love a God like this?

Thankfully it was at this time that i spoke with my mentors,
and they assured me my actions and locations weren't impt to them (or God),
but my inner being was.

it was the beginning of the first paradigm shift (which interestingly i've already had a glimpse of in an earlier blog post abt the role of a missionary).

The Inner Person.
The Heart.

My mentors told me to go back to God again, to love him again, to worship him again, and leave the struggles aside for the moment.
Do it for a month, they said. then come back and talk abt this again.
so that was what i did.
and boy what a difference it made.

Everyday i spent 2 hrs a day praying and reading and jornalling.
Looking back now I know it has deepened me significantly.
Not made me very deep yet, but deeper than before.

Suddenly the Bible has come alive.
suddenly characters like Mary, Marta, Nicodemus, John the Baptist became mentors themselves.
And of course Jesus' teachings and actions became clearer than before.

I've learnt to wait on the Lord, i've learnt to see there is so much depth to grace, deeper than what i hear from many christians, i've learnt to recognise and be grateful to miraculous answered prayers.

i've learnt the tension between God and the world, i've learnt that God loves us and cares more deeply for us that most of us are able to articulate.

I've learnt that daily prayer and studying the bible makes so much of a difference.
i've learnt that contriteness before the Lord pleases Him.

For all that i've learnt I know it's just the surface of something very very deep.
and i pray i keep the spirit of Nicodemus, who although was a learned teacher of the Bible, he kept the spirit of learning (quite in contrast with the other obnoxious Pharisees).

Be still. Cease Striving. Just be.