Self Actualization is the By Product of Self Trancendence

i'm almost completely healed!
from dry cough to phelmy cough for over 3 weeks,
i committed eating kamaikaze because i got too stressed and had to rebel against something, anything.

the high blood pressure and kamikazi binge gave me headaches, nausea and a blocked nose the entire Easter weekend.

i sure learnt my lesson.
I'm still eating healthy now until all the toxins in my body are gone.

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the headache taught me another lesson besides no suicidal binge,
it taught me to transcend beyond stress.
i'm still passionate abt my work and deadlines,
but i can only do what i can humanly do.

i will not let work kill me, literally.

and with this new found peace,
i'm watching Permanent PMS act up again in slight bemusement.

i'm now like Teflon Tim yes,
everything slides off me, i won't let it stick.

so i'm not taking it personally or getting upset,
i'm just seriously puzzled and how, why..anyone will choose to live life this way?

He has so much rage in him,
and he remembers things that happened YEARS ago (before i even joined the company),
and he just feels like everyone owes him a living.

which is a source of frustration yes, workwise,
but i've transcended to the realm of watching him like a scientific experiment,
and trying to understand why in a psychological and philosophical sense.

Can anyone truly be happy this way?
And if not, then why do they still choose to live this way?
isn't the purpose of life, happiness?
Is happiness a relative thing? Some pple are happy with Gucci, some are happy giving. is it a genetic in-born thing? like i like apples, you like orange?

why then do all self help books, spiritual or otherwise, all advocate the same thing?
of living beyond oneself?

So perhaps that is really the Truth?
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For all my working life,
i've worked with so many anal pple.
and each one i've won over,
by just being me.
i learn what i don't know, i'm patient, i respect them even if they "rank" lower.

But permanent PMS,
i don't think he'll ever be cracked.
i've given him so much space,
and i'd think everyone has a boundary somewhere,
a boundary you draw yourself to feel useful,
but he is quite boundary-less.

i am puzzled.

if Patch Adams was once diagnosed with "excessive happiness",
then i've just met someone with excessive angst.

i'll let it slide.
just as you can't get mad with mentally unhealthy pple,
because they just don't understand and you end up driving yourself nuts,
you can't get angry.
there's no point.

i'm just puzzled.
why?

if there's any good that's coming out of this,
i think it's making me a more humourous person,
i need to up my humour quotient to balance up the angst in the room.
it's the yin yang theory.

gosh the completely contrasting pictures and experiences!!!

i'm raising funds for charity,
feeling the love from pple who gave and from the group,
a humanitarian self transcending love,
and then Permanent PMS is like the black hole of non-love.
the rage, the unforgiveness, the anger, the ego.

I feel so free, and i feel so trapped for him.
i'm puzzled.
Is he really happy?
why?
why live this way?
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i guess for the past weeks,
the concept of ego just kept coming up.

just observing random pple around.
i don't understand, i'm puzzled.
the pride, the self-love, the confidence or cockiness even, the me me me.

Are they really happy?
why do i suspect they are not? and there's this sense of being trapped?
somehow i sense this trapness, from what they say and do.

Just as a fish in the deep ocean sees the light at the surface,
swims up and leaps out of the water for a brief fleeting moment,
and finds that there is a whole new world between water and sky,
the spiritual realm is something like that.

once you've tasted going beyond,
even for the briefest moment,
i believe you will believe.
and you will understand.
and you will want more.
and you will be puzzled.

Are they really happy?
why?
why do this then?

isn't happiness the purpose of life?

"When i let go of what i am, I become what I might be" - lao tze

(John 8:31-32)
To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said,
"If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.
Then you will know the truth,
and the truth will set you free."

for what it's worth,
i've never been a critic of other religions.
(that's not the same as being all accepting, but too complicated to explain)
but one thing draws the line very clearly for me,
if the religion doesn't teach you to be a "better" person,
then it definitely isn't worth following.
(sometimes it's not the fault of the religion but the follower's attitudes)

Being ritually devout in order for God's protection over you,
means nothing because it's such a selfish desire.
it's the me me me thing again.

i'm...puzzled.
And I pray that God will bless me one day with a heart of empathy to go along with this puzzled intellectual curiosity,

so that i can finally understand why.