Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness

haven't blogged for a while.
so long that my "faithful reader" (haha) emailed me "WHY?".
so here i am. :)

the past month hasn't been good.
i attribute some of the depression to PMS.
but since there is still some residue sadness, there's something more going on.

I pin it down to a general lack of external inspiration.
i got a boost at the JJF, and then i came back to a bland environment, and now the tank of inspiration is completely empty.

what sort of inspiration am i looking for?
passion.
pple who do what they do for reasons other than money.
humor.
vibe.
excitement.
weirdness.
freshness.
new challenges.
new things to learn.

i think i am just so ready to move on.
and then there's the bond to tie me up.

so i'm like the little electron in the atom yes.
vibrating vigourously with restless energy,
but somewhat stuck in the orbit, unable to fly off.

i speak like i know where i want to move on to.
i don't.
which makes it all the merrier.

all the grand career illusions have finally faded away,
jaded-ness has set in.
is this the rite of passage everyone goes through (especially in singapore)?

i'm not into singapore bashing.
but it's really hard to find inspired pple here.
everyone seems so...resigned.
resigned that this is just the way it is.
what to do. like that lor.

where are our very own SARKS and patch adams.
odd pple who suffer from excessive happiness and are well versed in the art of living.

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if you think about it,
we are really inconsequential.

in the office, pple come and pple go.
sure you grumble about the worthless ones and you miss the good ones who left since they made your life so much easier,
but it's not like the world crumbles.

you leave, you leave.
someone will be here in 10 min to warm that seat.

it's sheer emptiness.

so at the end,
it's really doing what you think is worth doing that is impt.
to find the thing that will light the fire within.
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The 99 SPARK Project

100 has become 99.

i was debating whether i could really bring myself to do 100 charity shows.
after the first one, i realised why i was so resistant.

Steven R. said in his article he once asked his agent how much he should charge.
his agent said "charge the amount such that you can carry on with the show without thinking about the money".

i've always performed for the fun of it and now that i have another source of income, the money from juggling is even more inconsequential.

however to juggle for free throws up the following negative thoughts:

1) the feeling of exploitation. (why did you not ask the tent provider to do so for free?)
2) the nagging question: why am i doing this?

i like to push myself to think of new routines and the pressure of getting paid provides this extra push/reason to come up with something good.

the push doesn't have to come from the pay, it could also be other reasons like performing for pple you know etc. In the end, for the last charity event, i created my own push by asking a friend to tape the routine down. if i was gonna do the routine for my promo video, it'd better be a blardy good routine.

i guess the last one i did just didn't leave a good vibe.
wonder when 99 will become 98.

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i read a good book on friday.
it's called "Inspired". wonder why i picked it up.

it's a collection of notes from creative pple. Award winners from the advertising industry, painters, coprighters, fashion designers etc.

they all say roughly the same thing.

all of them keep scrapbooks, or idea banks as they call it.
whenever they run dry of ideas they go back to their scrap books.

most of them seek inspiration from the streets. from ordinary and knick knack shops and ordinary pple.
Most of them are quite funny.

so since i'm just a blardy electron in my own little s2f3d5p10 orbit(was never gd at chem)
that i can't escape,
i will create my own SARK spark.

i'll embrace weirdness once again.

i'm gonna clear out my desk and fill it with colorful wonderful things.
like a toy cow that moos.
an abacus for the calculator (8+7 has never been more difficult to calculate!)
a rainbow box to keep my files in.
A screen saver that says "THE SHIT STARTS HERE"

Life is gonna be interesting again. :)

did i mention that i bought 5 basketballs from toa payoh...