The Post to Read when You Feel Like shit

there was an article today abt how if a guy is kicked in the groin, he'll be in so much pain "it feels like he's gonna die". Now we all know what to do in self defence. :) Anyway i was thinking thank goodness i'm not a guy but i'm currently doubling up due to blardy cramps. damn.

if i had written this post yesterday night it would be much more delirious. Then again yesterday my eye lids were half closed, my limbs were aching like hell and probably the only word i could spell was zzzzz. if that's even a word.

it has been a quiet week, culminating in a big grand climax on fri and sat. a packed 2 days, physically exhausting, mentally a roller coaster but overall i feel the love i feel the love. heh heh.
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Friday -- I felt the Love part One

I finally got responses from 2 of the jobs i've been eyeing. One has been quiet for more than a month and i pretty much lost hope on it. Heeheehaha. Was really glad to hear from them and i think it was one of the few interviews i didn't screw up.

"yes I think you're a very smart and confident lady."

hehehaha. sorry very unabashedly thick skinned here. big ego big ego. hey this post is titled "the post to read when i feel like shit" so allow me some ego booster.

anyway i'm jumping the gun here. it's not like i've nailed the job. (and i think it's rather sad that pple get happy when they hear they've gotten the job while i get happy hearing that i get the chance to go for interview) 
There are 3 shortlisting stages to go and i'm not even sure i got thru this first one. I'm just happy anyway. I feel the love anyway. haha.

I watched an episode of the Apprentice the day before. It looked rather crappy initially but near the end i thought it was great because i picked up a few lessons on the way (from reality tv...oh dear...this IS sad).

anway there's this girl, i dunno her name so let's call her Elsie(?!). She showed great potential previously but on this episode she was the leader and her team lost.

(paraphrase)
Donald Trump: "Elsie(?!), Although your team lost today under you, you have done great work in the past and i really thought you have the potential to go far. However, what really nailed the coffin was that while the rest are fighting for their lives to stay, you have remained quiet. You have lost the fight. You're fired."

I felt quite sorry for Elsie. And respect too actually. She broke down after the lost and totally accepted that it was her fault despite it being a team effort. I think she remained quiet partly as a strategy and partly cos she took the blame squarely on her shoulders. not wanting to push it to someone else. If i was the boss and saw all this I would definitely want her around. Responsible, reliable and she would not want to screw up again. She may not be a great leader but she's a good worker. but definitely not good in office politics. unfortunate downfall.

anyway so the lesson learnt from Donal Trump is this:
if you want something bad enough, fight for it.
 
I was glad i got this message before the interview.
 
Another part of the show was quite funny. Elsie(?!) had a teammate, let's call her Bullshit, which she trusted and confided in. Bullshit was the one who advised Elsie(?!) to keep quiet in front of Donald Trump. haha. if that's not bad enough, when Donald Trump asked Bullshit who she thought should take the blame for the team's lost, Bullshit said Elsie(?!). what a slap in the face. haha. Not sure if Bullshit was deliberately back stabbing, doesn't seem so. maybe it's clever editing. Elsie(?!) doesn't seem to be bitter abt it.
 
So anyway, if you want something bad enough, fight for it. think i'm a bit more focussed now. definitely more buoyant at least. i felt the love.
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the rest of the day was spent at the esplanade juggling. one of the better practice sessions. worked on balls, clubs, passing. Gab shot some videos of me juggling. was surprised that the patterns look quite different from the side, much prettier. heh. looks more difficult too.
 
tried back to back diabolo passing as well with alfred and huifang. not as difficult as we thought, but needs more practice and a higher ceiling maybe. Also did 5 ball passes face to face and from the side with Min Jiang. Needs more work but looks magnificent.
 
Siyong: "How did you get scratches from juggling balls?"
Me: "oh these were from min jiang's fingernails."
 
it was quite funny. have one very obvious red 4cm scratch mark on my forearm. Min Jiang was horribly apologetic abt it.
 
Stayed at the esplanade that night till 12.20. Latest i've ever stayed there.
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Saturday -- I Felt A Little Shitty At First

woke up from a 3 hour sleep hearing the rain much to my dismay. A full day ahead. Will be lugging my at least 5kg equipment bag round singapore. now I'll be struggling with an umbrella as well. I might have to carry instead of push the 5kg bag in case it got wet and the wheels get muddy. woe woe woe.

besides i hate my bean bags getting wet. so if it's an outdoor carnival i can't use beanbags. add 5 more stage balls into my 5 kg bag. now 5.5kg. shit.

so it was crappy. Halfway while peeing i suddenly got a brain wave.

"today is a game and your goal is to entertain. Do it and you win."

"You're being paid to entertain and lift the crowd. Nothing is crappier than a grumpy entertainer. to put it in a cynical way, you're being paid so you have no right to be grumpy you blardy ass. to put it in a nice way, you're being paid so you have more reponsiblities to be cheerful."

"In fact, because today is such a shit day, the crowd will be more subdued. so they won't expect so much. if you can be cheerful, you'll exceed their expectations and be great!"

so i left the house, huffing and puffing and pulling my luggage all the way. enthusiasm level: high.

when i got to the bus stop there, i realise not only do i have to climb UP the overhead bridge, i'll have to walk through a maze on HDB blocks on TOP of a HILL. it was still raining and the bag is still 5.5 kg. More huffing and puffing. this time i had to carry the blardy bag up the stairs instead of pulling.

enthusiasm level: medium. at this stage i was just thinking abt the money to get me along. it wasn't much cos it's for charity, but trust me i wasn't feeling charitable at all at this point. it is then that i realise why it is not too much to ask for money (even if it's a token amount) for charity events. I like performing and i dun mind doing it for free especially if it's for charity, but when it gets too troublesome then all the "i like performing" and "this is for charity" gets obscured. the only thing left to motivate me is the pull of cash which i can use to get more props. yes i am but a human being after all. amen.

i finally reached the school after getting lost in the HDB maze (with the rain and the 5.5kg bag). i saw the banner and it says "open house". doesn't sound like a charity event to me. then i found out that the money we raise by busking goes to the school funds and not "charity". that peeves me a little. I suppose a school event isn't a corporate event, but it certainly isn't charity too.

if it was alan he would probably have walked off because it's cheating. i decided i wouldn't do that because 1) i've come all this way, 2) it doesn't reflect well on me professionally, 3) i guess it was partly my fault for not asking the details properly, 4) it was still raining, my bag is still 5.5kg and i'm not walking back into the maze.

enthusiasm level: low.

walked into the school and waited in the foyer. screaming kids all over the place. gosh. the only thing i was glad abt a primary school was that i'm taller than most of them there so i have fresh air to breathe. but it was noisy and packed and everyone trying to walk but jamming the place...

enthusiasm level: .........

anyway we got to our booth, and i tried to do my show. which is when i learnt my next important lesson:

never start a show without warming up
 
i started the show, got myself a small crowd of kids, and then realised my muscles were cold and stiff from last night's session. so part of my show was "if i get it, go 'wah!', if i drop it, go 'aiyoh'!"
 
diabolo: "aiyoh!!"
clubs: "aiyoh!!" aiyoh!!!"
 
and then most of them left. kids can be so frank. i had to apolgize to the few still lingering and ended my show there and then to warm up. i couldn't bring myself to start another one though. confidence was shattered.
 
i'm so glad siyong and siwei were there as well. think overall we didn't do a bad job as a whole, but it wasn't a great job from me. siyong did some fire with the staff and gloves. siwei did some ballooning. we did some club passing. i taught some kids the diabolo.
 
lessons learnt there:
1) don't start a show without warming up
 
2) don't have to plan for shows cos you never seem to use your plans
(i like planning though cos i get new ideas)
 
3) If you have to plan, dun stay up late the night before to plan leaving you no energy to execute the plan on the actual day
(i'm more inspired the night before lei. the power of procastiation.)

4) i'm not good with kids.

yup. min jiang is pretty good performing for them i think, while i'm never quite comfortable. i appreciate their frank nature, and even though pple say kids are the easiest to entertain, i can't quite reach out to them cos they dun understand jokes and what you say. they like more visual comedy i think, which i'm not comfy with.
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huffed and puffed my way to fort canning. went with my parents as a guest. did nothing much there. lots of free food. very happy eating. a few balloonists there. some familiar.

one observation abt the mingling balloonists is that they just twist and give, twist and give. they dun really try to entertain, you know, like tell stories, make pple laugh while they twist. they dun even look like they're happy twisting, but that's understandable cos it's prob tiring twisting hundreds of balloons per hour. pple dun really mind, even if they have to wait, cos they get free balloons. oh well a story telling balloonist would really stand out among his peers. overseas balloonists do that i think.

also met a caricature artist there. shit i forgot his name. worked with him before. nice guy, friendly, very artistic. think he gets quite a lot of shows with gd money. happy for him.

was gonna jump into the giant inflatable balloon bed full of kids. it would be fun if i jumped in and the whole thing burst.

oh all this while i was in my sort of clown suit. i looked like over-age kid. Mom said i looked cute and should dress like that more. I would be quite embarassed if i were them actually. "this is my 23 year old daughter" is quite embarassing. wonder what the bra woman would say.
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Saturday -- I Felt the Love part Two

waited for the rest of the gang at the esplanade. I was exhausted by this time. too much juggling on friday till late night, then only 3 hrs of sleep, then the early morning, then the disappointing school gig, the huffing and puffing, the running all over the place.

for busking you need a great deal of energy. i had none. not sure if i wanted to do it. besides it was drizzling outside.

gd thing i met up with alan first. we talked a bit. the theories of busking and such.

Alan:"you know what we did at De-Trash in Orchard? I watched your show and i think you can match the buskers in the Busker's festival. Maybe not the quality but you were able to draw a similar crowd."

now i'm not that big-headed to write something like that (even though it's my blog and it's ego boosting time) without some disclaimers. firstly i can't match the buskers yet. no way. their quality is way high. and even though i got a decent crowd when the busker's perform they virtually clog the streets.

We did De-trash next to the traffic junction and next to the snow machine too. so there were pple i could attract while they waited to cross the road. and they were also plenty of them waiting for the snow machine to spew snow so they shun bian watch my show since i'm screaming into their ears. not that the buskers in the festival didn't have aids. it was publicized and they have technical support and sign boards and these stuff attract crowds too.

anyway what alan said boosted my confidence a bit. and when min jiang came and started practising, i got up to warm up again. This time it was quite fun and i got a fresh boost of adrenaline.

Clarke Quay

there were 8 of us there tonight. and we were on the street soccer court with spotlights and the amplifier.

i wasn't sure if i wanted to do a solo show. warmed up more and i was still not confident and quite scared of drops. (those darn kids shattered every ounce of my confidence).

i suggested that we do a mass show, like all 8 of us go one after another, put up a routine for 3 min each. Alan didn't like it and urged me to do a solo show. the crowd was pretty good tonight too. even when we were playing around some were watching. we had lights and radio and that helped. Min jiang also sort of started his show, entertaining small crowds and they did gather and were very accomodating and nice. ("wah min jiang you finish 2 shows liao i'm still warming up")

so i did a show anyway.

and i felt the love. haha.

it was great. the crowd was lovely. they enjoyed it (i think). i enjoyed myself, the volunteers were tremendously sporting. what a rush.

i thought i could never re-create a de-trash again (unless there's another snow machine). clarke quay has given me a lifeline for busking.

the takings were ok. i should work on improving that. i shld also work on my ballooning. i give out balloons to my volunteers and i twist them before the show starts. the longest part of my warm up was twisting balloons! and they're the ugliest balloons ever twisted.

Alan:"your dog looks like a sausage."
Siyong: "What is that???"

quote of the night:

Me:"hey folks i'm just warming up now the show's starting later. you're watching all the secrets of the show!"
passer-by:"your warm up is more exciting than the show!"
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Post-analysis:

different places have different crowds and are suitable for different shows. Orchard has a great human traffic and statue shows thrive there. Clarke quay has family crowds out on strolls with lots of free time and are good for busking shows. there're also lots of family expats and they are very accomodating, generous and spontaneous.

I've never tried the heartlands. my guess is that the crowd there will be huge and possibly friendly too but not so sure abt generousity and interaction. Unless i come up with a full mandarin show. 

Had a post show chat with min jiang and his analysis was that family crowds like dramatic stuff like knife juggling while for kids they like silly stuff, like making silly faces and actions.
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so at the end of the day, all is good. i felt the love. physically i was a wreck but emotionally i was really happy.

it's one of the best periods (and i dun mean period as in the one giving me cramps. period as in period. time sort of period) in this few months of facing rejection and being lost.

i'm not quite there yet. job searching needs work. on the performing front, i think like job searching, i need to sort out what kind of performer i am and focus on it.

on friday, i won my game. on sat, i lost a morning game but won the evening one.

after a high comes a low. :) i'm prepared. bring it on, cramps and all!